Sunday, October 19, 2008

Lessons Learned

Hey y'all, I'm still here.

I am just trying to come out from under the piles I've been cleaning. Last week while we were on fall break, I set it aside as time to do some much needed purging to improve the environment of our home. I guess I should be thankful that these things are beginning to bother me again. So many things didn't seem to matter in those months close to Brock's death.

I have read that lack of organization is also a by product of grief.

Yet on some days when I am in the "missing him so much mode," I find myself trying to figure out what I can do to get him back. Usually I go back to the events of THE DAY just hoping that if I get to that certain point the outcome will be different. Never before has the verse "... take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5) meant so much. I know that if I stay with those thoughts too long they will take me to a place of self pity and yuck. I know the answer but man when you are so overcome with grief your mind will think crazy thoughts. It is a day by day sometimes moment by moment surrender.

While I recognize God's Sovereignty and know He is in complete control, on those days I find myself in a closet or with a pile. I guess it is one little thing that I can "control" - the size of the pile or the mess of the closet that is. The cleaning out was good. It gave me quite a bit of time to think. Some was good and some was too much time. Often I realize as I am in the middle of things - usually when the tears start flowing - that I could not have done this before now. God just continues to lead me ever so gently being my portion for that day.

I am not sure how I got so off on that as my thoughts are also sometimes unorganized.

Whew, a lot of life has passed since I last posted. I am learning about this blog thing and one is if you wait too long to post, then you have too many things to talk about. I have wrestled over the past few days over where to start. It may take me a couple of posts to update. I will start with Asa.

He flew home on Monday all by himself. He had a wonderful trip. The time was full of adventure. He shot many things that fly, or shall I say 'used to' fly in the air. He had so many stories to tell of his own and stories that he learned while listening to his Daddy Curt and Mema. He journaled his trip, and it is precious to read. I have included several entries (with his permission) that say a bit about his trip - in his words....

October 1, 2008
Today is the 8 month anniversary of Brock's death. Today is also the day that I'm going to leave with my Mema and Daddy Curt to go with them hunting. I get to do what I have always dreamed about. All my life, I have dreamed about going to North Dakota to go hunting with my Daddy Curt.

October 8, 2008
One of the things I've learned from life is that if you try your hardest to do what your parents want you to do, God will bless you with kind, loving and nice parents. At least they will be kinder, nicer and loving-er (funny) than they used to be back when you weren't nice, kind or loving to them.

October 10, 2008
Today I shot 3 doves with only 2 bullets (quick, you do the math).

October 13, 2008
Today is the first. Today is the last. It's the first day of being back. It's also the last day of the trip. I really miss Mema and Daddy Curt. I miss hunting too.

He also did a little school while he was gone. After he got home he asked me a question about his algebra lesson. I commented,

"Wow, you really seem to have a good grasp on that Asa."

He looked up at me with much pride and said, "Mom, I got THE algebra lesson."

"What ?!"

"Mom, when you were younger, didn't you get THE 'algebra lesson' from Daddy Curt?"

"Oh, Yea!"

You see my parents were both High School Math teachers when they were first married. Mema told Asa after he had been "taught" by Daddy Curt that his Uncle Mike, Aunt Lyn, his Mama and the 6 grand children that are older than he had gotten the same lesson. Somehow he seemed to think of this as a rite of passage equal to some of the hunting on his trip.

His descent back into life at home has been easy. Thank you for praying for Asa's trip. God provided and healed in a mighty way. All of us - my parents, Asa, his brothers, Drew and me felt the trip was a sweet kiss from the Lord.


Amy-littletoesandcheerios said...

Visiting your blog for the first time with sorry about your loss. I got your blog info from Jamie at Rose Cottage. God Bless You.

Henley on the Horn said...

Just precious. Thank you for sharing and for being so open. I found that things piled up after Doug's daddy died, and I am just getting to a lot of it now. Just take one day at a time, and know that the Lord is with you, even during your toughest moments. We love all of you!

Asa is precious. I loved his journal entries. Wow. You have 4 amazing boys.

ToniTheTiger said...

Hey Nita! I am a friend of Beth Self's. I have prayed for you! Your blog has blessed me! I lost my mother in April unexpectedly. It continues to be a very hard journey! I am so encouraged to hear that your piles are high...mine are HUGE and everywhere. It's hard to find the motivation to deal with them. I agree that fall has brought new issues in my grief! What would we do without the Lord? Thank you for writing this blog and giving me some inspiration. It is just precious. I pray it is healing for you! You and your family are amazing! much love...Toni

Danita Pergerson said...

Nita: what a joy to finally see Brock! I feel as if I know him personally after praying for you all for sometime. In fact, I can't wait to meet him in heaven! And what a precious blog which is already being used for God's Kingdom. When we love on each other and encourage one another, I believe God is so pleased with us! Thank you for sharing and touching lives as you do! I learned about Brock from my friend Toni, through your friend, Beth. Isn't it cool how God entertwines our lives for prayer purposes. I will continue to lift you all up as you take one day at a time. And...I love your title, "live hard, love hard, and run to Jesus". In fact, I have to adopt that one myself! Love in Christ, Danita Pergerson, Raleigh NC