Well, my kids officially finished school today! Summer is here. I am so excited. Since we homeschool, and I have learned from the past, they will do some review work over the summer to keep their skills up.
April was extremely busy again. In the days and months after Brock's death, I was completely "out of it". Friends took care of many of my responsibilities as it seemed all I could do was take care of myself and my kids. Since then, as I have eased back into life, I feel myself being resistant to letting myself move at such a fast pace again. I find that it interferes with my listening and looking for my Lord. My mind gets filled with so many distractions that it is sometimes hard to "still" it like I would like. It also interferes with my time to fellowship with friends. It seems our conversations turn to "Hey, how are you?" and "Gotta go." Sometimes we do it to ourselves, but Drew and I are much more aware that we control how fast our family runs. Slowing down is a decision. All that to say, I am glad May is here with some time to slow down.
Last week we went to the Baby Doctor for the first time. I am changing doctors. My GYN does not deliver babies anymore, so I have been asking around for a new doctor. We have prayed about this doctor. With all of our emotions, we wanted one that was professional yet sensitive to our story and the emotions that have already come. I prayed that I would know right away if this doctor was the one God was preparing for us. After we met with the nurse, we met with Dr. H. in his office. The first thing he said after looking at my paperwork was, with a knowing smile, "Tell me about this little one you have in Heaven."
When we went back to the exam room, he reminded me that he might not be able to pick up the baby's heartbeat with the doppler, because at 12 weeks, it might be too early. For those of you that haven't had babies in many years, the doppler is like a microphone that they put some gel on and they rub it on your belly to hear the heartbeat. It is like a sonogram but without the picture, just the sound. About the time he started to put in on my belly, the nurse began talking to Drew about some paperwork. The instant he put it there, our child's heartbeat rushed over the speaker! No searching necessary! I started to cry. Then I realized that Drew was still talking and not listening. I said to the Dr., "I don't think he is listening." He said, "Yeah, just a miracle going on over here, and he's not listening." We got Drew's attention. Then we both began to cry. As the nurse handed me a tissue, for some reason I said, "I'm sorry." Dr H said, "Don't apologize, my wife says that when I stop crying is when I should quit this business." He said, "I cry at deliveries. I will cry at yours." As we finished our visit and started to leave, Dr H. said, "I have to think there is someone in Heaven smiling down on this right now."
I cried all the way home as I was so overwhelmed at the Lord's goodness. I asked Him to make it clear to us one way or the other about this doctor. In His usual manner, He blessed me beyond my imagination. Y'all, he is sooooo into details, big and small! I love the way He is writing the story of my life. This visit was on Friday. It was the perfect start to my Mother's Day weekend.
You see, the afternoon Brock died, we were in the Emergency Room glaring a hole in the heart monitor, so desperate to see a heartbeat...yet there was none. I think it is so precious the Lord chose to give me a new heartbeat for this Mother's Day. Thank you Lord for this wonderful gift.