A year of Bittersweet

Happy New Year everyone! I must admit that I like so much to cross off things from a To Do list that I sometimes will write something on my list that I have done just so I can cross it off. Well, in that vain, I resolved to learn to cut hair in 2009...Check/Done. Every time I pay money for someone to cut my boys' hair, I always think, "I could do that!" I don't know why. I respect the ability of those who have studied to cut hair; I just felt like it was something I could do myself. Tonight when we were in Target, the Wahl Hair Trimmers were on sale. Much to the boys disdain, I bought one. So excited to see if I could do it, I chased my strong teenager, Asa, around the house and then made him sit to be my first guinea pig. Then came Mason. And yes, I then cut Barrett's curls with the scissors. Asa almost cried, but then they all decided I had done a pretty good job. Gee, if all resolutions could be that easy.

I am not really a resolution person. However I usually do lots of reflection on the past year and think (not write down) of things I would like to improve or areas I would like to grow in the next year. I have thought all week long on 2008. What do I feel about such a year? The hope of a new start swept over me several times, and then a big knot would form in my throat. I remember last year the hope that Drew and I felt just three weeks before Brock died. We said to one another we felt we were turning a corner for the better. We had more hope. Brock was becoming a "big boy" moving out of a crib and out of diapers. Drew's insurance business that he was starting with his brother looked like it was about to finally happen. As fear began to take over, the knot got bigger as I thought, "Look what happened when I thought things were good!" Recognizing that 2008 will not be a year that will be" forgot," I began thinking how do I say goodbye to 2008 and welcome 2009?

2008.

It rang in to Brock sleeping in his big boy bed for the first time. He learned to potty train. The boys were readying him for the Polar Bear Run - a race at our church. There was really a lot of focus on him at the beginning of the year. All of us were so enamored with how cute he was! He would stand on the kitchen counter; when told to get down, he would say, "I Soopaman mommie!" Life was soopa, and we were living it hard. 2008 will be forever known as the year I last held my Brockie, rocked him, kissed him and heard him say, "I luv ju mommie."

2008 was the year he was here.

How can I say goodbye to it? So often my soul would cry out, "If only I could go back to the beginning of 2008 and start over!"

2008 will also be the year that forever comes after the dash of Brock's years. A date I will write and say more than many others. A year that represents the deepest hurt in my heart. A year that seemed as if time stood still. A year that seems as if it was only filled with a yesterday and today.

2008.

It was also the year that my baby met Jesus face to face. He now knows more than any story I ever read to him. It was a year that, in my brokenness, I found just how near God is. A year where I felt as if I could literally reach out and touch the Lord. A year in which I saw Him be everything He ever promised He would be. A year in which He showed me He cared about every detail of my life and has done so since the day I was formed. A year in which His Sovereignty covered every question in my heart. A year of learning He was in control, and I was not. A year in which He used so many people to be His hands, feet and voice.

2008...a year of bittersweet.

Now 2009 is here.

As I know from my experience on this journey, looking ahead is not for me anymore. I meet the year with a never before longing for Heaven. I will walk it just as I have 2008, one day or rather moment at a time with the Lord leading me with His righteous right hand. I know that I can't expect it to be trouble free for Jesus says in John 16:33, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." I don't know what else He will ask of me, but I know I can Trust Him even in the darkest of times. I wait to see the plans He has for me unfold. I wait for Him to do a work with all this hurt that I have given to Him.

Lord, for 2009, please keep my eyes wide open to see and feel you shaping my life.