The boys were picked up by a sweet friend and taken to their day of classes. Drew was at his morning Men's Group, then on to an appointment. It was just Lila Jane and me at home. All I had to do was nurse her and get a shower. I had hoped to get this done by 10 am so that I could be first in line at the book signing starting at 11:00.
Believe it or not, when Drew got back home at 11:30, I was just getting in the shower. I am not sure where my morning went, but it was not going as I had planned. I told Drew I doubted I was going to the book signing since my Bible study started at 12:30. He encouraged me, "Yes, you wanted to go, so hurry up and go before your Bible study."
"There is no way. The line will be too long. I'll never make it to Bible study," I retorted as I stepped into the shower.
Still rushing as I was getting Lila Jane into her car seat, Drew insisted, "I really think you should go. Just go by and see."
Since the bookstore was on my way to Bible study, I turned in the parking lot. "Why am I even doing this?!"
I was surprised that the parking lot wasn't too full, and there wasn't the line out the door I expected. I pulled into the space still asking, "Lord, why am I here?" As I got out of the car, a gale force wind whipped by me. As I looked in my reflection in the car window, my hair was standing straight up!
Why am I doing this?
What will I say?
Will it be awkward?
I knew there would be too little time to say how much her ministry and Bible studies have impacted me for years.
I entered the store and told the man I was looking for the book signing. He pointed to the checkout counter and said, "You have to buy your book there and then make your way to the back of the store." The lady at the counter was very nice as she said, "Oh, you got here just in time. I think they are about to leave." Then she could not find another book to sell me. I thought, "OK, they're sold out of books. I'll just go back to my car and leave."But then she gave me my total, handed me a book and sent me to the back of the store.
As I rounded the end of one of the bookcases, I saw a girl and asked her if she was in line. She said no, but asked if I wanted her to take my picture. That reminded me, "Yes!" I had brought my camera (just in case). I gave her the camera and took Lila Jane out of the stroller...caught my breath and realized...........there was no line.
It was just me standing there.....
..... with Beth Moore!
There were some other people there, but they faded into the background as Beth turned and made a bee line straight toward Lila Jane. Lila Jane flashed a sweet smile, Beth exclaimed, "See, she knows a Grandmama when she sees one!"
I can't remember the exact details as at this point I began realizing I was caught up in something way bigger than just a morning that didn't go as I had planned. But, the conversation (it feels funny to write conversation as I am talking about Beth Moore) started something like many conversations start.....about Lila Jane being my first or only child.
This is a question that, after you've lost a child, is often painful. I always answer that I have 5 children. But sometimes, depending on the setting, I don't mention Brock dying. But this time, I decided to mention Brock...
at this point, Beth came right into my space and looked me eye to eye. I remember her hands touching me on my head, my shoulders, my arms, my hands as she talked with me. Then she said, "Let me just pray right now!" I wish I had a video as I stood right there in the middle of Borders bookstore with Beth Moore praying over me. Her prayer was beautiful. Oh, to have it recorded so I could read the words over and over!
One thing that the Lord used so powerfully over me as she prayed was when she said, "Lord, she is like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego." (see Daniel 3)
I must admit, at this point, my mind slowed the moment down as I thought, "What is she talking about?" And then Beth went on, "Lord, she has been through the fire and she does not even smell like smoke."
Writing the words even makes me tremble. Oh, how grateful I am that the Lord did not leave me in my besieged city. But He heard my cry and rescued me from the fire.
Praise be to the Lord, for he showed his wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city. Psalm 31:21
Often when I am sobered by the thought that I have a child that died, I think, "How am I living and functioning?!" It is only by the grace of God. It is only by His peace and comfort.
God used his precious servant, Beth Moore, to remind me of how in awe I am of Him for not passing me by. I often wonder how people walk through something like this without the grace, mercy, and hope that only He gives!
I once read in Sarah Young's Jesus Calling that remembering the promise of Jesus' presence "limits" how far down in despair you go when you experience the pits of life. Even with Christ, there are some really dark days. Where would I be if God had not been there to grab my hand in the dark of death, catch the tears from my swollen eyes and blow His holy spirit in me for my next breath? I shudder to think!
Beth was so sincere...she wanted to know how Drew and the boys were doing. She wanted to know all about Lila Jane. I'm sure I was just another person on her book signing tour, but oh, how she blessed me!
Incidently, she was there signing her new book titled, So Long Insecurity. (Rereading the beginning of this post, I had to laugh...it sounds like I could have been the poster child for the book that day)
God used her in a mighty way to give me a fresh wind to keep going even as the days of remembering the furnace are still so hard.Thank you Lord for bringing me through with no smell of smoke.