We're Doing Things Differently

When Asa, my now 14-year old was in 2nd grade, God led us to make the decision to homeschool him. Homeschooling became a way of life for our family as Mason joined the next year for 1st grade. Barrett followed a few years later.

We have always held homeschooling loosely. We have asked the Lord each year, "What is best for our family and kids this year?" Having felt His calling so strongly from the first year, some years when we didn't "hear" anything different. So we took that as the Lord telling us to, "Stay the course until I lead you to do something differently."

I have always been so thankful to have the time together that we've had in homeschooling. I have never been so grateful, though, as the year Brock died. I was thankful that the boys knew their little brother so well. I was thankful that the boys literally had a "time with Brock" slot in their school schedule so that I could work with the others. I was thankful that, in our grief, we were all here together. I was thankful that I was the one sitting at the table with the boys when they needed to talk about their little brother in the middle of the day. I am so grateful to the Lord for the place He called us to at that time.

People would always ask me, "How long are you going to homeschool?" I would first laugh and say, "All I know is that I am going to homeschool tomorrow, and then we will see." Then I would usually add, "Probably until Asa gets to high school.....but we will see."

Well, that day has come!

This past spring, when it came time to talk about school for this year, Asa approached us with wanting to go to the local public high school. We told him we were willing to talk and pray about it. While I held it together emotionally in front of Asa, I really had a hard time with it in private. Drew asked me, "Why are you struggling with this? It is what we always said we would do." I told him, "I know I said that before, but I think I thought that day was so far away...that it would never come."

Well, that day has come!

Through much prayer, discernment, and late night talks, we made the decision for Asa to attend the local high school. He has been working out with the football team all summer long and will be playing on the Freshman team.


He is ready to go! I can't wait to see how God is going to continue to mold him into the man He wants him to be as He uses all of Asa's life experiences. We are so proud of him. We are devoting ourselves to prayer, being watchful (for what God is doing) and ever thankful (for this opportunity). Colossians 4:2

However, what I did not know last spring was that God was not only pruning homeschooling Asa from my life...

.....but also Barrett !

The year after Brock died, as we were praying about our schooling for last year, I felt a literal "release" from the Lord regarding our homeschooling. It wasn't that we weren't supposed to homeschool, but that it was just an option if we so chose for our family. I can't really explain it... but release is the word that best describes.

We chose to homeschool last year, and I was grateful again that we were all at home as we welcomed Lila Jane into our family. It has definitely been the best education for all of us to watch her grow and fall so deeply in love with her.

Two days ago, as Drew and I felt no peace with Barrett's schooling for this year, we visited the elementary school down the street. As we waited for the counselor to tour us around, I looked at the school photo directory. We recognized that we knew one of the 3rd grade teachers from church. She is actually the wife of the Chef that came to our home to provide our meals the days after Brock's death.

Monday night was a long night of prayer and talking in our home. As we mentioned it to Barrett, he said, "I think I just want to stay at home and let you be my teacher." He paused and added, "But don't go off my words." I thought that was funny, because even though Asa proactively approached us, the more we talked about him going to school, he would say, "I just want y'all to decide." Barrett also wanted us to make the decision. Obviously, we were going to make the ultimate decision, but I just thought it was sweet that they both knew we would do what was best for them. Isn't it beautiful to see a child exhibit total trust in his parents?

I would rehearse voicing both of our decisions in my mind, but I never had a peace. I felt the Lord reminding me that faith is not sitting there tossing around all the pros and cons; faith is stepping out towards Him...in trust.

Yesterday, we decided to step in the direction of Barrett going to school outside of our home. We stopped by the elementary school again (after we finished at the High School for Freshman orientation) to tell the counselor that we wanted Barrett to attend there. We ended our conversation by just throwing out that we knew we couldn't pick his teacher but just wanted to let her know that we knew one of the 3rd grade teachers from church. The counselor got a big grin on her face and said, "I put him in her class room yesterday!" We all hugged in the hallway as we knew God was working in the details once again.



So tonight, before we said prayers with Barrett and Asa, we recalled how grateful we were for all the years we had together through homeschooling. I have considered it such a privilege to teach them. I told them what an honor I felt it was to be their Mama & their Teacher. I know this is not the end of my schooling them, as I will continue to educate their whole-being, like we always have...

but for tomorrow...those two are going to school, and I am totally trusting God to guide us down the path He is leading us.

So... how am I doing?! My emotions have been on a true roller coaster as you can imagine:

Most of the tears have been grateful tears as I reflect on how good God has been to allow us to homeschool.

Others have been for the severe missing of the little 5-year old that would be entering Kindergarten.

Yet other tears have been for the amazing details that God has worked out because He loves my children more than me.

As Barrett hugged me when I was leaving his room tonight, he whispered in my ear, "I'm excited to go." Asa told me in our hug, "I'm ready."

Once again, I am grateful for the place He has us in for today.

Lord, you have assigned me my portion, and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. Surely I have a delightful inheritance. Psalm 15:5-6.

Where I've Been

A more appropriate title should be, Where Everybody Else in the Family has Been.

I have actually been at home while the boys have gone to exciting places around the country and continent. All is well, but I admit, it was a bit too much motion for my 9-month pregnant soul. I can't believe that the date on my last post is October 2. Please tell me today is not the 26th!! I feel as if I should apologize to you faithful readers. I am sorry! I will warn you...reading this post may make you as exhausted as I am...and so are the two snoring boys next to me.

The first week of October we had a Fall Break from school. We were off for the whole week. My first thought was to not take the time off but keep on pushing so I would be ahead when the baby comes. However, after schooling for about 8 weeks, I could see our schedule slipping a bit and decided we probably needed the week off. I delved into cleaning out closets...not Brock's closet, just all the others in the house.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. " Matthew 6: 19-20.

I am always so convicted by this verse when I start to clean out. How did I accumulate all these "treasures"? We just moved 5 years ago. I felt like I did a drastic clean-out then. The amount of time it takes to clean out, rearrange, dust, organize and make decisions about this stuff makes me just want to scream. It definitely takes away from any time I could spend storing up treasures in Heaven. I debated for weeks in my mind before starting the cleaning out process...Do I sell it on eBay? Have a garage sale? Or just drive it all to the thrift store for donation? That cluttered my mind and time too. ARRRHHHH!

The next week, I felt swamped by all the mess I had made. We started back to school. Trying to get back on schedule made me think perhaps the break was not worth it. Mid-week we decided to have a garage sale on Friday. So the mess continued to grow all week until we could move it outside Friday morning.

Friday Morning, October 16th, Drew and Asa got up at 4 am. They put out our garage sale signs about 4:30am while heading to the airport to drop Asa off. He flew to North Dakota to hunt with my parents. Some of you may remember he did this last year. It was such a blessing spending time with my father. Drew got home around 7 am. We quickly set up the junk, I mean wonderful earthly treasures, we were trying to convince others to take off our hands. Eight hours later we had almost $600 in hand.

Tired but contented, we went back inside to realize we forgot 4 items that would have sold easily. The reason we forgot - they were in Brock's closet! I caught Drew in a glazed stare in Brock's room. Having to pull the items from the closet was hard. Realizing that we did not have a 4-year old to enjoy them was even harder. Oh, how we miss him!

We doggedly loaded the rest on the back of the trailer and took it straight to our church-sponsored new thrift store. Even though I was tired, I felt such a relief to be rid of all the clutter. A small taste of freedom, for sure.

This past week, Drew once again got up at 4am and headed out for the airport. This time he took Mason. They traveled to Matamoros, Mexico for a father- son mission trip to build houses, do prison ministry and orphan ministry. This is a trip he took Asa on when he was in 6th grade. When we talked about it in the late summer, it seemed really far away from when the baby would be born. But last week it made us both a little nervous with only three weeks to go. While they were gone, I picked Asa up from the airport. He had a great trip. Last year, because he rode in the RV with my parents, he took his books and did school while he was gone. This year he flew, so there was not room to take his books. The end of last week was wild, trying to help him catch up on his school.

With prayer warriors in full strength, Drew and Mason made it home this past Sunday night. I cried as they walked in the door. Drew said, "Why are you crying, I made it home and you did not have the baby?!" I said, "That is exactly why I'm crying." Tears of joy, relief and blessing. I think I held my breath a bit while he was gone.

I was one happy mama as I took in the sights and sounds of everyone trying to tell of their adventures all at the same time...Asa telling of hunting tales from North Dakota, Barrett telling of his new flag football spin-move and Mason telling of the precious kids he played with in the Mexican orphanage. Drew and I caught each others eyes and smiled...ahhh, life is good!

God I Praise You! Thank you for allowing safe travels for everyone and great adventure for all. While the "safe" part of me just wanted to keep everyone at home and say no to all the opportunities, you call us outside of ourselves so that you can work. I am glad I trusted in Your goodness. You provided blessings once again...beyond what we could imagine. AMEN

Still here...

Hey y'all! I have been thinking and praying for you a bunch. I am so sorry I have not written lately. I could give you a long list of excuses but basically life has been moving at warp speed. I am still trying to sort out many things like my wide range of emotions. Matter of fact, I have several posts already typed and in my mind BUT I am just not ready to hit the "publish" button yet.

I have not forgotten about my blog or you sweet people who check in with us here. God has used many of you also during my time of "little writing" this summer to encourage me to keep going. While I am full of emotions still in the second year of our grief (and being pregnant on top of that!) God has been teaching me many things about myself and Him. I find it hard to write about these things until I feel I have sorted through them.

As I was asking God where to serve this fall, He made it very clear that one was "in my home" and the other was "this blog." So I will be here sharing what God is doing as I run to Him.

Updates from our "Living Hard"

The question of casual conversation these days seems to be, " Did you have a good summer?" Our summer was great with a mix of fast and slow. With the poor economy, we knew we were not able to take a vacation like we did last year, so I got a crazy idea to write out our blessings on one of our interior glass doors. I thought as we walked by them daily it would remind us each time to give thanks. I also hoped it would minimize our whining. I bought some Crayola Glass Markers and wrote at the top of the door, "Summer Fun." I left the markers close by and asked the boys to write things they were thankful for that they got to do this summer.

Some of the things that made the lists were:

White Water Passes - Bought with $ Grandparents gave them for good grades.

Playing Uno on the back porch after dinner.

Travel Baseball Tournaments.

'Man Hunt' at friends' homes.

Growing a Garden.

Beach Trip - Mason was invited for a week to the beach with a friend - What a blessing!

Playing Golf with Daddy and Daddy Curt as Caddies.

Hollie's Wedding

Chasing down the ice cream man.

Sleep Overs.

Picking Melons from the field.

Selling watermelons.

It worked! We had a blessed summer indeed, and we relived each joy as we would see them on the door. We enjoyed our exercise in thankfulness so much that I may have to put up "Fall Blessings" as we anticipate more wonderful blessings.

We officially started school three weeks ago. We are off to a good start! The two bigger boys go out for classes two days a week. They are at home for three days. Barrett is at home with me doing 2nd grade. For those interested, we are using Sonlight's Year 2 Curriculum, studying the the fall of Rome to the present.

We did have several painful goodbyes this summer that happened around the same week. Our sweet 16- year old dog, Josie, died. After you have had a child die, the death of a pet is completely in perspective. However, Josie had been around for so long. It was sad thinking of all the life that had passed with her around. She was a great dog that we got from the Humane Society. I have pictures of her with each of the boys. The boys even joked that she may just stick around for the new baby.

Another tearful hug goodbye came when our house cleaner told me she had to go back to Brazil to look after her sick father. She was here the afternoon Brock died; she stood over me and wailed and prayed in Portuguese. We also stood tearfully at the grave of one of Mason's baseball coaches who, at only 39, died suddenly, leaving behind his wife and two young boys. The sadness over these things seemed to do just like grief does...it digs up other unresolved grief emotions. Or, maybe it is the change of "seasons" as that always seems to send me sailing on the waves of grief.

Yes, just like before, the change of seasons seems to have taken me under a bit. I am not sure if it is that as soon as I get used to surviving one season, then another one comes. The new season brings reminders of all the things we did when Brock was here during that time of year. These reminders bring up that deep hurt, more than just the ones I live with daily. Or... is it that as I went down the list of things that the boys needed for school, I felt like there should be one more list to think of? Or... perhaps it is that as everything is changing, I feel as if my hurt and ache are still there somewhat unchanged by the passage of time yet moved on by the days of the calendar. Either way it is what it is ....grief. Some days I sit in it, some days I stand and other days I walk, but everyday I give it to Jesus and ask Him to hold me as I Love Hard on those I still have days on earth with. I ask him to fill me with Hope for the days I will spend with Him in eternity.

Oh, it feels good to be back here with you! Thanks for all your prayers and support. I will post again soon. I promise...

A Heartbeat

Well, my kids officially finished school today! Summer is here. I am so excited. Since we homeschool, and I have learned from the past, they will do some review work over the summer to keep their skills up.

April was extremely busy again. In the days and months after Brock's death, I was completely "out of it". Friends took care of many of my responsibilities as it seemed all I could do was take care of myself and my kids. Since then, as I have eased back into life, I feel myself being resistant to letting myself move at such a fast pace again. I find that it interferes with my listening and looking for my Lord. My mind gets filled with so many distractions that it is sometimes hard to "still" it like I would like. It also interferes with my time to fellowship with friends. It seems our conversations turn to "Hey, how are you?" and "Gotta go." Sometimes we do it to ourselves, but Drew and I are much more aware that we control how fast our family runs. Slowing down is a decision. All that to say, I am glad May is here with some time to slow down.

Last week we went to the Baby Doctor for the first time. I am changing doctors. My GYN does not deliver babies anymore, so I have been asking around for a new doctor. We have prayed about this doctor. With all of our emotions, we wanted one that was professional yet sensitive to our story and the emotions that have already come. I prayed that I would know right away if this doctor was the one God was preparing for us. After we met with the nurse, we met with Dr. H. in his office. The first thing he said after looking at my paperwork was, with a knowing smile, "Tell me about this little one you have in Heaven."

When we went back to the exam room, he reminded me that he might not be able to pick up the baby's heartbeat with the doppler, because at 12 weeks, it might be too early. For those of you that haven't had babies in many years, the doppler is like a microphone that they put some gel on and they rub it on your belly to hear the heartbeat. It is like a sonogram but without the picture, just the sound. About the time he started to put in on my belly, the nurse began talking to Drew about some paperwork. The instant he put it there, our child's heartbeat rushed over the speaker! No searching necessary! I started to cry. Then I realized that Drew was still talking and not listening. I said to the Dr., "I don't think he is listening." He said, "Yeah, just a miracle going on over here, and he's not listening." We got Drew's attention. Then we both began to cry. As the nurse handed me a tissue, for some reason I said, "I'm sorry." Dr H said, "Don't apologize, my wife says that when I stop crying is when I should quit this business." He said, "I cry at deliveries. I will cry at yours." As we finished our visit and started to leave, Dr H. said, "I have to think there is someone in Heaven smiling down on this right now."

I cried all the way home as I was so overwhelmed at the Lord's goodness. I asked Him to make it clear to us one way or the other about this doctor. In His usual manner, He blessed me beyond my imagination. Y'all, he is sooooo into details, big and small! I love the way He is writing the story of my life. This visit was on Friday. It was the perfect start to my Mother's Day weekend.

You see, the afternoon Brock died, we were in the Emergency Room glaring a hole in the heart monitor, so desperate to see a heartbeat...yet there was none. I think it is so precious the Lord chose to give me a new heartbeat for this Mother's Day. Thank you Lord for this wonderful gift.

Broken Road

The County has been working on the road that leads to our home this week. They came back to give it the final top coat of asphalt. It reminded me of this talk I gave to our homeschool support group in the fall. I have adapted this post from that talk.

The day school got out last year in May 2008, the road leading to our house was destroyed, broken up, all the way down to the dirt. I mean completely destroyed as the bridge that we cross over to get to our street was actually no longer there. People that had driven by would say to me, “What has happened to your road? That is terrible.”

Some of you might even hate those orange cones of construction that we have all over this city, but when you live in a house full of boys like I do, you see the project as quite fascinating. Every day we would comment as we were pulling out our driveway, “Wonder what the road looks like today?” We would wonder how we were going to get out. You see, after they tore up the road and closed it, they made us a temporary private road to access our neighborhood street. Sometimes this private road was u-shaped, slightly curved and other times took a sharp right as you had to dodge the caution tape, the orange cones, the ten foot drop off, and the existing telephone pole that was now in the middle of the road. The menagerie of large equipment trucks, machinery, caterpillars of every size made it exciting to see. We’ve never seen those things working so up close. Just ask Mason, my second son, how one of those front loaders comes out of a creek bed at a 75 degree angle. As I thought about that "broken road" I was reminded again…you know, it is all in how you look at it. You know, your perspective. Like Mama told you, “There’s always two ways to look at it.”

On Jan 31, 2008, I underwent a major perspective change as my precious fourth son Brock died during his afternoon nap. For you can imagine, all the hopes, dreams, ideals, plans and thoughts I had about my life and his all came crashing in. For in the Bible Proverbs 19:21 says, “Many are the plans in a man’s (woman’s) heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Wait a minute…this was not in my schedule. I had no choice in it. Not one plan, thought, worry or detail could change what happened. For Brock’s life was complete. Although it seemed too short to me, I could not add or take away one day to the life God had for Brock. I had to abruptly let go of the way I thought it should be and ask God to lead me ever so gently down this “broken road”. I use the word broken because I know that is what it is in the world’s eyes. But in God’s kingdom, things are so upside down. Although I would not have wanted Brock to die, it has been a privilege to walk this road with the Savior.

My perspective about spending time with the Lord is no longer the same of, “Oh Lord I woke up late again,” “Oh I’ve got to do better on my quiet time, I’ll have time later.” My cry became, “Lord you are it.” His word is my lifeline. I wake every morning running to Him so as to take every horrible thought captive and give Him every ounce of the pain. I have come to love Psalm 42: 1-2 “As the deer pants for streams of water so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?” He is good, faithful, so big and yet so intimate. He is Truth. All the things I had read and hoped about Him I have now seen with my eyes. Shortly after Brock died, Drew and I both commented on how we felt like to live the rest of our life without Brock felt like we had been handed a “death sentence.” We used those words. Then in my quiet time that morning I read the Scripture that Paul wrote in 2 Cor. 1:9 “Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.” We both looked at each other with tears in our eyes. Lord, keep us always relying on You.

My perspective now is I can’t miss my time with the Lord. I imagine He wakes me up in the morning wanting to talk with me and tell me what riches He has in store for me that day. You see, much like us when we would drive out our driveway wondering what new road they had just for us that day, I can’t wait to see what the Lord has for me. I’ve learned to let go of my schedule and be open to what God has for that day. I welcome interruptions by well wishing friends, friends in need, my children, my husband or myself when I just need to fall apart in my emotions. Relationships are so important. My relationship with the Lord and Christian family and friends are eternal.

I know often we spend lots of time planning our days, months and even year. Sometimes we can get ourselves in a tizzy over how it will all work out. As I have tried to look ahead at my days, God constantly reminds me, "Unh Unh, right here, Keep your eyes on Me." Like in Matthew 6:34, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I am not coming down hard on schedules, in years past, I had mine all typed out too. Just ask God to show you how much time to spend on the planning so that you don’t waste precious energy - physical and mental on something while you are missing what God has for you. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future…" He knows and He’s waiting for you to trust Him enough to ask.

That leads me to my next point. Trust Him! Trust Him enough to let Him be in control. Trust Him enough to know He is in control whether you let Him or not. God is sovereign over everything! While I can’t understand why Brock died and can’t make any sense of it, I have to trust that for some eternal reason, He allowed it. This summer we took a trip to Buena Vista, Colorado to Young Life’s Trail West Family Camp in an RV. We had it parked in our driveway getting it ready to go. Well, with our road under construction, my children and all of us for that matter became very concerned that we would not be able to get the RV out of our “broken road” when the day come for us to leave. Some days it was so narrow and tight we could not have gotten through. We were so worried that Drew decided he would go and tell them, “Now guys, we're leaving on Thursday. I need you to make sure the road will be wide enough that morning.” Well, after talking with some not so reliable sources, we decided to just trust that God had prepared this trip for us and the road would be open that day,… and it was!

What ever situation you find yourself in right now is exactly where God wants you. He will equip you in perfect time. Trust Him to be in complete control. While I would have told you I thought God was in control of my life, I have realized so many times on this journey that my fleshy nature wants to take back control. I am amazed at how I really want to be in control of some areas of my life.

When you’ve had a child die and things seem completely out of control and you can’t muster up enough about you to think anything through, you realize there is not much comfort in thinking you are in control. There is no comfort in thinking that God just steps back and lets you do it your way. This now scares me. I don’t want to be in control! I will surely make a mess of my life.

One day before this school year began, God allowed me some time to look at what I was going to do for Barrett's first grade school year. I had a small amount of time where God met me and helped me see clearly what to do with Barrett. I felt great going to bed, but you know, the feeling I woke up with the next morning was, “that was not enough planning." Is it just me or have you ever gone to bed in complete peace only to wake up the next morning worrying again? I wondered when I would find the time to look at it again. Then in my quiet time I read Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, July 26. The scripture Psalm 32:8 was the focus. “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.” As I read it I thought, “Oh yeah, I liked that verse years before as one of my "theme verses" for my homeschool year. I think I thought it was sweet to think of me teaching my children. When I reread it on that day, I just cried as I recognized it as God telling me He was going to instruct me. You see, this was something so familiar yet looked at in a completely different way...from God’s perspective.

Finally, now that I more fully recognize and trust God is in control, I see everything as from Him; the weather, His creation, my husband, and my children. Yes, children are a gift from the Lord. It is our awesome privilege as Moms to carry those eternal beings in our belly, give birth to those creatures made in the image of God and nurture them in the ways of the Lord. God is the Author and Perfecter of our children’s lives. He has ordained their life, numbered their days and counted the hairs on their head. He loves you and them. God is in the details of whatever you are going though, it is exactly where He wants you. Ask Him to show Himself in Your circumstances. Ask Him to give you eyes wide open to see Him. Ask Him to help you see things His way.

A few days after Brock died, I was in my bathroom drying my hair, and I thought how life before Brock died seemed so hard. And now dealing with this, I didn’t see how we could take it much harder. I heard that voice in my ear as the Lord said, “Why do you look at it that way?” He was right. His way is easy. The hard part is giving Him control and looking at it from His perspective. He wanted me to do as 2 Corinthians 4: 18 says, “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” His way is always heavenly focused. This place is not our home. We aren’t to be comfortable here. I have never longed for heaven in such a way since Brock died. Nothing I can say, do, hear, buy or eat can take away the pain of losing my baby. That pain belongs to Jesus, and He will make it right when all these light and momentary troubles are over.

We now talk about heaven a lot at our house. “What is Brock doing? What is it like?” Randy Alcorn’s books about Heaven suggest that when we go on vacation we study and learn about the place we are going. Are you going to heaven someday? Don’t forget to teach your kids about it as it will renew your passion for living here in anticipation of eternity with the Lord and your loved ones. One day while talking with Barrett about how he missed Brock, I said “Oh, how great it will be when you see him again. Just think of how you will hug him.” He exlaimed, “Yeah, I’m gonna hug him hard. I know you aren’t supposed to hug little kids hard, but Brock will be stronger ‘cause God will make him stronger.” I said, “That is going to be awesome” and then went into the laundry room. Moments later Barrett came in and said “Okay. I want to go to heaven right now to see Brock, but I want to live here with you, too.” I dropped to my knees and hugged him and said, “I understand.” You see, at first, without my eternal perspective I thought, “Lord, why does a little boy have to know the hurt of losing a little brother, his best friend?” Then I found myself saying, “Thank you Lord for the longing in Barrett’s heart for Heaven. May you always remind him of that.”

Back to our road. They worked diligently because they had to have it back open by the first day of school this past August. You see, they understood like we do now that time is short. But an interesting thing was that as we saw the new road coming together, we were amazed at how the plan was to take some curves and hills out to make it less dangerous, yet it looked very similar to the old road…but new. In Ecclesiastes 7:13, scripture says, “Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what He has made crooked?” Much like my life, I would not have chosen this “broken road” but as God’s will, I will walk it by faith, given from Him, the privilege of a new perspective.

Waves

I began this post a few days ago...... I was writing to tell you I was feeling better.... and then before I could get this published, another wave of my emotions hit. I have often likened my grief to waves hitting on the seashore. Lately there seems to be a storm as the waves are coming one behind the other. Grief is strange in that some days it takes you all the way back to the beginning. The emotions are the same.... but different. In the beginning I was "out of life" as so many people were taking care of all my needs. I had the time to just sit and process or give in to the wave when it would hit. Now that I have returned to the busy flow of life and obligations, it is sometimes harder when those waves hit as I am standing up, not sitting down. Not sure exactly what has caused the roughness of the water lately except possibly grief itself. So, thank you for praying...I still really need it.

I originally started this post with this: We have all been well this week. I am feeling better emotionally also. (You would think I would learn to quickly hit 'Publish' before my emotions change.) Anyway....

My upward swing was prompted with this thought, so I will focus today on these same principles. A few days ago in my favorite devotional book, "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young, I was reminded that it is good to give thanks. Thanksgiving is what the Lord wants me to do.

I remembered how last year in those really dark weeks following Brock's death, Drew and I were astonished at how many times we were coming across the words "give thanks" in our Bible reading. Over and over we would read these words. How strange that at such a time as this ,we were coming across the idea of thanksgiving? We would find that on those days where sadness seems to make the beam of hope really small, that if we could find something to utter praise about, God would begin to transform our mind. Our darkness would turn to light. We had so much to praise the Lord about from the kindness of His people to the comfort of His righteous right hand, it was just that sometimes our heart felt so burdened with grief. In Jesus Calling, Sarah describes it like this, "Your prayers and petitions are winged into heaven's throne room when they are permeated with thanksgiving." What a beautiful picture!

I took a look back in my journal to see when I first started to notice this word. I found that on the day of Brock's funeral, I had written that morning from my devotion this quote of "let thankfulness and trust be your guide through this day."

The words "give thanks" are all through the Old and New Testaments. I am sure I had read them before, but in the time after Brock's death, the words seemed to leap off the page at me. I love how God's word is "living" and so relevant to my life today. For this is what I needed, and it was good for me. Somehow in the mystery of finding something to be thankful for, God would change the focus of my mind. He did not ask me to thank Him that Brock died, just to find something in my circumstances for which to thank Him. When I did, my heaviness did not seem so overbearing.

There were so many times when this was so clear. One of those came when I began to worry and fret about the homeschooling of my children in the midst of my grief. I worried they would get behind. I questioned every feeling I had about God's call for us to homeschool. I wondered how in the world this could be good at this time.

Then one day as I was reading with Barrett, he came across the word Rock. He said, "Rock, if you put a B in front of that, it spells Brock. It would be good if he were here right now, and we were talking to him." I said, "I know Barrett. I miss him so much." Barrett said, "Me too." He began to cry. I pushed aside the book and just held him as we both cried. I found myself in that moment saying to the Lord, "I am so thankful I homeschool." I was so glad that I was the one there with him that day when he needed to cry. God began to break away at my fears about our homeschooling as He reminded me that because we homeschooled, Asa and Mason knew Brock so well. The bittersweet thought was that because we homeschooled the boys each had a "time with Brock" on their schedule. This was their time to play with him during our school hours so that I could help the others without distraction. Once I acknowledged my thankfulness, my mind was transformed, and those worrisome thoughts were gone.

Another time was when I was really struggling with some guilt over Brock's death. I would call my days of struggling with this a feeling of torment. It would physically get a hold of me. Mentally, I could think of nothing else but these terrible thoughts. I was pouring out my heart to the Lord, or rather "fussing" at the Lord with these thoughts.... If it had to happen, couldn't it have been on a day that Drew and I were both home? Why did I have to be the one that laid Brock down for his nap?

I was feeling so sorry for myself. Then I remembered that Drew had been struggling with not being able to remember his last words to Brock that morning. All of the sudden, I strangely found myself saying, "Thank you Lord that I was the one to lay Brock down." I knew when I had last held him...when I had rocked him...when I had kissed him. I knew exactly my last words of saying, "I love you Brockie" and him saying, "I uv jou Mommy." In that moment my mind was transformed, and the grip of this guilt began to loosen.

God inhabits our praise! Today I am thankful for His word that reminds me to give thanks. I am also thankful that when I do get down, I think of all you sweet people praying for me and for us. You know what...I feel my focus being transformed already!


...give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1Thessalonians 5:17-19

You Didn't Tell Me About This

A funny little story about Barrett:

About a month ago we took him into the Dr.'s office for a sore on his head. The doctors thought it was ringworm. They said you can get it from cats. We don't have a cat. I then began thinking a funny thought of what woman, that owns a cat, had touched Barrett's hair? Everyone finds his curly blonde head hard to not touch. Anyway, it turned out not to be ringworm once the labs came back.

But, while we were there the nurse informed me that Barrett had not had a well checkup since he was 3. You can imagine what kind of self talk I had to do to fight off the bad mom complex. He has been to the Dr since he was 3, just not for the official "well checkup". So this meant that he was behind on his vaccinations. Since we homeschool, we don't have to turn in a vaccination report for school. So, I guess that is where it fell under the radar.

I made the appointment.

When the day came, Mason, being a good big brother said, "Hey Barrett, you're gonna get a shot today." Barrett said "No." The argument continued until they found me. I had not yet told Barrett because I thought that would just be something I would tell him on the way there or maybe even in the exam room. I thought...no need for him to stress about it for too long.

Barrett looked up at me and said, "Mason said I am going to get a shot, ....am I?!" I told him yes, it was true, but it was nothing to worry about as it would only hurt like this - and I pinched his arm a little. He took a deep breath and rolled his eyes up at me and Mason and said, "That's not gonna hurt."

Off we go to the appointment. We are called for our turn to be seen. The nurse did all her things and as she is leaving she says, "Take off your clothes leaving on just your underwear. The Doctor will be in shortly."

Barrett just sat there with a funny look on his face.

I said, "Barrett just take your pants off and then you can slip your shirt off when the Dr. comes in the room. That way you won't get cold."

He looked at me with his hands held tightly to the top of his pants and shook his head "No."

I said, "Barrett you have to take your clothes off. Everybody does it."

He said, "Well then we have to go home."

I chuckled and said "We can't go home. What is it?"

He said with even more urgency, "We have to go home....I have on dinosaurs."

I'm not sure why dinosaur underwear was embarrassing.... but it was to him!?!

Mason and I are both trying hard not to fall to the floor laughing.

I walked in front of him as he sat with his legs dangling off the exam table and his back slouched against the wall, I put my hands on his legs and softly said, "Barrett they don't care about that. Don't worry, take your pants off now."

He leaned forward looking me straight in the eyes with the most serious tone and said,
"You didn't tell me about this."

Oh my, it makes me laugh again just thinking about it. ......So Funny!

After that day, his words "you didn't tell me about this" kept playing over and over in my mind. Don't you love when God uses the words right out of the mouth of babes to speak to you? You see, since Halloween, I have been saying those same words to the Lord. Halloween seemed to put me on the "Holiday train." All Aboard, hang on, here we go!! As everyone has warned, the first holidays will be so hard, I have dreaded them. However, I have found up to now, usually my anticipation of the holidays are way worse than the actual days have been. This is because as I have learned, I can't predict the way the Holy Spirit will comfort me on that day or give me grace for that moment.

I miss Brockie deeply everyday.

Holidays seem to serve as markers that time is marching on since I last held Brock. The emotions on those days are intensified. As I was trying to figure out just what it was about the Holidays, a friend reminded me that they are just days that we remember. You probably don't remember what you were doing 2 or 3 days before Thanksgiving last year, but you remember Thanksgiving Day. That is so true.

This journey since Brock died has been a day by day or moment by moment living. However after Halloween, I forgot all that and looked ahead. Until now each time I would think of the Holidays, God would remind me, Not today...that is not for today. But on November 1st, in my fleshy spirit, when I walked into Wal-Mart and the Christmas decorations were up... I did it.

I looked ahead.

This is the time of year that everyone is looking ahead, why not me?

I began to say to the Lord, "This is too hard. You have the wrong person. This is more than I can bear even with You."

I found myself overcome with grief but not the same grief...it had a new feel. I could not quite identify why it was different, but it was. I began struggling with anxiety. My physical health began to manifest all these feelings. As I was continuing to ask the Lord to show me what it was, He was faithful!

I did not realize that I had taken my focus off the day by day living that He calls us to. First He showed me that I had to back up and focus on today. Because I was struggling with my mind, I looked to Scripture to tell me what to think on. Philippians 4:8-9 says, "Finally brothers, whatever is true...whatever is right...think about such things."

What was true was that I could not think about the holidays - now through January 2009 - and begin to imagine how God would come through. Tomorrow is not true; when we think about tomorrow, we tend to leave God out. We either think nothing of Him there or we think too little of Him. His ways are not our ways; His thoughts are not our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8). I can't predict what way He will show Himself when that day comes.

Still, I kept finding myself saying Barrett's words of, "You didn't tell be about this!" You didn't tell me that the pit in my stomach, that was so strong the days and weeks just after Brock died, would return. You didn't tell me that every store I enter would bring an ache in my heart so strong I could feel it in my chest. "Christmas" is for kids. Every advertisement seems to taunt me that one of my kids are not here.

As I cried out to the Lord, I never doubted He was there, yet things were very still. He held me close as He was patient for me to sort through my feelings as I told Him every one. Somehow in His mysterious ways, He knows my fears and anxieties, yet He knows it is good for me to give them to Him.

One day as I was saying those words of Barrett's again in my head, He reminded me that was the same place in my spirit that I was in on the night Brock died. My spirit so strongly did not want to do this. I remember thinking, "Lord, ask me to do anything, but don't ask me to do this. Not my precious son Brock!"

On the night Brock died, my sweet college friend Wynn called from California. She had already walked through losing her Mom as a young woman. She said, "Nita, I know it hurts, but you have to go through it."

After we hung up, I told the Lord, "Ok, if I have to do this, then please lead me ever so gently straight through this, not letting me step to one side or the other to ease my hurt on anything but You." I asked Him to use every ounce of the hurt in my life, Drew's and the kids' for His Glory.

I wept at the Lord's feet as I realized that I was stiff-arming the Holidays. I think I thought that I would not have to go through the Holidays. I'm not sure if I was hoping Brock would be back or that Jesus would come again. Either way, I hoped I wouldn't have to do this. Instead of letting the reality of my situation sink in slowly, I had let some bitterness take root. I was thinking, "I don't want to do this...

I don't want to miss dressing up that cute little one in a costume. I don't want to give Thanks on a year that feels so wrong. I don't want to make out a Christmas list for only three children. I don't want to ring in a new year.....I want to do this one over!" Gee, as I write this, I see again how ugly my flesh is.

But that is truth.

Once the Lord led me to the place that I could see it, I began to identify it and give it to Him.

So once again in my chair on that morning, I told the Lord. "I don't want to do this, but if I have to, I ask you again Lord to lead me ever so gently straight through these Holidays, not letting me step to one side or the other. Help me to trust You as You have been so good. Help me to have eyes wide open to see your goodness"

That same day, I received a card from a friend that said she was praying the we would be "overwhelmed by God's goodness this Holiday season." God is good, and I will give thanks that He is leading me by His righteous right hand . I am sure that at the end of these Holidays as I reflect on His Goodness, I will once again say to the Lord in a different way, "You didn't tell me about this."

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Lessons Learned

Hey y'all, I'm still here.

I am just trying to come out from under the piles I've been cleaning. Last week while we were on fall break, I set it aside as time to do some much needed purging to improve the environment of our home. I guess I should be thankful that these things are beginning to bother me again. So many things didn't seem to matter in those months close to Brock's death.

I have read that lack of organization is also a by product of grief.

Yet on some days when I am in the "missing him so much mode," I find myself trying to figure out what I can do to get him back. Usually I go back to the events of THE DAY just hoping that if I get to that certain point the outcome will be different. Never before has the verse "... take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5) meant so much. I know that if I stay with those thoughts too long they will take me to a place of self pity and yuck. I know the answer but man when you are so overcome with grief your mind will think crazy thoughts. It is a day by day sometimes moment by moment surrender.

While I recognize God's Sovereignty and know He is in complete control, on those days I find myself in a closet or with a pile. I guess it is one little thing that I can "control" - the size of the pile or the mess of the closet that is. The cleaning out was good. It gave me quite a bit of time to think. Some was good and some was too much time. Often I realize as I am in the middle of things - usually when the tears start flowing - that I could not have done this before now. God just continues to lead me ever so gently being my portion for that day.

I am not sure how I got so off on that as my thoughts are also sometimes unorganized.

Whew, a lot of life has passed since I last posted. I am learning about this blog thing and one is if you wait too long to post, then you have too many things to talk about. I have wrestled over the past few days over where to start. It may take me a couple of posts to update. I will start with Asa.

He flew home on Monday all by himself. He had a wonderful trip. The time was full of adventure. He shot many things that fly, or shall I say 'used to' fly in the air. He had so many stories to tell of his own and stories that he learned while listening to his Daddy Curt and Mema. He journaled his trip, and it is precious to read. I have included several entries (with his permission) that say a bit about his trip - in his words....

October 1, 2008
Today is the 8 month anniversary of Brock's death. Today is also the day that I'm going to leave with my Mema and Daddy Curt to go with them hunting. I get to do what I have always dreamed about. All my life, I have dreamed about going to North Dakota to go hunting with my Daddy Curt.

October 8, 2008
One of the things I've learned from life is that if you try your hardest to do what your parents want you to do, God will bless you with kind, loving and nice parents. At least they will be kinder, nicer and loving-er (funny) than they used to be back when you weren't nice, kind or loving to them.

October 10, 2008
Today I shot 3 doves with only 2 bullets (quick, you do the math).

October 13, 2008
Today is the first. Today is the last. It's the first day of being back. It's also the last day of the trip. I really miss Mema and Daddy Curt. I miss hunting too.


He also did a little school while he was gone. After he got home he asked me a question about his algebra lesson. I commented,

"Wow, you really seem to have a good grasp on that Asa."

He looked up at me with much pride and said, "Mom, I got THE algebra lesson."

"What ?!"

"Mom, when you were younger, didn't you get THE 'algebra lesson' from Daddy Curt?"

"Oh, Yea!"

You see my parents were both High School Math teachers when they were first married. Mema told Asa after he had been "taught" by Daddy Curt that his Uncle Mike, Aunt Lyn, his Mama and the 6 grand children that are older than he had gotten the same lesson. Somehow he seemed to think of this as a rite of passage equal to some of the hunting on his trip.

His descent back into life at home has been easy. Thank you for praying for Asa's trip. God provided and healed in a mighty way. All of us - my parents, Asa, his brothers, Drew and me felt the trip was a sweet kiss from the Lord.