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We have been home now for a week. We are beginning to get into a little routine. Feed Lila Jane, change Lila Jane, and hold Lila Jane. She is very content. Of course, she is never put down.

My recovery is going well. I am feeling well. Friends are taking care of us by filling up our Care Calender with meals to bring. I thought I would share a few more photos.

Lila Jane came home from the hospital in the outfit that all her older brothers wore. She did wear a pink one-sie underneath, instead of a blue one, of course.

Her daddy won on this one saying that tradition was more important than fashion...we will see how long that holds!

Barrett brought Brock's "Buddy" (teddy bear) to the hospital with the passed down Big Brother shirt. Barrett had said a while back, "This would be Brock's now." Before leaving the hospital, we sat Buddy beside Lila Jane.

She was hungry and reached up and looked just like she was giving Brock's bear a kiss. Drew and I melted into a puddle of tears.

At home we have had lots of fun. She is adored by all her brothers...and especially her Daddy. In this picture, I love Drew's gray hair. It reminds me of God's great plans that we could never have imagined. I am reminded of Sarah's laugh when God told Abraham she would bear a child in her old age (See Genesis 18). I had to try hard to control my emotions the other day when I had just finished nursing and looked through the mail to find I had received a notice about needing a mammogram.


If you haven't yet heard Steven Curtis Chapman's new album, Beauty Will Rise. It is wonderful. So many people mentioned his song Heaven is the Face to us. Our friends Brad and Shannon gave us the CD. The title song Beauty will Rise is gorgeous. This picture reminds us that yes - out of our ashes, Beauty has come.


Oh, I could just eat her up!

After I took this picture, I picked Lila Jane up and just sat and rocked. I was looking at her with that new mother amazement that she was "ours." My heart was so full. Then before I could stop them, tears were streaming down my cheek. So close to my joy over Lila Jane came grief over Brock. I long to see his reaction over Lila Jane. I was overwhelmed with wishing they both could be here with me. I gently heard the Lord whisper, "One day, they will be, one day!"

Oh God. Hold me close til then.

Joy

This day is holy to our Lord. Do not sorrow for the joy of the Lord is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

We are claiming this verse for the day. Thank you for joining us in prayer.

Nita, Drew and the boys

Brock's Room

As I woke this morning I thought how the raindrops matched the puddle of tears we cried last night. Since so many of you have prayed for us concerning Brock's room, I wanted to let you know that we did get in there last night. All five of us were in the room. We worked, we cried, we worked some more and we cried some more.

We held each other close as we felt the Lord with us. I kept thinking....out of intense pain comes intense joy. I whispered "Lord, I give you my pain, please redeem it for your glory." Many times I was unable to do anything but just stand there and look at the memories hanging on hangers. There was the little cast from Brock's broken arm, the first Halloween costume, the diaper bag with his name monogrammed, his first pair of shoes and then there was the bag that I asked Drew to wait for a few minutes before he picked it up.

The pain was intense. The cries came from deep aching places in our hearts. They came hard and fast, just like the flood waters we've experienced lately. As our hands touched each belonging of Brock's, one of us would chime in to say what it reminded us of. Then Drew opened the bag with the funeral home logo on the front. He literally gasped. I knew what was in the bag, but he did not remember. In the bag were the clothes that the EMT's cut off of Brock to give him proper medical help. In one second, we were all there on that afternoon that would change our lives. Remembering he had become a man in a moment as he called his Dad on the phone to tell him something was wrong, Asa asked Drew what he did when he received that call at work. The kids and I had all been here with our different experiences, yet one in the same, but Drew was at work. He recalled to all of us his emotion as he received Asa's call. We cried some more.

The kids would play with toys and then jump up to join in a group hug as Drew and I would be overcome with grief. There were several times I wanted to scream but didn't want to remind the kids of that afternoon. Oh God, redeem my pain.

I had resolved myself that we would just not get to the room until after the baby got here. Drew encouraged me last night and said he really felt like it was something we needed to do. Looking back, I think it was a "good" thing. It allowed us as a family to get out some of the emotions that were building inside. I think it will allow us to more authentically experience the joy the Lord has in store for us. I am thankful we had the time as a family. I had always envisioned it would be me by myself with Drew's help. Once again showing me that God's plans are not my plans. He knew just what we needed.

I was reading this article on the Psalms of Lament. It pointed out how the Psalms do such an incredible job of showing us how to express our grief to God and then move toward a place of hope as we find thanksgiving, sometimes even when the crisis is still present. I know that our grief for the loss of Brock will not end tomorrow. Yet, we are praising Him for the indescribable gift of this new life. The article went on to point out that the movement from grief to joy was not just a physical or psychological process but was a "profoundly" spiritual journey. I totally agree. We have felt the Lord again so intensely lately. We have seen Him working in amazing ways. We have been blessed once again by the encouragement and prayers of His people. We know
He is holding us and moving us forward toward Joy. We praise him for what He is doing.

Experiencing this Grief along side of Joy has been very hard to describe in words. Today as two sweet friends came by the house to pray over me, Joan mentioned in her prayer that this grief with joy is exactly what the Gospel is all about. She has no idea how many times I've thought about those words throughout the day. God's son Jesus was even described as the 'man of sorrows' in the Bible. His death was cruel and brutal, especially for an innocent man. His followers were looking for a King-leader and experienced great sadness at seeing Him brutally beaten and hung on a criminal's cross. Placed in the tomb, it seemed that all was lost yet three days later there was joy as Jesus conquered death and rose from the grave. He did all this for you and for me. He did this so that we could live eternally with Him in Heaven. Grief and Joy, side by side.

Thank you for praying as we continue to remind ourselves that Jesus has given Brockie a new room....just as He said, "In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you." John 14:2