Happy...

Every October I feel like I get on a train that calls me to "hang on!" The train takes me through many holidays, family traditions, birthdays, the darkest day, and finally delivers me just beyond Brock's Birthday in March.

The ride is extremely intense as it seems every few weeks brings about a special day for our family. I would say we are a Fall/Winter family as it seems we have more birthdays and traditions that occur during that time. Each "What a great day" is punctuated with "Man, I miss Brock." These "high and holy days", as I call them, are truly a foretaste of heaven. Yet they often leave me with an aftertaste of wanting more. Wanting more of Heaven. Wanting him....

the Missing...

it is a time of walking slowly on the inside while my feet seem to be running with the crazy pace of life. I have to deal with my emotions of grief, or they will surely deal with me.

Thank you for dealing patiently with me as I have been a horrible blogger. I have no excuses except to say, I am sorry. I have missed you. I have been either overcome with my feelings of grief or overwhelmed with the preciousness of life that I didn't want to pause for fear of missing something. I pray that by being so immersed in life and not writing it down in cyberspace won't prove to be my not tasting it again:

"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection." -- Anais Nin. So in my attempt to catch up my blogging, I give you some of our "Happy" days:

Happy Fall -

We made our annual trip to Burt's Pumpkin Farm. This was our 14th year. It holds so many memories of taking all our Lil' Punkins there.


This was Lila Jane's first trip.


She acclimated quickly as yes, that is a pumpkin stalk she is chewing on.


We ache to see Brock's precious smile and round face atop the pumpkins. We often visualize him in our pictures like he should be 'right there.'




Even the silo screams his name.

When we get the pumpkin home, our tradition continues. We have a night where the boys carve the pumpkin while we read The Pumpkin Patch Parable by Liz Curtis Higgs. This great book reminds us that while we clean out the slimy squishy pulp from the pumpkin and give it a new face, Jesus did the same for us. He took the dark mire of our sins and gave us new life. And He placed His light in us to shine before all men.

Happy Halloween.....


No! We did not adopt a teenage girl - that is Asa, dressed as a...a...a slumber party girl. It bothered me at first, but then some of his friends that are girls called to borrow some football stuff for them to dress as boys. Oh well! Mason was a cowboy, Barrett was a 60's Dude and Lila Jane was a pink poodle!


Happy First Birthday -

Lila Jane turned ONE on the 11th of November. She was truly the princess of the day.



My parents came up to help us celebrate.


We sang Happy Birthday, and then watched her get into her own cake.


As her day approached, I kept voicing that I felt like I had been caught in a time warp. There was no way she could be one.


She still feels so new...the day of her birth still so fresh in my mind. I was a bit sad to surrender my "baby" into toddlerhood. Each day has been so precious. So healing. She has been all of our baby doll. She is truly "beauty from our ashes."


Happy Thanksgiving -


Every other year we gather to give thanks with Drew's family. This year the Meadows clan came to our house. Here is the coveted Adult Table.


21 of us listened to the story of the first thanksgiving, read psalms of praise, and sang songs of worship, all led by Drew's father who intentionally reminds us of our country's heritage of faith.



Happy Birthday to Me -

In the late days of November, I celebrated my next birthday. So grateful to the Lord for allowing me another year to be a part of His beautiful world.

Happy Birthday Asa -

Asa celebrated his birthday with a group of friends down at the SEC Football Fanfare right before the SEC Championship.

This is our forth year to celebrate at this event. A few days later he took his drivers permit test and...passed.


This is all so strange for me. Is this really my life?! One that is learning to walk, and one is learning to drive. God is able to do far more than we could ever imagine! Now Asa drives us around everywhere.

Happy Christmas -

This year's Christmas card was not my favorite. It is the first year since Brock's death that I have not included him on our card. I felt like I didn't have time to be creative to figure out how to include him. With a tight budget and limited time, I came to the point of get it done or not do one. One night after coming in from the kids' programs at church (we all had decent, festive clothes on at the same time :) ) I set up the tripod in front of the tree and called everyone to gather. We took the picture on the time release feature of my camera. I could not believe Lila Jane's expression. I know it is a little late, but Merry Christmas from our home to yours.


Happy New Year -

The end of December brought about mixed emotions. It caused the passing of a mark in time that I have been dreading since Brock's death...

the day when he would be gone longer than he was here.

Oh it hurts to type it. 2010 was truly a year of a dance to a strange rhythm of grief and joy all pulsating from my one heart.

We welcomed the New Year with friends.


As a family we claimed the 2011 New Year to be a year of Words. A year where we will read more words, write more words, be more careful with our words to one another, hide more words in our heart, and know The Word, Jesus, better by walking with Him daily.


The blanket of white that covered our land a few days after New Year's seemed to remind us of a beautiful clean start to 2011.


Brock's Happy Day - January 31, 2011

The 3rd anniversary of Brock leaping into the arms of Jesus. The day of his arrival in heaven. The day he stepped into eternity. He is more alive now than we are!!!

This is the next stop on our train:

We remember Brock.
We remember the beautiful things the Lord has done for us.
We remember the sacrifice Jesus made so we will one day be with our precious boy again...

...forever!

God has been close and comforting. He has brought sweet reminders of "Brock stories" over the last few weeks. We are forever grateful for your prayers and sweet thoughts. We thank you for being Christ's hands and feet and lovin' on us.

Ahh, it feels good to be back. Thanks for making it comfortable for me to pick up where we left off.

Comfort

It has been a really long week...

The distraction of the Bruster's Contest has been great because my emotions have been spiraling. It all started earlier in the week through a physical scare with Drew. He is fine now, but a severe headache showed that his blood pressure had temporarily gone through the roof. He follows up with the Doctor next week, so if you think about it, please say a little prayer for him.

God was with me and gave me His peace. Yet I know, all too well, the reality of things changing very quickly...for the worse.

Lila Jane has had a cough for 4 long weeks. She had a cold and then allergies. As our pediatrician has assured me, sometimes that cough can linger. Frankly, I am ready for it to go. I have been in a battle all month of taking my thoughts captive and surrendering my worry to the Lord. I am a little worn out and tired. But He promises, "When you are weak, I am strong."

I went to the grocery store this morning. I was introduced to the CouponMom, who goes to our church, a few years ago. I really like her system. With today's economy, and our ridiculously tight budget, I try to save wherever I can. I have truly cut our grocery bill by a third using her system (not sure why I got off on that). Oh, all to say, I had "prepared" for my trip to the store -

my plan was to first stop at the front desk and buy the Store Advertised Special of Buy a $50 Amex Card and get a $10 Publix card free. Free is a good word around our house...humbling, but good. I would then shop and pay for my groceries using the Amex card and the Publix card for a deal. As I entered the store with Lila Jane in the buggy, I gazed at her...

and saw Brock's face!

I was just there with him as my shopping buddy...with every passerby stopping to speak and say "how cute!"

Then I went to the front desk. I told the lady I wanted to buy the Amex card special, and she matter of factly replied, "We are all out of those." I tell you all of this because I think it is always amusing what little thing triggers my emotional flood. I turned around from the desk and absolutely lost it.

Did she know how I had prepared before coming here?!

Did she know what an emotional battle every time it is for me to come to the place that holds so many memories?!

Did she know when I walk around the store and see every Mom with her "almost 3 year old" that I long for my boy whose in Heaven?!

Did she know I took her words as total rejection and jumped head first into my own pity party?!

At first I thought about leaving the store, but I slowly kept putting one foot in front of the other. I couldn't hold back the tears, so I pretended to be very interested in the pork chops. I held it together as I puttered around the produce section. I even visited with a neighbor. I am sure I covered it up well enough that she didn't even know I had just been crying and was currently bawling on the inside.

...on to the meat department where they did not have the size I wanted. More tears for my party. Oops, then came another friend. I quickly wiped the tears. Talked small talk. Then we parted, wishing each other:

Happy Mother's Day

...(gasp) the hurts won't stop! I make it around to the goldfish isle and lose it again. This time thinking so much about Brock that I want to grab Lila Jane, abandon my buggy, and run crying to my car. I dried it up to make it to the checkout with my favorite cashier, Marie. She handed me my receipt. We both celebrated my saving $48. She then gave me a big hug. My tears burned my eyes as I walked to my car.

When I got home. I shared my experience with Drew. He held me as I cried some more. I told him that I did not remember being so emotional on other Mother's Day's. He prayed for me and specifically asked for comfort for my hurting heart.

Moments later, we headed out to round up the boys from here and yonder. We checked the mail; this is something we never do. Our habit is to check it when we return home, not upon leaving. I was driving. Drew opened an envelope addressed to me. As he read, he got choked up, and I almost had to pull over because I could not see through my tears. It was a note from a sweet "distant" friend that prays for me and reads my blog. She had enclosed a picture that she had received, yet the Lord told her to give it to me. She wrote, "I pray this picture blesses you and comforts you." The word comforts was underlined.

Just like what Drew had just prayed for, comfort it did! I am so glad she was obedient to the Lord.




The picture reminded me that, even though I had hid some of my tears from different people in the grocery store, God saw every one of them. They were not lost on the spotted tile floor of Publix.

I am once again overwhelmed by God's nearness to my broken heart. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

I am overwhelmed by His compassion to notice and see me. "You are the God who sees me." Gen 16:13

I stand in awe of His attention to every detail of my life.

Glimpses

"To Love another person is to see the face of God."

Les Miserables

I love that line from the musical, Les Miserables. I am awed when I see God's face in my children. I can't wait for the day when I see Heaven and all God's glory in Brock's face. Until then...

I will keep my eyes wide open to look for it here on earth.

May your weekend to be filled with glimpses of God.

.......Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory." Isaiah 6:3

Birthday Wishes

He would have been 5 today. One Thursday afternoon, while we were having a family time of talking about Brock, Mason said,

"I just wish God would send us a picture each year on his birthday so we could see what he looks like."

I thought the same thing this morning as I looked through some old pictures. In talking with older moms that had young children die, they told me they always see their child just at the age they were when they died. For the most part I do too...I see Brockie as that "almost 3 year old" precious boy that he was.

Around the time of his birthday, I tend to let myself think, "What would he be like?!" Sometimes it feels scary as it begins to feel like someone I don't know. It begins to feel like I don't know who he is or what he would be like. I look around at other 5 year olds to remind myself what kids look like or talk like around that age.

The hardest part about thinking of Brock being 5 is that was the age Barrett was when Brock died. It is hard to imagine, so for the most part, I just don't. I just see him as "almost 3."
This morning in my looking for pictures, I wished I could find one of him with his hand out showing me all five of his fingers on one hand. That is one of my favorite things about 5 year olds; all fingers up on one hand. I didn't find what I was looking for, but I did come across pictures of him from his first birthday...


and his second birthday...


I also came across a picture that none of us could remember seeing.


I guess that was our gift of some sort. I love coming across "new" pictures.

Today we celebrate him. We celebrate the day God gave him to us. We thank God for the almost 3 years we got with him.

As we were watching Brock's YouTube "Bike Ride" today with a dear friend, although I have seen it dozens of times, I was pleasantly surprised and reminded of a sweet moment that now seems comforting as well as...sad. I ask Brock how old he is. In spite of clearly being almost 3, he confidently pronounces, "I FIVE!"

...and today, he would've been!


So today I guess I got my wish after all. Isn't that just like God to give me more than I imagined?! I wanted to see a picture, and he gave me Brock's voice.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

No Smell of Smoke

It was a crazy Friday Morning.

The boys were picked up by a sweet friend and taken to their day of classes. Drew was at his morning Men's Group, then on to an appointment. It was just Lila Jane and me at home. All I had to do was nurse her and get a shower. I had hoped to get this done by 10 am so that I could be first in line at the book signing starting at 11:00.

Believe it or not, when Drew got back home at 11:30, I was just getting in the shower. I am not sure where my morning went, but it was not going as I had planned. I told Drew I doubted I was going to the book signing since my Bible study started at 12:30. He encouraged me, "Yes, you wanted to go, so hurry up and go before your Bible study."

"There is no way. The line will be too long. I'll never make it to Bible study," I retorted as I stepped into the shower.

Still rushing as I was getting Lila Jane into her car seat, Drew insisted, "I really think you should go. Just go by and see."

Since the bookstore was on my way to Bible study, I turned in the parking lot. "Why am I even doing this?!"

I was surprised that the parking lot wasn't too full, and there wasn't the line out the door I expected. I pulled into the space still asking, "Lord, why am I here?" As I got out of the car, a gale force wind whipped by me. As I looked in my reflection in the car window, my hair was standing straight up!

Why am I doing this?
What will I say?
Will it be awkward?

I knew there would be too little time to say how much her ministry and Bible studies have impacted me for years.

I entered the store and told the man I was looking for the book signing. He pointed to the checkout counter and said, "You have to buy your book there and then make your way to the back of the store." The lady at the counter was very nice as she said, "Oh, you got here just in time. I think they are about to leave." Then she could not find another book to sell me. I thought, "OK, they're sold out of books. I'll just go back to my car and leave."But then she gave me my total, handed me a book and sent me to the back of the store.

As I rounded the end of one of the bookcases, I saw a girl and asked her if she was in line. She said no, but asked if I wanted her to take my picture. That reminded me, "Yes!" I had brought my camera (just in case). I gave her the camera and took Lila Jane out of the stroller...caught my breath and realized...........there was no line.

It was just me standing there.....


..... with Beth Moore!


There were some other people there, but they faded into the background as Beth turned and made a bee line straight toward Lila Jane. Lila Jane flashed a sweet smile, Beth exclaimed, "See, she knows a Grandmama when she sees one!"




I can't remember the exact details as at this point I began realizing I was caught up in something way bigger than just a morning that didn't go as I had planned. But, the conversation (it feels funny to write conversation as I am talking about Beth Moore) started something like many conversations start.....about Lila Jane being my first or only child.



This is a question that, after you've lost a child, is often painful. I always answer that I have 5 children. But sometimes, depending on the setting, I don't mention Brock dying. But this time, I decided to mention Brock...

at this point, Beth came right into my space and looked me eye to eye. I remember her hands touching me on my head, my shoulders, my arms, my hands as she talked with me. Then she said, "Let me just pray right now!" I wish I had a video as I stood right there in the middle of Borders bookstore with Beth Moore praying over me. Her prayer was beautiful. Oh, to have it recorded so I could read the words over and over!

One thing that the Lord used so powerfully over me as she prayed was when she said, "Lord, she is like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego." (see Daniel 3)

I must admit, at this point, my mind slowed the moment down as I thought, "What is she talking about?" And then Beth went on, "Lord, she has been through the fire and she does not even smell like smoke."

Writing the words even makes me tremble. Oh, how grateful I am that the Lord did not leave me in my besieged city. But He heard my cry and rescued me from the fire.

Praise be to the Lord, for he showed his wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city. Psalm 31:21

Often when I am sobered by the thought that I have a child that died, I think, "How am I living and functioning?!" It is only by the grace of God. It is only by His peace and comfort.

God used his precious servant, Beth Moore, to remind me of how in awe I am of Him for not passing me by. I often wonder how people walk through something like this without the grace, mercy, and hope that only He gives!

I once read in Sarah Young's Jesus Calling that remembering the promise of Jesus' presence "limits" how far down in despair you go when you experience the pits of life. Even with Christ, there are some really dark days. Where would I be if God had not been there to grab my hand in the dark of death, catch the tears from my swollen eyes and blow His holy spirit in me for my next breath? I shudder to think!

Beth was so sincere...she wanted to know how Drew and the boys were doing. She wanted to know all about Lila Jane. I'm sure I was just another person on her book signing tour, but oh, how she blessed me!


Incidently, she was there signing her new book titled, So Long Insecurity. (Rereading the beginning of this post, I had to laugh...it sounds like I could have been the poster child for the book that day)

God used her in a mighty way to give me a fresh wind to keep going even as the days of remembering the furnace are still so hard.

Thank you Lord for bringing me through with no smell of smoke.

January 31, 2010

The sky was blue,
the sun was warm,
the air was crisp.
The laughter was plenty,
the hugs were good,
the prayers were many.
The tears fell,
the friends were there,
the memories were sweet.
The peace was felt,
the love was shared,
The boy was missed.
The moon is full.


God showed Himself in so many ways to us today,
Thank you for remembering. Thanks for praying.

POLAR BEAR 2010

This weekend is the Polar Bear Run. It has been 2 years since the cutest runner ever was in the field. Some of you may remember me writing about this last year (click here to read). This was the last 'big thing' Brock did before he died days later.

We again placed Brockie-Bands in 2,000 bags for the runners and volunteers. We were not sure we would do this again. However, after prayer and leading, we are glad to be a part of the Polar Bear Run. If you are new to the blog we say, "Welcome!" If you are back for the first time in a while, "Welcome back."

As Jesus said, "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33)." We hope you find encouragement here as you journey in this race called "LIFE."

As we were making the decision whether to provide the Brockie-Bands this year, we were encouraged by the stories many of you have shared about wearing yours. Our son, Mason's, coach wears his to every game to remind him that he is an example and needs to act with integrity as he "Lives Hard" on the field. Drew's fraternity brother wears his to remind him to "Love Hard" when dealing with his children, even when it is tough. And a runner friend wears his to finish his runs strong as if "Running to Jesus."

Our ultimate goal is to finish this race strong, so that, at the end, we receive the words we all want to hear from our Lord..."Well done! My good and faithful servant. Come and share my joy."

If you have a Brockie-Band story, it would make our day if you would please leave a comment. Tell us why you wear it or a conversation that has come from it.

And if you don't have one, the boys would love to send you one, free. Since I dropped the ball on this offer last year, the boys have 'assumed' the project :) Just send your address in an email to dnmeadows@comcast.net.

So, for inspiration...




RUN HARD!!!

For Now

It is 4:00 pm


on a Thursday


in January


The memories are flooding


I miss him!

Receive

I love getting all the Christmas Cards in the mail. It is so fun to see the families of friends old and new. Mailing out cards always seems to be a huge check off my list, but I am always so glad I did. The Christmas just before Brock died in January, I was so thankful that I had included a picture of all of us as a family. So many people told me that they kept our card on their refrigerator all year long so they would remember to pray for us. It was so encouraging to me when I would walk into someone's home and see it still out...in July! Last year was really difficult to even think about doing cards again. I thought there would not be anything I would like because I didn't like that Brock was not there to be in the picture. Then there was also the thought of people receiving our card who did not know about his death. That made me sad. But with a sweet friend's help, we created a card that I liked and felt at peace about sending out. Then, this year we had another big Christmas card year again with the announcement of Lila Jane's birth.

Our generous friends/photographers, Ken and Jamie with Worley Arts, came over to take pictures when Lila Jane was two weeks old. We took most of the pictures in front of a fireplace in our home. We included Buddy (Brock's teddy bear with the Big Brother t-shirt) in our family photo for an acknowledement of Brock. I had seen an idea on Becky Higgins' blog that I wanted to use for the front of our card. Jamie and Ken were so great and helped me create the photo with Lila Jane's feet.

My sweet and talented friend Megan of Ella Bella Photo Cards then took the beautiful photos and created a tri-fold card for our announcement/Christmas card. When I was choosing the photos to include on the card, I decided I wanted to use one of each of the boys. In thinking about including Brock, I remembered a photo I took 3 years ago of him in front of another fireplace in our home. When my eyes landed on the stored photo, I cried as I thought, "Lord, what grace, as you knew when I snapped that photo of him that it would "match" the ones we took this year." I loved the card Megan created. I felt so different mailing them out this year as I thought of the people who did not know we had been blessed with a little girl. I want to share the card with you. Like I said, it was tri-fold, so there are 6 panels. Scroll down to see them all:

It has been strange to think about what a different place I am in this Christmas season. Having Christmas without Brock did not get any easier...just harder in a different way. He would be 4, the perfect Christmas age. Man, I missed him today!

Having Lila Jane was so special. She was the best gift for all of us; we all got a baby doll for Christmas. From the time I learned of her pregnancy, I began praying for me to be able to stand with hands wide open to receive God's blessing. As I would find myself worrying during my pregnancy, it was as if my fingers would begin to close my open hands. Every question, concern, and doubt left me with clinched fists. I literally had to 'pry' my fingers to keep my hands open before the Lord. He began to teach me a lot about what it means to truly receive. I kept coming across that word...receive...in my prayer time with the Lord. The day after Lila Jane's birth, this was an excerpt from my devotion book, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young: Written as if Jesus is speaking...

"This is a time of abundance in your life.....Sometimes My children hesitate to receive My good gifts with open hands. Feelings of false guilt creep in, telling them they don't deserve to be so richly blessed. This is nonsence thinking, because no one deserves anything from Me. My kingdon is not about earning and deserving; it's about believing and receiving.

When a child of Mine balks at accepting My gifts, I am deeply grieved. When you receive My abundant blessings with a grateful heart, I rejoice. My pleasure in giving and your pleasure in receiving low together in joyous harmony."

I have been in a season of receiving. If you think about it, Christmas is all about receiving. I know, I know...we've been trained that it is about giving. BUT it is ultimately about receiving the gift that God gave to us that first Christmas. When we receive a gift that we love, we are grateful. We study to find out all about it. We investigate it. We want to know everything about it.

How did you receive God's gift this Christmas? Or have you EVER received His gift?

Are your hands wide open?

Home

We have been home now for a week. We are beginning to get into a little routine. Feed Lila Jane, change Lila Jane, and hold Lila Jane. She is very content. Of course, she is never put down.

My recovery is going well. I am feeling well. Friends are taking care of us by filling up our Care Calender with meals to bring. I thought I would share a few more photos.

Lila Jane came home from the hospital in the outfit that all her older brothers wore. She did wear a pink one-sie underneath, instead of a blue one, of course.

Her daddy won on this one saying that tradition was more important than fashion...we will see how long that holds!

Barrett brought Brock's "Buddy" (teddy bear) to the hospital with the passed down Big Brother shirt. Barrett had said a while back, "This would be Brock's now." Before leaving the hospital, we sat Buddy beside Lila Jane.

She was hungry and reached up and looked just like she was giving Brock's bear a kiss. Drew and I melted into a puddle of tears.

At home we have had lots of fun. She is adored by all her brothers...and especially her Daddy. In this picture, I love Drew's gray hair. It reminds me of God's great plans that we could never have imagined. I am reminded of Sarah's laugh when God told Abraham she would bear a child in her old age (See Genesis 18). I had to try hard to control my emotions the other day when I had just finished nursing and looked through the mail to find I had received a notice about needing a mammogram.


If you haven't yet heard Steven Curtis Chapman's new album, Beauty Will Rise. It is wonderful. So many people mentioned his song Heaven is the Face to us. Our friends Brad and Shannon gave us the CD. The title song Beauty will Rise is gorgeous. This picture reminds us that yes - out of our ashes, Beauty has come.


Oh, I could just eat her up!

After I took this picture, I picked Lila Jane up and just sat and rocked. I was looking at her with that new mother amazement that she was "ours." My heart was so full. Then before I could stop them, tears were streaming down my cheek. So close to my joy over Lila Jane came grief over Brock. I long to see his reaction over Lila Jane. I was overwhelmed with wishing they both could be here with me. I gently heard the Lord whisper, "One day, they will be, one day!"

Oh God. Hold me close til then.

Brock's Room

As I woke this morning I thought how the raindrops matched the puddle of tears we cried last night. Since so many of you have prayed for us concerning Brock's room, I wanted to let you know that we did get in there last night. All five of us were in the room. We worked, we cried, we worked some more and we cried some more.

We held each other close as we felt the Lord with us. I kept thinking....out of intense pain comes intense joy. I whispered "Lord, I give you my pain, please redeem it for your glory." Many times I was unable to do anything but just stand there and look at the memories hanging on hangers. There was the little cast from Brock's broken arm, the first Halloween costume, the diaper bag with his name monogrammed, his first pair of shoes and then there was the bag that I asked Drew to wait for a few minutes before he picked it up.

The pain was intense. The cries came from deep aching places in our hearts. They came hard and fast, just like the flood waters we've experienced lately. As our hands touched each belonging of Brock's, one of us would chime in to say what it reminded us of. Then Drew opened the bag with the funeral home logo on the front. He literally gasped. I knew what was in the bag, but he did not remember. In the bag were the clothes that the EMT's cut off of Brock to give him proper medical help. In one second, we were all there on that afternoon that would change our lives. Remembering he had become a man in a moment as he called his Dad on the phone to tell him something was wrong, Asa asked Drew what he did when he received that call at work. The kids and I had all been here with our different experiences, yet one in the same, but Drew was at work. He recalled to all of us his emotion as he received Asa's call. We cried some more.

The kids would play with toys and then jump up to join in a group hug as Drew and I would be overcome with grief. There were several times I wanted to scream but didn't want to remind the kids of that afternoon. Oh God, redeem my pain.

I had resolved myself that we would just not get to the room until after the baby got here. Drew encouraged me last night and said he really felt like it was something we needed to do. Looking back, I think it was a "good" thing. It allowed us as a family to get out some of the emotions that were building inside. I think it will allow us to more authentically experience the joy the Lord has in store for us. I am thankful we had the time as a family. I had always envisioned it would be me by myself with Drew's help. Once again showing me that God's plans are not my plans. He knew just what we needed.

I was reading this article on the Psalms of Lament. It pointed out how the Psalms do such an incredible job of showing us how to express our grief to God and then move toward a place of hope as we find thanksgiving, sometimes even when the crisis is still present. I know that our grief for the loss of Brock will not end tomorrow. Yet, we are praising Him for the indescribable gift of this new life. The article went on to point out that the movement from grief to joy was not just a physical or psychological process but was a "profoundly" spiritual journey. I totally agree. We have felt the Lord again so intensely lately. We have seen Him working in amazing ways. We have been blessed once again by the encouragement and prayers of His people. We know
He is holding us and moving us forward toward Joy. We praise him for what He is doing.

Experiencing this Grief along side of Joy has been very hard to describe in words. Today as two sweet friends came by the house to pray over me, Joan mentioned in her prayer that this grief with joy is exactly what the Gospel is all about. She has no idea how many times I've thought about those words throughout the day. God's son Jesus was even described as the 'man of sorrows' in the Bible. His death was cruel and brutal, especially for an innocent man. His followers were looking for a King-leader and experienced great sadness at seeing Him brutally beaten and hung on a criminal's cross. Placed in the tomb, it seemed that all was lost yet three days later there was joy as Jesus conquered death and rose from the grave. He did all this for you and for me. He did this so that we could live eternally with Him in Heaven. Grief and Joy, side by side.

Thank you for praying as we continue to remind ourselves that Jesus has given Brockie a new room....just as He said, "In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you." John 14:2

Pink or Blue?

Pink....

or Blue......??

We are getting close to knowing. The excitement is building around here. All our emotions are actually in full swing. Drew & I are experiencing grief and joy all at the same time. The intensity lately has been hard to handle.

People are still asking if we know what the baby is. While it has been the most photographed(by sonogram) baby we have had, the answer is still...no. But soon we will know. I will admit that on some days the not knowing has gotten the best of me. I went to one of my sonogram appointments by myself and I have to say I was a little tempted for the lady to just tell me. I don't think I could have kept it to myself, though, so I closed my eyes at the right time.

Many have asked what I feel it is. In the beginning I thought it was a boy. Then I went through a girl phase for about two months. Now I am back to feeling that it is a boy! I think that is all I can imagine bringing home from the hospital. Drew actually also feels that it is a boy. All the boys think it is a boy; however, Asa said he wished it was a girl but thinks it is a boy.

I am so glad that God decides and not us. I can trust that He knows just what we need to continue on the journey of healing. I can think of things about either sex that would be great and also things that would hurt. Just as each of our children are unique in their own ways, I could see that having another little boy to love would be just great. I have already wondered if he would have mannerisms or looks that would remind me of Brock. To see the hand me down clothes again would be sweet or would it hurt as a constant reminder of the last little boy that was in the middle of wearing them.

A little girl would be very different and not have the reminders, obviously, that a boy would have with Brock. Mason said he just can't see us with a girl. He said, "What would we do?!" I assured him that I could figure it out. But the thought that a little girl came into our family after Brock's death is also a little painful.

See how complicated?! I am glad God is in charge of my life and not me. I know that He had this planned long before Brock's birth or death. I know that He is walking with us and that any hurt He will touch and heal. I know that on Wednesday, when we see what He's been up to, we will be filled with Joy. I know that any emotions that flood over us, He will be right there holding us.

So now the interactive portion of my blog: your turn! Post a comment...what do you think it is?
Thank you for continuing to lift us up in prayer. We need it. My love,
Nita

Fear - less

*****Congratulations to Commenter Lyn! She won the necklace from Jennypickle Designs.

Currently I am reading Max Lucado's new book Fearless. I am in a small Bible Study Group with some ladies. I was unable to attend on the day we picked the book for our study but chuckled with God when they told me they selected Fearless.

Fears...something God has been teaching be about. This summer, I had a lot of time to myself. I called it my summer of solitude. It was one of those things where all the boys would get invited off all at the same time. Drew and the boys also played a little golf this summer, which left me alone in the house. The quietness of the house was one of the hardest things to get used to when Brock died. At first this summer, I thought, "What can I get done while the kids are gone?" But, more and more, I kept finding myself just sitting and sitting. The fact that my ever growing belly made bending over not so easy didn't help either. Knowing that the Lord plans my days, I finally acknowledged that He had planned this time for me to be alone...with Him.

I guess I wasn't alone after all! He began teaching me so much about myself. I was caught in a tight grip of fear. After Brock died, many people would relate to me their own fears having the unthinkable happen to one of their children. I remember telling a friend, "I don't think there is anything I fear anymore." Any event that could happen now would seem to pale in comparison. I have walked through the darkest valley and felt and seen God with me the entire way. I knew He would be there and be bigger than anything I could face. But as so often I do, as time moved on, really after I was pregnant with this baby, I let fear and worry creep back in. I know God says "Remember.. ." in the Bible all those times just for me. I found that my fears were blocking my memory of what God had done. My fears were telling me that having a healthy pregnancy and baby were not for me. Interesting how fears are real close to lies.

I found myself holding out on trusting God until I could see that everything was going to be okay. Believe me, that is no way to live. I need Him too much and I can't afford to let my fears stand in the way of receiving everything He can pour into me. So I am still learning...



This past week, the chapter I read in Fearless was the one entitled, My Child is in Danger...Fear of not Protecting My Kids. I took a deep breath before I read this one. The fear of not protecting my kids rises up in me every time one of them falls down, cries, gets sick or has a fever. One of the monumental days in my grieving was when I vocalized the fear that I had let Brock down and not done enough to help him. Healing and freedom came when I handed it over to Jesus. I have learned, as C.S Lewis said, that "I never knew that grief looked so much like fear".

I have also learned that God is patient with me and my fears. He wants to hear each one of them. He wants me to keep talking with him and never take any of my fears as truth. And, when I come to Him and hand them to Jesus, they tend to wash away like water in His nail-scarred hands.

As I read the chapter in the book, I cried and I wept. I felt as if my familiarity with the subject was far too strange. I wailed out loud as I cried, "Why couldn't Brock have just been asleep?!" like Jairus' daughter (Read Luke 40-56). "Now all wept and mourned for her; but He [Jesus] said, 'Do not weep; she is not dead, but sleeping' ". Luke 52-54.

Lucado reminds us in this chapter of God's heart toward hurting parents. No matter what the plea is for your child...bullying, mistreatment, mocking, being taken advantage of, suffering, He wants to hear it. He understands because after all He was Jesus' Father. But, because of His great Love for us, did not spare His own Son but gave Him for us all (Romans 8:32)

Lucado tells a sweet story of the first night home with his daughter as he was up doing night duty so his wife could sleep. Overcome with the thought of being this baby's father and taking care of her, he remembered the story of Abraham and Issac. (Genesis 22:1-18) He literally raised her blanket wrapped little body straight up in the air as he stood their in his pj's. He uttered, "I can't raise this girl, I confess...but you can. I give her back to you." What a sweet picture.

He also talks about, "Wise are the parents who regularly give their children back to God." It is so important to give them regularly, if not daily, over to the Lord. I remember in the months of intense grief shortly after Brock died, thinking on this thought of giving my children over to the Lord. I would have said, "Of course, I have given them to the Lord. They are His." Those words were easier said than done when you experience a child "taken" from you.

We were so grateful that we had even one day with Brock. We recognized what a gift each one of his days were. I was intensely aware that even though this pain in my heart is excruciating because of my love for Brock, that there was One who loved him far more than me. The One he was with now. I realized in a way, unlike before, that he was the Lord's...all along! I had just been given the awesome privilege of hearing him call me Mommy.

An interesting thing happens when we give our children back to the Lord. It is almost as if He gives them even more to us. We enjoy them fully and don't take our fears out on them. I remember praying in that time after Brock's death, as I had to physically let go of him so abruptly, "Lord help me to fully let go of him and trust that you have him." The Lord comforted me with the thought that one day when I arrive in Heaven and fall at Jesus' feet, praising Him for what He has done for me, that He will then lift my head and say, "Here is Brock, he is yours for eternity. "

In the discussion guide in the book, Lucado gives these scriptures as ones to use to battle fears over your children. I looked them up on Bible Gateway and searched the different translations to see which one I liked. This is what I'll be thinking on for the weekend. I have included my thoughts in parenthesis. Have a great weekend...enjoying your children...fully and fearless!


Deuteronomy 4:40 (New International Version)

⁴⁰ Keep his decrees and commands, which I am giving you today, so that it may go well with you and your children after you and that you may live long in the land the LORD your God gives you for all time.

(The land the Lord gives me for all time…Thank you Lord for Heaven made possible by your son Jesus so all my children and I may dwell together for eternity.)

Deuteronomy 5:29 (The Message)

^28-29 God heard what you said to me and told me, "I've heard what the people said to you. They're right—good and true words. What I wouldn't give if they'd always feel this way, continuing to revere me and always keep all my commands; they'd have a good life forever, they and their children!

(God knows I am prone to wander and I fail daily at keeping His commands. Oh, how He longs for me, just like I want what is best for my children, to stay focused on Him and His Word)

Deuteronomy 30:19 (New Living Translation)

¹⁹ “Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!

(Heaven and Earth see my choices. Today…I have the choice each day to choose life or death. My choices today will impact the children that come long after me…I want to leave a legacy.)

Psalm 37:25 (New American Standard Bible)
²⁵I have been young and now I am old,
Yet ^(A)I have not seen the righteous forsaken
Or ^(B)his descendants begging bread.

(Crushed maybe, but not forsaken)

Proverbs 20:7 (The Message)
⁷ God-loyal people, living honest lives,
make it much easier for their children.

(Funny, so many of these verses have to deal with me. Often I think that if my children would behave or stop doing this or that, I would not fall short so often. Lord change me.)

Acts 2:38-39 (New Living Translation)

³⁸ Peter replied, “Each of you must repent of your sins and turn to God, and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. Then you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. ³⁹ This promise is to you, and to your children, and even to the Gentiles^[a]—all who have been called by the Lord our God.”

(Through this whole journey of Brock’s death, I have seen God be Savior and Comforter to my children. Most importantly, being Lord to them; not through mine and Drew’s faith, but through their faith. God, through the Holy Spirit, whispered truth to them, love to them and promises to them. He has shown me that He cares for them and loves them far more than I ever could.)