Rainy Days! Several of you have seen me out and told me you were praying for me. Thanks. Why do my emotions seem to darken with the sky? I have struggled with this all through this journey since Brock died. Some days I am hard on myself as I think, "Am I not trusting in the Lord because even though it is dreary outside, I know He is still a beam of Light in my life?" He does not darken or hide like the sun. He is the same. Thank goodness He is God and I am not. Thank goodness He does not change with my emotions. Yet when I get to feeling this way, He draws me close and shelters me under His wings. Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. He reminds me that the ache in my heart is because I did what is the very nature of His being...I loved. I loved that little life He brought my way for almost 3 years. I loved taking care of him. I loved everything about his frame and every quirky thing about his big personality. I loved being his Mommy when people would watch him for a moment and then with no words, only knowing glances, tell me, "you've got your hands full." I loved. As with anytime you love, the risk is great for heartache.
I have often described my feelings in grief as that some days I think of Brock, some days I remember Brock and other days I miss Brock. They can all come at once or some stronger on different days or all on the same day at different times. When I think of him, I find myself thinking, "Oh, he would love this!" I think what would he be doing if he were here? I think of life with him still around. I think of what he would like and catch myself considering it as if he were here. When I remember Brock, I remember the sweet memories of his time with us. I remember funny expressions he would say. I remember cute things he would do. I remember how he loved to rock and read. I remember what he felt like in my arms with his head on my shoulder. I worried at first that I would not be able to remember all the things about him as I wanted to freeze time and make sure I had it all etched in my mind. And honestly, along the way, I would get so upset because I could not remember something I thought I would never forget. I know, I would have been overwhelmed to remember it all at once. The Lord has been sweet to bring "new" memories to my mind all along the way. But then there are times when I just miss Brock. The missing him is so strong that I can't think of much else. I miss being his Mommy. I miss making sure he is okay. I miss fixing his plate of food and making sure he had enough to eat. I miss sweeping his mess on the floor after every meal. I miss everything that was because of who he was. I miss the way he would brighten my day with his carefree attitude. I miss being exhausted by all his energy. I miss his cute little questions and trying to figure out what he was saying. I just miss him.
Today the rain has got me in the missing mode. I miss zipping up his little rain coat. I miss shielding him from the rain. I miss seeing his delight as he "plashed" in a puddle...on accident of course. I miss holding him close, thereby keeping us both warm from the damp air. I miss having an excuse to linger a little longer in the rocking chair as I would catch the beginning of a nap with him.
I know soon the sun will shine and I will move to thinking or remembering but for today the missing has set in.