Friday, December 26, 2008

A tear down his cheek

Thank you for your prayers. We felt them. From early morning messages to an email received just before going to bed, God used His people once again to cover us. We felt His presence all day long. I found myself on Christmas morning not focusing on Jesus and His birth but on God, His Heavenly Father. Earlier in December when we attended our church's Christmas memorial service for Brock, our pastor, Bryant Wright, spoke on a passage from Philippians 2:5. The passage meant so much to me. In a service that was so difficult .....why was I sitting in a memorial service.....the words spoke to me. I always love when I see scripture I've read before in a new way. Then this morning in my quiet time that passage was one of the ones I read.
"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing taking the very nature of a servant being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!"

I have wanted to share this before but hesitated because I was afraid to confuse anyone with my words. I've asked the Holy Spirit to cover anything that might be confusing. After Brock died many people would say to me, God knows what it is like to lose a son. My mind immediately went to the crucifixion. In a selfish way, I would think to myself, "Yeah, but when Jesus died, God got him 'back'." As with everything, there are two ways to look at things. My heart was not ready to receive it I guess, but I didn't look at it any other way until that night at the memorial service. As the verse alludes to Jesus leaving his throne in Glory and humbling himself to nothing - a baby that came for me so that I could see my baby again one day. That is when God "lost" his son. He let Him go to earth to be a baby knowing what was ahead for him. As I woke up sad and missing Brock this Christmas morning, I wondered if on that first Christmas morning, that God had a tear roll down His cheek as he watched Jesus lay down His crown and humble himself as a helpless infant? Yes, God indeed knows exactly what it's like to "lose" a son!

As we opened presents, our kids were so grateful. I knew it was because they understood gifts don't make you happy. Yet their excitement and happiness over such little things warmed my heart. I found myself a bit numb all day long. I felt for sure that I was being carried by all your prayers and petitions to the Lord. I found myself saying, "I should be happier than this...it's Christmas! But on the other hand, I should be sadder than this since it is our first Christmas without Brock." Somewhere in the middle is where I found myself. Thank you Lord for carrying me to the other side. There is somewhat of a relief that the anticipation of the hurt from Christmas Day is over.

My niece Krissie and her husband Chris have two precious boys. Brecken, their oldest, is 2. We were with them for Christmas. My boys loved playing with Brecken. They could not wait to get their hands on him. They smothered him with hugs, kisses and rough and tumble play. It made us all think about Brock in such a bittersweet way. Before bed we were talking about how it felt to be around Brecken. Mason said, "It felt good....but, for a little bit I just pretended it was Brock." I told him me too as tears rolled down all our cheeks. Perhaps pretending was one of our favorite gifts this Christmas.
Thank you for loving and praying for us.

5 comments:

Rhonda Sumsky said...

Nita,
Again I am just in awe of how beautifully you write!! You have a precious gift and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for answering God's call to share that gift. I have tears streaming down my face as I respond to your touching story about your boys and playing with Brecken. There are so many times when I see Caden doing something that I often think of you and Brock. Your Blog I know has been a comfort to you in your healing, but I want you to know that it is also helping me when I feel sad and think of the loss your family has experienced. Thanks again for your openness!! I'll call you this week to see if Barrett wants to come over to play with Caleb!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Nita

I am a old school friend of Meade's. I grew up at JFBC and I remember that memorial service for those who had lost loved ones. I lost my 19 month old son almost 3 years ago. It has changed the course of my life drastically. Like one of your boys, my son's name was Mason. He drowned in a small pond in my sister's back yard while I was at work. Through all my grief, I am learning a lot about myself. Stay strong and hold on to those memories, especially for your other boys. They will need you to keep him alive every day for them in their hearts. Many blessings for a peaceful 2009, Emily Christianson

Anonymous said...

Hey Nita. It's New Year's Eve and I am praying for you. I'm praying that God will continue to amaze you in 2009. I love you all.

Paige S.

Henley on the Horn said...

Nita and Drew,
Is is just 30 minutes before 2009. You are always on my heart and in my prayers. Doug & I are praying that 2009 will be a year of great blessing, and that you will have the strength that only God can give to get you through the next 31 days. We love you,
Ann Henley & Doug

Anonymous said...

Hey Nita - I hope that you had a good day today and that you have a good night's sleep tonight!

Paige S.