Friday, September 11, 2009

Still here...

Hey y'all! I have been thinking and praying for you a bunch. I am so sorry I have not written lately. I could give you a long list of excuses but basically life has been moving at warp speed. I am still trying to sort out many things like my wide range of emotions. Matter of fact, I have several posts already typed and in my mind BUT I am just not ready to hit the "publish" button yet.

I have not forgotten about my blog or you sweet people who check in with us here. God has used many of you also during my time of "little writing" this summer to encourage me to keep going. While I am full of emotions still in the second year of our grief (and being pregnant on top of that!) God has been teaching me many things about myself and Him. I find it hard to write about these things until I feel I have sorted through them.

As I was asking God where to serve this fall, He made it very clear that one was "in my home" and the other was "this blog." So I will be here sharing what God is doing as I run to Him.

Updates from our "Living Hard"

The question of casual conversation these days seems to be, " Did you have a good summer?" Our summer was great with a mix of fast and slow. With the poor economy, we knew we were not able to take a vacation like we did last year, so I got a crazy idea to write out our blessings on one of our interior glass doors. I thought as we walked by them daily it would remind us each time to give thanks. I also hoped it would minimize our whining. I bought some Crayola Glass Markers and wrote at the top of the door, "Summer Fun." I left the markers close by and asked the boys to write things they were thankful for that they got to do this summer.

Some of the things that made the lists were:

White Water Passes - Bought with $ Grandparents gave them for good grades.

Playing Uno on the back porch after dinner.

Travel Baseball Tournaments.

'Man Hunt' at friends' homes.

Growing a Garden.

Beach Trip - Mason was invited for a week to the beach with a friend - What a blessing!

Playing Golf with Daddy and Daddy Curt as Caddies.

Chasing down the ice cream man.

Sleep Overs.

Picking Melons from the field.

Selling watermelons.

It worked! We had a blessed summer indeed, and we relived each joy as we would see them on the door. We enjoyed our exercise in thankfulness so much that I may have to put up "Fall Blessings" as we anticipate more wonderful blessings.

We officially started school three weeks ago. We are off to a good start! The two bigger boys go out for classes two days a week. They are at home for three days. Barrett is at home with me doing 2nd grade. For those interested, we are using Sonlight's Year 2 Curriculum, studying the the fall of Rome to the present.

We did have several painful goodbyes this summer that happened around the same week. Our sweet 16- year old dog, Josie, died. After you have had a child die, the death of a pet is completely in perspective. However, Josie had been around for so long. It was sad thinking of all the life that had passed with her around. She was a great dog that we got from the Humane Society. I have pictures of her with each of the boys. The boys even joked that she may just stick around for the new baby.

Another tearful hug goodbye came when our house cleaner told me she had to go back to Brazil to look after her sick father. She was here the afternoon Brock died; she stood over me and wailed and prayed in Portuguese. We also stood tearfully at the grave of one of Mason's baseball coaches who, at only 39, died suddenly, leaving behind his wife and two young boys. The sadness over these things seemed to do just like grief digs up other unresolved grief emotions. Or, maybe it is the change of "seasons" as that always seems to send me sailing on the waves of grief.

Yes, just like before, the change of seasons seems to have taken me under a bit. I am not sure if it is that as soon as I get used to surviving one season, then another one comes. The new season brings reminders of all the things we did when Brock was here during that time of year. These reminders bring up that deep hurt, more than just the ones I live with daily. Or... is it that as I went down the list of things that the boys needed for school, I felt like there should be one more list to think of? Or... perhaps it is that as everything is changing, I feel as if my hurt and ache are still there somewhat unchanged by the passage of time yet moved on by the days of the calendar. Either way it is what it is ....grief. Some days I sit in it, some days I stand and other days I walk, but everyday I give it to Jesus and ask Him to hold me as I Love Hard on those I still have days on earth with. I ask him to fill me with Hope for the days I will spend with Him in eternity.

Oh, it feels good to be back here with you! Thanks for all your prayers and support. I will post again soon. I promise...


Henley on the Horn said...

Welcome back, Nita! We have missed you. It sounds like you had a wonderful summer. Your range of emotions and grief are expected. God is with you and as you know, He is carrying you.

{ jamie } said...

Still praying for you. So sad about your sweet Josie, too (you know I love dogs!). I LOVE that idea of writing the blessings on the door. I'll have to figure out how we can do that without a glass door. :-)

Paige Stanfield said...

I'm glad to hear from you - I check in every few days but did not want to seem like I was stalking you guys. :-) I had been thinking about you especially since football season started. So sorry to hear about the sad times -I remember Josie and how she ate a slug when she was little. Big hugs to all of you.

Kristen Shepard said...

I think of you so often and am glad to read your recent blogs. I pray your pregnancy is going well and that God will work through this new life to help heal your hearts. And, again, I thank you for being obedient to God in continuing this journey on the web with us.
God bless!!

Amy said...

It's nice to have you back. As always, you inspire me!

Anonymous said...

I am new to your blog. I have many heartaches also. I know God knows where we are. Did you ever get anyone to quilt for you (Brocks clothes). I did the same thing with my husbands clothes. He died at 33 with a heart attack. I did not get to tell him bye. We had two children, Jason, 12 and Lisa, 10. I just could not get rid of his clothes and one day about 8 yrs after he died I started on them a quilt. My son's 4 yr old daughter sleeps with his every night. If you would like to talk with me email me your number. my email is

I pray God continues to bless you and your family. Barbara Bass