We are getting close to knowing. The excitement is building around here. All our emotions are actually in full swing. Drew & I are experiencing grief and joy all at the same time. The intensity lately has been hard to handle.
People are still asking if we know what the baby is. While it has been the most photographed(by sonogram) baby we have had, the answer is still...no. But soon we will know. I will admit that on some days the not knowing has gotten the best of me. I went to one of my sonogram appointments by myself and I have to say I was a little tempted for the lady to just tell me. I don't think I could have kept it to myself, though, so I closed my eyes at the right time.
Many have asked what I feel it is. In the beginning I thought it was a boy. Then I went through a girl phase for about two months. Now I am back to feeling that it is a boy! I think that is all I can imagine bringing home from the hospital. Drew actually also feels that it is a boy. All the boys think it is a boy; however, Asa said he wished it was a girl but thinks it is a boy.
I am so glad that God decides and not us. I can trust that He knows just what we need to continue on the journey of healing. I can think of things about either sex that would be great and also things that would hurt. Just as each of our children are unique in their own ways, I could see that having another little boy to love would be just great. I have already wondered if he would have mannerisms or looks that would remind me of Brock. To see the hand me down clothes again would be sweet or would it hurt as a constant reminder of the last little boy that was in the middle of wearing them.
A little girl would be very different and not have the reminders, obviously, that a boy would have with Brock. Mason said he just can't see us with a girl. He said, "What would we do?!" I assured him that I could figure it out. But the thought that a little girl came into our family after Brock's death is also a little painful.
See how complicated?! I am glad God is in charge of my life and not me. I know that He had this planned long before Brock's birth or death. I know that He is walking with us and that any hurt He will touch and heal. I know that on Wednesday, when we see what He's been up to, we will be filled with Joy. I know that any emotions that flood over us, He will be right there holding us.
So now the interactive portion of my blog: your turn! Post a comment...what do you think it is?
Thank you for continuing to lift us up in prayer. We need it. My love,