Boys of Fall

Did you hear it? Today there was something in the air that whispered...

Fall is on it's way

While there is not much about the heat and humidity that feels like Fall, I know it's coming. I know this because the trunk of my car looks like this:

(Drew loves the contrast of the pink stroller versus the shoulder pads)

We have all three boys playing football this season. Barrett is playing in the local recreational program.

Asa is playing for the freshman team at the high school.


Mason is playing for the homeschool league's middle school team.


It still brings on a bittersweet thought that, from his birth, we always talked about Brock growing up to be our bruiser football player. With his stocky-thick build and fondness for roughhousing, we would dream about him "knockin people around." As I sit and watch the boys practice now, I can't stop my mind from imagining Brock's unique cadence running down the field. I can even hear them announcing...brought down by Brock 'The Rock' Meadows!

They have all been practicing for a few weeks now. Mason had a game this weekend. Asa and Barrett will each have their first game this week.

Now I am a true Southern Girl; I love to watch football. I can even be found talking about the weekend's games with my girl friends. However, the game became much different when "my boys" started playing. I am not so much afraid of them getting hurt, though I have uttered many prayers from the sidelines, but now that they are "my boys" out there, I am not so excited about the clashing hits. The boys come in from practice sweating from head to toe. They are literally spent...yet they smile as they go to bed talking about tomorrow's practice when they get to do it all over again.

Due to the heat index, Asa's team was legally unable to practice outside so the coach decided to hold practice at 5am - yes in the morning. He had to be there at 4:45AM. They finished football practice at 7:00am. He had to take a shower and eat breakfast at school and then go to class. Can you tell we take our football seriously here in The South!! I was proud of him - he never complained. He was ready to go every day.

Quite frankly, I really don't get it! I don't understand why, but they all love playing the game.

Why shouldn't they, they have had plenty of practice in the yard?!


They love the physical contact and all the exertion that goes with it.


Every bruise on their boyhood body is a medal of honor. The sound of the colliding helmets and pads is invigorating. Just like the hard lesson they've learned in life - when they get knocked down, they have to strengthen their weakened knees and get back up...with the help of the Lord.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Hebrews 12:11-12

I guess, in a not so little way.........I do get it.

I have to admit I cried when I watched this video. Kenny Chesney's song has quickly become one of our favorites. Enjoy!

***Warning - there is an ugly word (the A-word) at 2:05. Turn down your volume or cough at that point if you are watching with kids. ***

We're Doing Things Differently

When Asa, my now 14-year old was in 2nd grade, God led us to make the decision to homeschool him. Homeschooling became a way of life for our family as Mason joined the next year for 1st grade. Barrett followed a few years later.

We have always held homeschooling loosely. We have asked the Lord each year, "What is best for our family and kids this year?" Having felt His calling so strongly from the first year, some years when we didn't "hear" anything different. So we took that as the Lord telling us to, "Stay the course until I lead you to do something differently."

I have always been so thankful to have the time together that we've had in homeschooling. I have never been so grateful, though, as the year Brock died. I was thankful that the boys knew their little brother so well. I was thankful that the boys literally had a "time with Brock" slot in their school schedule so that I could work with the others. I was thankful that, in our grief, we were all here together. I was thankful that I was the one sitting at the table with the boys when they needed to talk about their little brother in the middle of the day. I am so grateful to the Lord for the place He called us to at that time.

People would always ask me, "How long are you going to homeschool?" I would first laugh and say, "All I know is that I am going to homeschool tomorrow, and then we will see." Then I would usually add, "Probably until Asa gets to high school.....but we will see."

Well, that day has come!

This past spring, when it came time to talk about school for this year, Asa approached us with wanting to go to the local public high school. We told him we were willing to talk and pray about it. While I held it together emotionally in front of Asa, I really had a hard time with it in private. Drew asked me, "Why are you struggling with this? It is what we always said we would do." I told him, "I know I said that before, but I think I thought that day was so far away...that it would never come."

Well, that day has come!

Through much prayer, discernment, and late night talks, we made the decision for Asa to attend the local high school. He has been working out with the football team all summer long and will be playing on the Freshman team.


He is ready to go! I can't wait to see how God is going to continue to mold him into the man He wants him to be as He uses all of Asa's life experiences. We are so proud of him. We are devoting ourselves to prayer, being watchful (for what God is doing) and ever thankful (for this opportunity). Colossians 4:2

However, what I did not know last spring was that God was not only pruning homeschooling Asa from my life...

.....but also Barrett !

The year after Brock died, as we were praying about our schooling for last year, I felt a literal "release" from the Lord regarding our homeschooling. It wasn't that we weren't supposed to homeschool, but that it was just an option if we so chose for our family. I can't really explain it... but release is the word that best describes.

We chose to homeschool last year, and I was grateful again that we were all at home as we welcomed Lila Jane into our family. It has definitely been the best education for all of us to watch her grow and fall so deeply in love with her.

Two days ago, as Drew and I felt no peace with Barrett's schooling for this year, we visited the elementary school down the street. As we waited for the counselor to tour us around, I looked at the school photo directory. We recognized that we knew one of the 3rd grade teachers from church. She is actually the wife of the Chef that came to our home to provide our meals the days after Brock's death.

Monday night was a long night of prayer and talking in our home. As we mentioned it to Barrett, he said, "I think I just want to stay at home and let you be my teacher." He paused and added, "But don't go off my words." I thought that was funny, because even though Asa proactively approached us, the more we talked about him going to school, he would say, "I just want y'all to decide." Barrett also wanted us to make the decision. Obviously, we were going to make the ultimate decision, but I just thought it was sweet that they both knew we would do what was best for them. Isn't it beautiful to see a child exhibit total trust in his parents?

I would rehearse voicing both of our decisions in my mind, but I never had a peace. I felt the Lord reminding me that faith is not sitting there tossing around all the pros and cons; faith is stepping out towards Him...in trust.

Yesterday, we decided to step in the direction of Barrett going to school outside of our home. We stopped by the elementary school again (after we finished at the High School for Freshman orientation) to tell the counselor that we wanted Barrett to attend there. We ended our conversation by just throwing out that we knew we couldn't pick his teacher but just wanted to let her know that we knew one of the 3rd grade teachers from church. The counselor got a big grin on her face and said, "I put him in her class room yesterday!" We all hugged in the hallway as we knew God was working in the details once again.



So tonight, before we said prayers with Barrett and Asa, we recalled how grateful we were for all the years we had together through homeschooling. I have considered it such a privilege to teach them. I told them what an honor I felt it was to be their Mama & their Teacher. I know this is not the end of my schooling them, as I will continue to educate their whole-being, like we always have...

but for tomorrow...those two are going to school, and I am totally trusting God to guide us down the path He is leading us.

So... how am I doing?! My emotions have been on a true roller coaster as you can imagine:

Most of the tears have been grateful tears as I reflect on how good God has been to allow us to homeschool.

Others have been for the severe missing of the little 5-year old that would be entering Kindergarten.

Yet other tears have been for the amazing details that God has worked out because He loves my children more than me.

As Barrett hugged me when I was leaving his room tonight, he whispered in my ear, "I'm excited to go." Asa told me in our hug, "I'm ready."

Once again, I am grateful for the place He has us in for today.

Lord, you have assigned me my portion, and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. Surely I have a delightful inheritance. Psalm 15:5-6.

Waiting

A funny story. For Barrett's Bible time in school, we are reading through the stories of the Bible. I read from the Bible and then Barrett reads from his Bible Story Book. We were reading the story from 2 Kings 4:8. It is about Elisha and the Shunammite woman. She and her husband extend great hospitality to Elisha. They even go as far as to build him a room on the roof of their house where he can stay when he is traveling their way. He is so grateful that he tells his servant to ask the couple what he can do for them....

"Then Elisha said, "Call her." so he called her and she stood in the door way. "About this time next year," Elisha said "you will hold a son in your arms."

After reading this Barrett said, "What if they wanted to wait?"

I said, "Well they don't have a child, I am sure they were probably ready for one." Why was I thinking that a 7 year old was thinking about waiting to have a baby?!?

Barrett said, "No, I mean...what if they wanted to wait to find out what they were having?! He just told them that they were going to have a boy."

I had to laugh. I guess all our talk of waiting to find out what this baby is has impacted Barrett.
I guess that God has been letting people know what they are having for a long time now, even without a sonogram machine.

Where I've Been

A more appropriate title should be, Where Everybody Else in the Family has Been.

I have actually been at home while the boys have gone to exciting places around the country and continent. All is well, but I admit, it was a bit too much motion for my 9-month pregnant soul. I can't believe that the date on my last post is October 2. Please tell me today is not the 26th!! I feel as if I should apologize to you faithful readers. I am sorry! I will warn you...reading this post may make you as exhausted as I am...and so are the two snoring boys next to me.

The first week of October we had a Fall Break from school. We were off for the whole week. My first thought was to not take the time off but keep on pushing so I would be ahead when the baby comes. However, after schooling for about 8 weeks, I could see our schedule slipping a bit and decided we probably needed the week off. I delved into cleaning out closets...not Brock's closet, just all the others in the house.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. " Matthew 6: 19-20.

I am always so convicted by this verse when I start to clean out. How did I accumulate all these "treasures"? We just moved 5 years ago. I felt like I did a drastic clean-out then. The amount of time it takes to clean out, rearrange, dust, organize and make decisions about this stuff makes me just want to scream. It definitely takes away from any time I could spend storing up treasures in Heaven. I debated for weeks in my mind before starting the cleaning out process...Do I sell it on eBay? Have a garage sale? Or just drive it all to the thrift store for donation? That cluttered my mind and time too. ARRRHHHH!

The next week, I felt swamped by all the mess I had made. We started back to school. Trying to get back on schedule made me think perhaps the break was not worth it. Mid-week we decided to have a garage sale on Friday. So the mess continued to grow all week until we could move it outside Friday morning.

Friday Morning, October 16th, Drew and Asa got up at 4 am. They put out our garage sale signs about 4:30am while heading to the airport to drop Asa off. He flew to North Dakota to hunt with my parents. Some of you may remember he did this last year. It was such a blessing spending time with my father. Drew got home around 7 am. We quickly set up the junk, I mean wonderful earthly treasures, we were trying to convince others to take off our hands. Eight hours later we had almost $600 in hand.

Tired but contented, we went back inside to realize we forgot 4 items that would have sold easily. The reason we forgot - they were in Brock's closet! I caught Drew in a glazed stare in Brock's room. Having to pull the items from the closet was hard. Realizing that we did not have a 4-year old to enjoy them was even harder. Oh, how we miss him!

We doggedly loaded the rest on the back of the trailer and took it straight to our church-sponsored new thrift store. Even though I was tired, I felt such a relief to be rid of all the clutter. A small taste of freedom, for sure.

This past week, Drew once again got up at 4am and headed out for the airport. This time he took Mason. They traveled to Matamoros, Mexico for a father- son mission trip to build houses, do prison ministry and orphan ministry. This is a trip he took Asa on when he was in 6th grade. When we talked about it in the late summer, it seemed really far away from when the baby would be born. But last week it made us both a little nervous with only three weeks to go. While they were gone, I picked Asa up from the airport. He had a great trip. Last year, because he rode in the RV with my parents, he took his books and did school while he was gone. This year he flew, so there was not room to take his books. The end of last week was wild, trying to help him catch up on his school.

With prayer warriors in full strength, Drew and Mason made it home this past Sunday night. I cried as they walked in the door. Drew said, "Why are you crying, I made it home and you did not have the baby?!" I said, "That is exactly why I'm crying." Tears of joy, relief and blessing. I think I held my breath a bit while he was gone.

I was one happy mama as I took in the sights and sounds of everyone trying to tell of their adventures all at the same time...Asa telling of hunting tales from North Dakota, Barrett telling of his new flag football spin-move and Mason telling of the precious kids he played with in the Mexican orphanage. Drew and I caught each others eyes and smiled...ahhh, life is good!

God I Praise You! Thank you for allowing safe travels for everyone and great adventure for all. While the "safe" part of me just wanted to keep everyone at home and say no to all the opportunities, you call us outside of ourselves so that you can work. I am glad I trusted in Your goodness. You provided blessings once again...beyond what we could imagine. AMEN

Celebrate!

***Update: For those of you that told me you couldn't wait to see the rest of the pictures from Hollie's wedding.....they are up on the photographer's blog at Vue Photography. There are two posts here and here so do not miss any of the gorgeous photos*******




This past weekend we celebrated the wedding of our niece, Hollie to her man, Wesley. We traveled outside of Athens to a gorgeous place called Tucker Plantation. The property has an old barn that they have renovated for special occasions. Hollie and Wesley have known each other all their lives. They grew up across the street from one another. They started dating in the 10th grade. Friday Night's rehearsal dinner was a celebration of each of their lives and their families.



Wesley's mom pointed out during her toast the legacy of commitment each of them had from their grandparents and parents. There is over 200 years of marriage between them. How precious and how rare! What a great heritage of commitment and faithfulness as each of the couples have chosen to make the Lord the center of their marriages.

Saturday's Bridesmaids Luncheon was a celebration of friendship.


With her grandmothers, aunts, sister, Mom and soon to be grandmother in laws, mother in laws and sister in law all by her, Hollie told her bridesmaids through smiles...


and tears how much they meant to her.

They celebrated relationships that had been strong through many ups and downs for many years.

Saturday night's wedding was a celebration of love.
It began with the Chiming of the Hour being played by our 3rd son, Barrett.


He did a great job and was sooo precious. We were awfully proud of him.

In memory of Brock, the ring bearer and flower girl walked down the aisle to Jesus Loves Me. Then Drew and I sang a beautiful song by Matthew West called When I Say I Do.

Asa, Mason, & Barrett played the part of the handsome cousins. They played the part well!

As the minister spoke, he reminded the happy couple of how body language is usually one of the first ways we let others know we love them. Our hands holding and hugging. From their parents who first reached out to hold them, to coaches, teachers, ministers, friends, and families whose hands all had influences on their lives. He reminded them of their hands that hold one another and now wear these rings of commitment. Then he talked about the hands that stretched out on a cross for them, bled for them and now will hold them and guide them through better or worse.

I had braced myself for the weekend...family gatherings are still so bittersweet as I wish so desperately that Brock were there joining all the fun with us.


The Lord kept reminding me that what I was experiencing in this celebration is just a foretaste of what Brock is experiencing now and what we will experience together forever.

This summer I read a book called, Your God is Too Safe. In it Mark Buchanan has a chapter entitled, Let's Party. He talks about the discipline of JOY. As Christians, we have joy in our hearts from knowing Christ and what He did for us. He calls it a discipline because"true celebration is deciding purposefully to rejoice and make every effort to do so." He says, "We celebrate in order to tear back the veil that keeps us from seeing heaven."


The Old Testament is full of God commanding his people to celebrate. There were feasts of all kinds from Harvest, Unlevened Bread and Passover to name a few. These were celebrations that lasted for long periods of time. And someday soon, Believers are promised a grand feast fulfilled when Christ, our groom, returns. If you do not know Him, He invites you to the party too!

Paul reminds us all over the New Testament to Rejoice in the Lord always... (Philippians 4:4) He writes, Be joyful always (Philippians 5:16). Jesus gave us His Joy so that our Joy might be complete. (John 15:11) Jesus' first miracle was turning water to wine at a wedding celebration so that the party could go on.



I kept thinking throughout the weekend of Jesus referring to himself as the bridegroom awaiting expectantly to come for his bride, the church. What a beautiful illustration as I watched Hollie and Wesley all weekend with the expectation and delight of taking each other as Bride and Groom.

On Sunday before we left town we went back to Tucker Plantation to help Hollie's parents, my brother Mike and his wife Kathy, take down and gather decorations. We had a great time with just my family - my sister, her husband, all my nieces and nephews, and even my great nephew were also there. Hollie and Wesley even came as they didn't leave for their honeymoon until Monday morning. There are kids of all ages in my family. It is always so much fun to see them all interact with one another. My boys have a blast with their "older" cousins. But once again, my heart ached as I wished Brock were there to giggle and laugh as a cousin tickled him while he was being held upside down.

His cackle was contagious; how I long to hear it again! His crooked smile was mischievous; how I long to see it again!


We had a great time as we worked and recalled the fun of the wedding celebration. Sort of like an after party. When we finished working, we even pulled out the food the caterer left in the fridge and enjoyed wedding leftovers.


When we got home that night the boys asked me if I ever got sad when I had to leave my family. I told them of how I usually cry the length of the road that leads to the interstate from my parent's house. They admitted that they felt a little let down from all the fun of the weekend. I reminded them that what we had experienced was a taste of Heaven and that when we all get there it will be sooo much better, and we will never have to say goodbye or stop the celebration!

Buchanan closes his chapter with a quote from a scene in C. S. Lewis', The Last Battle of Chronicles of Narnia. As the children have arrived in Narnia after a loud noise from the train they were riding...

Aslan turned to them and said: "You do not look so happy as I mean you to be." Lucy said, "We're so afraid of being sent away, Aslan.... you have sent us back to our own world so often." "No fear of that," said Aslan "have you not guessed?" Their hearts leapt and a wild hope rose within them. "There was a real railway accident," said Aslan softly. "Your father and mother and all of you are - as you used to say-dead. The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream has ended: THIS is the morning."

Oh, what a morning that will be!

....so let us throw off everything that hinders.. and let us run ...the race marked out for us - that we might endure and not lose heart and not grow weary. {paraphrase of Heb. 12:2}

Let's Celebrate!!!

Questions

Thank y'all for your sweet responses to our good news. Every congrats has meant so much. Some of you were even sneaky as you have now let us know that you were secretly praying that the Lord would give us another baby to love. Your words are so precious to us as they have served as confirmation to us that we were not the only ones praying for this child. Our joy is great!

However, it seems that all at once, in our great joy, the ache of our sorrow is deep. In true testament to the power of the Holy Spirit, we have had moments of joy since Brock died. In our laughter and joy, there is an ache for the missing of Brock that he is not here to have fun with us nor for us to marvel at.

We have talked a ton about Brock lately. He is on the forefront of our minds as we want to share the news with him and see his excitement. We have a "I'm the Big Brother" t-shirt that has been passed to each boy when he became the Big. Barrett went and got it the other night and said, "This would be Brock's now." We are all so excited and long to see that childlike excitement, of not fully understanding, but knowing you should be excited because everyone else is, in Brock's big eyes. He would have been an awesome big brother.

A few answers to your most frequent questions......I am feeling ok. I get pretty nauseated and am really ready for bed at night. I see both those things as good as they remind me I am pregnant. We will not find out what this baby is prior to the day we hold him or her. The only one we found out with was Brock. I felt like it was a weak moment and just a logistical decision. We were moving into our home and the "nursery" was painted pink. I wanted to know if I needed to paint the room. I wanted to know if I needed to move all the little boy stuff or give it away. We think we will go with the surprise this time. We truly see this child (as all are) as a gift from God. We just stand with open hands to receive His blessing.

The question the boys have asked the most is, "Where will the baby sleep?" We have a bassinet that Drew's Dad actually slept in when he was a baby. It has been passed around for all the Meadows' babies to sleep in. We keep our babies with us in that bed in our room for a while. I have just quickly reminded them of that. Last night I guess that answer was not enough as Barrett asked me again as we were driving in the car after dropping Asa off at baseball. I told him that after the baby sleeps in our bedroom, that he/she would go into Brock's room. I said, "I think that Brock would be okay with that, don't you?" Barrett quickly said, "Oh yeah, because Jesus has given him a new room." His sweet response ( and my raging hormones) caught me off guard, and I began to cry. I was braced for him to say, "But that's Brock's room." Barrett's words reminded me when Jesus said, "In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you." John 14:2

I have told you before how special Brock's room has been for us over the past year. It still has his toys, his clothes, his big boy bed and his rocker just as they were last year. It is a place all of us have enjoyed going. I have found the boys praying, crying or just playing in there. This will be the toughest of transitions for all of us. Since Brock died, I have asked the Lord to show me when I should go through the things in his room. I have not felt the desire to do so. I knew the day would come, but for now, his clothes are all still in his drawers and closet just like when he was here. In telling my Mom that this would be the hardest thing, she said that the day would have probably come where I felt like I wanted to do something with that room as all the boys got older. She said, "I can't think of a better thing to do with it than to get it ready for a new life."

Back in the car.... when Barrett realized I was crying, he said, "I wish I could get out of my seat belt right now and give you a hug."

Lord, thank you for all the precious lives you have blessed me with.

The Story

Late yesterday afternoon we learned that due to the rain from the morning, our baseball games were canceled. In trying to decide what to do with our time we remembered we were considering the music program that our church choir was doing. We did not think that we could because of schedule conflicts and honestly, it was not in our 'new' budget. As Drew and I talked about it we decided we would use a gift card for our Anniversary dinner (which is tomorrow) and go to the choir program. What a blessing we received! If you are in the Atlanta area, make plans tonight to go to the Cobb Energy Center to hear the Johnson Ferry Choir and Orchestra's presentation of "The Story." It will definitely prepare your heart for Easter.

As we walked up toward the ticket window a lady stepped away from a group and asked, "Do you have tickets?" We said, "No, we are about to buy them." She said, "How many do you need?" We said, "5." She began counting out five tickets and handed them to us. We offered to pay and she said, "No just receive it as a gift from Holt Rd Baptist in Marietta." Drew and I both looked at each other with tears in our eyes. Wow Lord, you take care of our every need. But our greatest need was about to be met as we sat for over an hour in the presence of the Lord. Feeling Him, Thinking on Him and Worshiping Who He is.

The Cobb Energy Center is a "new" venue in town. None of us had been there. It is a beautiful building but definitely a theater or concert hall feel. The program began by calling upon the Lord to be welcome and present. Oh! He was! As the room became a sanctuary, the presence of the Lord fell all over us. The music was beautiful. I cried through most of it. Since Brock died I haven't sat through one worship service without a tear falling at some point. I am always so moved by the words and music. I am either overcome with what the Lord has done for me, who He is or my deep longing to sing praises to Him for Eternity in Heaven. Often I find myself wondering what Brock hears in Heaven. How beautiful the music must be in its perfect form and how beautiful the angels must sound! When I wasn't crying I was smiling at Barrett. About every 5 minutes he would lean over and tell me a "new" person he recognized. There is Mrs. Rebekah my piano teacher, there is Carter's mom, there is Mr. Johnson, there is my choir teacher..... this went on all night long. He was so excited to see these people on stage. When the soloist sang the most beautiful arrangement of the old hymn, Are you washed in the Blood? he leaned over to me and said, "Mom, white as snow, remember?" I said. "Yeah that's you, Barrett." Asa's favorite part was the sand artist. Have you seen this? (click on the words sand artist, show your kids) He was on stage and creating while the choir sang a couple of songs. It was amazing. His final picture was one from the perspective of Jesus looking from the inside of the tomb out. The linens were laying folded and the stone rolled away with light bursting forth. It was beautiful.

Mason commented that his favorite part was when the two drama ladies talked about the custom of the folded napkin. The reader theater type drama throughout the concert was two ladies in a coffee shop (named HeBrews) talking about how some of our modern day customs originated with the Bible. The last custom they talked about is the custom of the folded napkin. She tells how in Jewish or Hebrew life it was customary for the servant to lay a folded napkin at the table for the Master. The servant would stand out of the way but still pay attention to the needs of the Master. If the Master would get up from the table and crumble his napkin that meant he was finished...BUT if he folded the napkin neatly, it meant he was coming back. The cloth that covered Jesus' face when he was placed in the tomb was neatly folded when the women went back to find the tomb empty. John 20:7 ...as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus' head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen. The cloth was folded to say, "I am coming back." He is coming back! When he does I will no longer imagine what the music sounds like in Heaven, I will join with the angels singing, Holy Holy Holy!!

The evening was wonderful. I won't mention names but one child did say, "I am so so sorry that I said I did not want to come."

Why I Love Boys

If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to {laugh at him} help him up! Ecclesiastes 4:10 {humor added by me}

Whiter than Snow

It was almost 80 degrees here today. We have been outside all weekend, lovin' the spring-like weather. It is hard to believe that last Sunday the kids were so excited to see big white fluffy flakes falling from the sky. Last Sunday we had a light snow beginning around noon. By 2:00pm we had a blanket of snow on the ground. While we were excited, we were a little reserved because Barrett was to be baptized at the church that afternoon. We received an email that they would go on with the service. Barrett's grandparents called to say they would be here for the service but had decided to not stay so they could get out of town in case the weather got worse overnight. Barrett's nervous concern over the change in plans was quickly dissolved when I told him, "I bet Brock was helping Jesus with the snow maker and sent this happy sight just for you". He just smiled and looked as if he could see Brock doing just that. So, since this was the weather we were given for the day, we decided what better weather for a baptism service!?! For Psalm 51:7 says...."wash me and I will be whiter than snow." While Drew and the boys made chili, cornbread and brownies, I put away my planned center piece for the table. (We were having some friends and family back to our house for dinner afterwards.) I pulled out the snowball candle. I laid the snowflake cloth on the table. I typed up Psalm 51:7 on paper. I cut around the edges with those craft scissors to make it look like a snowball and placed it on each side of the candle. Needless to say, we embraced the snow.

Barrett accepted Christ in October 2007. He and Mason were alone in their room. He told Mason of his desire to invite Jesus into his heart. Mason led him in a prayer to ask Jesus to come into his heart. The timing of Barrett's decision was another gift from the Lord because when Brock died in January 2008, we were able to talk with Barrett as a Christian.

We follow Christ's example in baptism by immersion. "At that time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordon. As Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a dove. And a voice came from heaven: "You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased." Mark 1:9 The physical act of baptism represents what Christ did on the cross for us; hanging on the cross...being in the baptismal water, dying and being buried....going under the water, and rising to live again in Heaven....coming up out of the water walking in a newness of life. Even though Barrett had shared his decision with us and his family, he was ready to tell others that he was a follower of Christ. I pray he is always ready to tell others about Jesus. "But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect." 1 Peter 3:15

Our church has a program for children where they take them through a few classes to make sure they clearly understand when they accepted Christ into their lives and why they are getting baptized. It is called Footsteps. The class concludes with a baptism service. Drew's Dad, Dr. Asa Meadows is a retired Senior Pastor. He baptized our older two boys, so we were thrilled he could be here to baptize Barrett. As Barrett stepped into the baptismal waters, they played this precious video testimony of him.

It was a glorious day with perfect weather to remind us symbolically of what Jesus did with our sins on the cross.

"Come now, let us reason together", says the Lord,"Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;" Isaiah 1:18

The day Brock Came

Thank you so much for your prayers, thoughts, cards, hugs, emails and pictures. They were precious reminders from the Lord of how much He cares for us.

Our day was up and down. I must have asked the Lord a thousand times why couldn't Brock just be here for us to celebrate him here. I longed several times for God to just come and take us all to Heaven so that we could all be together. Thinking of Brock turning 4 was not comforting. Mason said that thought made him feel like Brock was becoming someone he did not know. We assured him that when he finally sees Brock again, he will fully know him. Oh Lord, this journey is so hard. Thank You we have You to cling to.

So, we tried to focus our celebration on the day Brock came into our lives. God was so sweet to bring us great memories all day long. Our day was sprinkled with joy as we received pictures of your balloon releases. We went to the grave side as a family around 2:30 and lost track of time. It was a time of tears and laughs as we watched our balloons dodge the tree limbs as they tip-toed into the crystal blue, cloudless sky. We each talked about our favorite thing we liked about Brock.

Here's what we said, Barrett...."He was my friend and was always there to play with", Mason..."there was always life and noise when Brock was around, there was never a dull moment, he brought so much happiness to our lives, I also liked the way he touched so many lives in his short life, more than I have touched in all my life," Asa..."It was a privilege to be his big brother because everybody thought he was so cute, I liked his crooked teeth when he smiled", Drew...."I liked his laugh and smile and the way he would run, his energy, his cadence", Me...."I liked his rough little voice, his own language and his hugs that wrapped around my neck and his head on my shoulder."

We sang Happy Birthday and God our Father (we thank you-for our little Brockie). Then, we let our balloons go. This made us laugh and cry.

The moon was already out. We watched Asa's balloon until it seemed as if it were higher than the moon. We imagined a closet full of balloons where Jesus keeps all the balloons for the children. Asa said he found himself imagining Brock on a play ground and Jesus giving him a balloon and then Brock getting to share all the others that were released with all the other children in Heaven. We don't know if there are balloons in Heaven, but we do know that it is far better than we could even imagine or hope.

We ended our time with each of us praying and thanking God for the gift of Brock in our life.
On our way home I thought...what a beautiful sky the Lord painted for us to release balloons into. Then when we arrived home and received all your photos on the computer, we were so overwhelmed. They are beautiful. Such a kiss from the Lord. I am going to try really hard tomorrow to get them up. If you haven't yet sent yours, you can still do so. I'll just add them as they come in. God used this little idea to bless us in huge ways. Again, more than we could have even imagined.

We thank you. Once again you allowed the Lord to use you to help us through a really sad, bittersweet day. God Bless you. We love you.

When we finished our time praying at the cemetery, Barrett said, "Mama, while you were praying I lifted my head up and looked at the sky and I saw Jesus holding Brock's hand and leading him. "

We all were speechless. Jesus loves the little children.

Unexpected Guests

You may remember that we received this bird feeder on Day Four of our "12 Days of Christmas". The tag attached read "For Calling Birds." We have so enjoyed seeing the birds come to feed. It was helpful when Mason had to keep a bird log for his Animal Science. Barrett has made it his job to remind his Daddy when they need to refill it with food. Asa has done a good job restraining from 'picking off' the little birdies with his BB gun. Yes, our old Copper Bird Feeder had a few BB dings that made their way in the side of it four years ago. Oh, it takes great restraint when you are born with that outdoor hunting gene yet live in the middle of the suburbs! My Grandmother B. used to say it was 'just born' in her boys. I didn't understand but now I do.

Well, yesterday afternoon, I yelled for Asa to get his shotgun...I mean his video camera. I was getting off the treadmill (first time in almost two weeks so that is important to mention) when I looked outside the basement window that is below the bird feeder. At first I thought, "Oh there are the geese from the lake in the neighborhood down the hill." Then as I looked again I noticed they weren't geese but TURKEYS! And there were 7 of them! This may not be a surprise to those of you who live in the country. But folks, we live in a highly populated area of Metro Atlanta. Our home does sit on some acreage and we have seen some creatures other than your regular squirrels and chipmunks like deer, foxes and hawks but never Seven Turkeys!!. Our chocolate lab Dakota was even out in the front yard.

Asa's commentary on his video is, "There are seven turkeys outside our basement window. Oh my gosh, I am shaking." The birds hung around for about thirty minutes. We got some up close viewing time. We called Daddy Curt on the phone and described the turkeys to him. He informed us they were all males or young 'jakes.'

I have to admit while I sat there and watched them feed I thought about the story in the Bible where God sends His chosen people, the Israelites, manna and quail from heaven. As told in the book of Exodus 16, the story takes place as they have been led by Moses out of captivity in Egypt into the wilderness. God provided for their every need, every day. They are hot, tired, hungry and begin to grumble. They forget all that God has done for them; the way He has led them and protected them. But God in His goodness provides food for them by sending manna and quail from Heaven. I know quail are a little smaller than turkeys but hey, God can send turkeys. I thought 7 turkeys would surely supply us some meat to eat for a month or two. I have been trying to save on my grocery bill. In this economy, I was real tempted to let Asa take a shot!

The event did provide some excitement to our day. It reminded me you never know what lies ahead especially when you are in the "wilderness."

I have found myself in some sort of "wilderness" the past two weeks. I am still asking the Lord to search me and reveal what it is and when He does I'll be able to put my finger on it. Until then I think it is just a combination of everything. It has been very emotional coming off the year anniversary of Brock's death. I was so glad we made it through January without anyone being sick. However February has found us a little yucky; our emotions and our physical bodies. I had the cold thing the first week. Then last week I took Asa into the Doctor's office with a fever and headache. Our precious doctor, Dr.Bob Smith explained that January this year was very slow and that they have been seeing so many viruses, including flu again this month. I just started to cry. I secretly had hoped we had made it through this year's season without being sick. Turns out Asa did not have the flu but did have strep.

Well, today Mason woke up with a fever. I know in my head not to fear and that we are not exempt from sicknesses for the rest of our life. Believe me, I have asked God if that were possible. Yet something in my stomach tightens when I feel their forehead hot with fever and they are achy all over like the flu. I speak words of encouragement and assurance to them while asking the Lord to help me believe the words I am saying.

This morning while I was getting ready, I was having a conversation with the Lord ( I was a little grumpy) in explaining that this was not what I had hoped for my day today. For some strange reason He reminded me of the Turkeys from yesterday. I didn't know they were part of my day yesterday. How come we easily accept the good but see the bad as an inconvenience? You see even though the turkeys were not my "manna and quail" for the table they served as my manna from the Lord. They reminded me that God is with me providing all I need. They reminded me that my life is His, and I have asked Him to show me what He has for me each day. They remind me that He knows what my day holds. They reminded me of how much He has done for me. Oh Lord let me never forget:

When times are good, be happy but when times are bad consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore a man can not discover anything about his future." Ecc 7:14

All of it serves for my refinement if I will let it. Thank you Lord!

You Didn't Tell Me About This

A funny little story about Barrett:

About a month ago we took him into the Dr.'s office for a sore on his head. The doctors thought it was ringworm. They said you can get it from cats. We don't have a cat. I then began thinking a funny thought of what woman, that owns a cat, had touched Barrett's hair? Everyone finds his curly blonde head hard to not touch. Anyway, it turned out not to be ringworm once the labs came back.

But, while we were there the nurse informed me that Barrett had not had a well checkup since he was 3. You can imagine what kind of self talk I had to do to fight off the bad mom complex. He has been to the Dr since he was 3, just not for the official "well checkup". So this meant that he was behind on his vaccinations. Since we homeschool, we don't have to turn in a vaccination report for school. So, I guess that is where it fell under the radar.

I made the appointment.

When the day came, Mason, being a good big brother said, "Hey Barrett, you're gonna get a shot today." Barrett said "No." The argument continued until they found me. I had not yet told Barrett because I thought that would just be something I would tell him on the way there or maybe even in the exam room. I thought...no need for him to stress about it for too long.

Barrett looked up at me and said, "Mason said I am going to get a shot, ....am I?!" I told him yes, it was true, but it was nothing to worry about as it would only hurt like this - and I pinched his arm a little. He took a deep breath and rolled his eyes up at me and Mason and said, "That's not gonna hurt."

Off we go to the appointment. We are called for our turn to be seen. The nurse did all her things and as she is leaving she says, "Take off your clothes leaving on just your underwear. The Doctor will be in shortly."

Barrett just sat there with a funny look on his face.

I said, "Barrett just take your pants off and then you can slip your shirt off when the Dr. comes in the room. That way you won't get cold."

He looked at me with his hands held tightly to the top of his pants and shook his head "No."

I said, "Barrett you have to take your clothes off. Everybody does it."

He said, "Well then we have to go home."

I chuckled and said "We can't go home. What is it?"

He said with even more urgency, "We have to go home....I have on dinosaurs."

I'm not sure why dinosaur underwear was embarrassing.... but it was to him!?!

Mason and I are both trying hard not to fall to the floor laughing.

I walked in front of him as he sat with his legs dangling off the exam table and his back slouched against the wall, I put my hands on his legs and softly said, "Barrett they don't care about that. Don't worry, take your pants off now."

He leaned forward looking me straight in the eyes with the most serious tone and said,
"You didn't tell me about this."

Oh my, it makes me laugh again just thinking about it. ......So Funny!

After that day, his words "you didn't tell me about this" kept playing over and over in my mind. Don't you love when God uses the words right out of the mouth of babes to speak to you? You see, since Halloween, I have been saying those same words to the Lord. Halloween seemed to put me on the "Holiday train." All Aboard, hang on, here we go!! As everyone has warned, the first holidays will be so hard, I have dreaded them. However, I have found up to now, usually my anticipation of the holidays are way worse than the actual days have been. This is because as I have learned, I can't predict the way the Holy Spirit will comfort me on that day or give me grace for that moment.

I miss Brockie deeply everyday.

Holidays seem to serve as markers that time is marching on since I last held Brock. The emotions on those days are intensified. As I was trying to figure out just what it was about the Holidays, a friend reminded me that they are just days that we remember. You probably don't remember what you were doing 2 or 3 days before Thanksgiving last year, but you remember Thanksgiving Day. That is so true.

This journey since Brock died has been a day by day or moment by moment living. However after Halloween, I forgot all that and looked ahead. Until now each time I would think of the Holidays, God would remind me, Not today...that is not for today. But on November 1st, in my fleshy spirit, when I walked into Wal-Mart and the Christmas decorations were up... I did it.

I looked ahead.

This is the time of year that everyone is looking ahead, why not me?

I began to say to the Lord, "This is too hard. You have the wrong person. This is more than I can bear even with You."

I found myself overcome with grief but not the same grief...it had a new feel. I could not quite identify why it was different, but it was. I began struggling with anxiety. My physical health began to manifest all these feelings. As I was continuing to ask the Lord to show me what it was, He was faithful!

I did not realize that I had taken my focus off the day by day living that He calls us to. First He showed me that I had to back up and focus on today. Because I was struggling with my mind, I looked to Scripture to tell me what to think on. Philippians 4:8-9 says, "Finally brothers, whatever is true...whatever is right...think about such things."

What was true was that I could not think about the holidays - now through January 2009 - and begin to imagine how God would come through. Tomorrow is not true; when we think about tomorrow, we tend to leave God out. We either think nothing of Him there or we think too little of Him. His ways are not our ways; His thoughts are not our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8). I can't predict what way He will show Himself when that day comes.

Still, I kept finding myself saying Barrett's words of, "You didn't tell be about this!" You didn't tell me that the pit in my stomach, that was so strong the days and weeks just after Brock died, would return. You didn't tell me that every store I enter would bring an ache in my heart so strong I could feel it in my chest. "Christmas" is for kids. Every advertisement seems to taunt me that one of my kids are not here.

As I cried out to the Lord, I never doubted He was there, yet things were very still. He held me close as He was patient for me to sort through my feelings as I told Him every one. Somehow in His mysterious ways, He knows my fears and anxieties, yet He knows it is good for me to give them to Him.

One day as I was saying those words of Barrett's again in my head, He reminded me that was the same place in my spirit that I was in on the night Brock died. My spirit so strongly did not want to do this. I remember thinking, "Lord, ask me to do anything, but don't ask me to do this. Not my precious son Brock!"

On the night Brock died, my sweet college friend Wynn called from California. She had already walked through losing her Mom as a young woman. She said, "Nita, I know it hurts, but you have to go through it."

After we hung up, I told the Lord, "Ok, if I have to do this, then please lead me ever so gently straight through this, not letting me step to one side or the other to ease my hurt on anything but You." I asked Him to use every ounce of the hurt in my life, Drew's and the kids' for His Glory.

I wept at the Lord's feet as I realized that I was stiff-arming the Holidays. I think I thought that I would not have to go through the Holidays. I'm not sure if I was hoping Brock would be back or that Jesus would come again. Either way, I hoped I wouldn't have to do this. Instead of letting the reality of my situation sink in slowly, I had let some bitterness take root. I was thinking, "I don't want to do this...

I don't want to miss dressing up that cute little one in a costume. I don't want to give Thanks on a year that feels so wrong. I don't want to make out a Christmas list for only three children. I don't want to ring in a new year.....I want to do this one over!" Gee, as I write this, I see again how ugly my flesh is.

But that is truth.

Once the Lord led me to the place that I could see it, I began to identify it and give it to Him.

So once again in my chair on that morning, I told the Lord. "I don't want to do this, but if I have to, I ask you again Lord to lead me ever so gently straight through these Holidays, not letting me step to one side or the other. Help me to trust You as You have been so good. Help me to have eyes wide open to see your goodness"

That same day, I received a card from a friend that said she was praying the we would be "overwhelmed by God's goodness this Holiday season." God is good, and I will give thanks that He is leading me by His righteous right hand . I am sure that at the end of these Holidays as I reflect on His Goodness, I will once again say to the Lord in a different way, "You didn't tell me about this."

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10