Brock's Room

As I woke this morning I thought how the raindrops matched the puddle of tears we cried last night. Since so many of you have prayed for us concerning Brock's room, I wanted to let you know that we did get in there last night. All five of us were in the room. We worked, we cried, we worked some more and we cried some more.

We held each other close as we felt the Lord with us. I kept thinking....out of intense pain comes intense joy. I whispered "Lord, I give you my pain, please redeem it for your glory." Many times I was unable to do anything but just stand there and look at the memories hanging on hangers. There was the little cast from Brock's broken arm, the first Halloween costume, the diaper bag with his name monogrammed, his first pair of shoes and then there was the bag that I asked Drew to wait for a few minutes before he picked it up.

The pain was intense. The cries came from deep aching places in our hearts. They came hard and fast, just like the flood waters we've experienced lately. As our hands touched each belonging of Brock's, one of us would chime in to say what it reminded us of. Then Drew opened the bag with the funeral home logo on the front. He literally gasped. I knew what was in the bag, but he did not remember. In the bag were the clothes that the EMT's cut off of Brock to give him proper medical help. In one second, we were all there on that afternoon that would change our lives. Remembering he had become a man in a moment as he called his Dad on the phone to tell him something was wrong, Asa asked Drew what he did when he received that call at work. The kids and I had all been here with our different experiences, yet one in the same, but Drew was at work. He recalled to all of us his emotion as he received Asa's call. We cried some more.

The kids would play with toys and then jump up to join in a group hug as Drew and I would be overcome with grief. There were several times I wanted to scream but didn't want to remind the kids of that afternoon. Oh God, redeem my pain.

I had resolved myself that we would just not get to the room until after the baby got here. Drew encouraged me last night and said he really felt like it was something we needed to do. Looking back, I think it was a "good" thing. It allowed us as a family to get out some of the emotions that were building inside. I think it will allow us to more authentically experience the joy the Lord has in store for us. I am thankful we had the time as a family. I had always envisioned it would be me by myself with Drew's help. Once again showing me that God's plans are not my plans. He knew just what we needed.

I was reading this article on the Psalms of Lament. It pointed out how the Psalms do such an incredible job of showing us how to express our grief to God and then move toward a place of hope as we find thanksgiving, sometimes even when the crisis is still present. I know that our grief for the loss of Brock will not end tomorrow. Yet, we are praising Him for the indescribable gift of this new life. The article went on to point out that the movement from grief to joy was not just a physical or psychological process but was a "profoundly" spiritual journey. I totally agree. We have felt the Lord again so intensely lately. We have seen Him working in amazing ways. We have been blessed once again by the encouragement and prayers of His people. We know
He is holding us and moving us forward toward Joy. We praise him for what He is doing.

Experiencing this Grief along side of Joy has been very hard to describe in words. Today as two sweet friends came by the house to pray over me, Joan mentioned in her prayer that this grief with joy is exactly what the Gospel is all about. She has no idea how many times I've thought about those words throughout the day. God's son Jesus was even described as the 'man of sorrows' in the Bible. His death was cruel and brutal, especially for an innocent man. His followers were looking for a King-leader and experienced great sadness at seeing Him brutally beaten and hung on a criminal's cross. Placed in the tomb, it seemed that all was lost yet three days later there was joy as Jesus conquered death and rose from the grave. He did all this for you and for me. He did this so that we could live eternally with Him in Heaven. Grief and Joy, side by side.

Thank you for praying as we continue to remind ourselves that Jesus has given Brockie a new room....just as He said, "In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you." John 14:2