Pages of Tears

This week I have felt like I have been over and over the events of this time last year. The memories have been so intense and vivid lately. While the 31st is not until Saturday this year, it fell on a Thursday last year. (For those of you wondering why it skipped two days, it is because last year was Leap Year) Today felt a lot like the end of the year in so many strong ways. I found myself walking through the day constantly thinking of that Thursday.

This afternoon at 4:00 as I went into Brock's room I opened his closet to return his Polar Bear Run number. I just stood there frozen in my emotion. I first noticed his little plaid flannel shirt he was wearing in the pumpkin picture. As I lifted it up and smelled it, I was there, I was with him. What is it with us Mama's that we can remember the place and time when we see the clothes? It made me want to pick up every piece of clothing in his closet, wishing the memories would flood over me.

Sitting down in the rocking chair I opened my journal. Have I told you before I don't really like change? I don't like saying goodbye either. It always makes me cry. Well, as I opened my journal I found myself on the last three pages. I remembered that on Wednesday, January 30, 2008, the day before Brock died, I started a new journal that I planned to call my 'podcast journal.' I would record the things I learned from the podcast I had on my new iPod. That Wednesday I listened to a Podcast of Nancy Leigh DeMoss on 'God is in Control.' She opened the cast with this: God is the one who opens the womb. God is the one who closes the womb. If you have children, it’s because God gave you children. God determines our lifespan. Our days are counted by Him. He numbers our days. He decides how many breaths we will have. That is in God’s sovereign control, and He does as He wills for His good pleasure.
After listening, I wrote in my own words..."with such a God like that - why do we worry?" The day after Brock died, I picked up that journal and I have been journaling everyday, pouring out my pain to the Lord. So today I am at the end of my fourth journal.

January 29, 2009's entry began with telling the Lord that I wished the end of this year meant the end of my having to be without Brock. Knowing Brock will not return, I prayed for the Lord to come soon so that I could go to him. (2 Samuel 12 :23) I then began thanking the Lord for the way He has walked with me or rather carried me this year. He has been my life, my days , my moments. He has been everything He ever promised He would be and way more. He has been all I've ever read about him. He is worthy of my Trust.

In thanking Him, I turned to Brock's precious life. I was reminded of Drew's words. The other night we watched some video from the first days of 2008. Brock slept in his big boy bed for the first time. I videoed him telling me about his new bed. We were all in the room and were so enamored with him. I then videod his bed time routine as Drew and Mason lay in the bed with him and read a book. Maybe one day I'll show you that video, but for now it is still too tender. After seeing the video for the first time, Drew said, Brock was even more precious than I remembered. Recognizing that absence sometime makes things better than they really were, it was incredibly overwhelming to watch the video and say life was even more precious than we remembered. Oh Lord, help us to see THAT in our everyday lives still.

I thanked the Lord for the gifts He's given me through Brock's life and death. The way he laughed reminds me to take things lightly and laugh more. His big hugs remind me to give hugs while I can. His "I SoopaMan, Mommie!" reminds me I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). And in his death, he has given me the gift of expressing myself in words. I would never consider myself a writer. I can remember crying in college over needing help from my parents to get a paper started. From the pain, God has birthed this gift. Thank you Lord! Thank you Brockie, you are still blessing my life!

Okay...now I am crying, which brings me to my next goodbye. A precious prayer warrior couple at our church, Larry and Jan Tilton, gave me a Tear Bottle just after Brock died. The history of these bottles is found as early as David in Psalm 56:8. They have history in ancient Rome during Jesus' time, during the Victorian Era and in this country during the civil war. I have used the bottle each Thursday in Brock's room. I typically catch one or two tears at the beginning of my time. I let the rest fall on the pages of my journal. Well, you guessed it, the bottle became full today. This is what the LORD, the God of your father David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you.” (II Kings 20:5)

Throughout history the bottles have been stopped with a cork to allow for evaporation, signifying the end of grieving. Then in the civil war, young widows would pour their tears over their beloved. While I think all those are precious, I plan on just keeping the bottle on the shelf with my tears in there. They will remind me of how precious they are to the Lord and that one day there will be a day when He himself wipes the tears from my eyes. “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Revelation 21:4) My grief for Brock and the missing him will go on past the 31st, so this is not the end of my journaling or my tears, but these were enough goodbyes for today.

Honestly it is so precious to me that both of these things came to an end on this day. These pages and these tears remind me that God has been in my darkest hour of pain. The words have been recorded and the tears caught. It is with a song of joy that I praise Him for being in the details of my life. “Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.” (Psalm 126:5)