The distraction of the Bruster's Contest has been great because my emotions have been spiraling. It all started earlier in the week through a physical scare with Drew. He is fine now, but a severe headache showed that his blood pressure had temporarily gone through the roof. He follows up with the Doctor next week, so if you think about it, please say a little prayer for him.
God was with me and gave me His peace. Yet I know, all too well, the reality of things changing very quickly...for the worse.
Lila Jane has had a cough for 4 long weeks. She had a cold and then allergies. As our pediatrician has assured me, sometimes that cough can linger. Frankly, I am ready for it to go. I have been in a battle all month of taking my thoughts captive and surrendering my worry to the Lord. I am a little worn out and tired. But He promises, "When you are weak, I am strong."
I went to the grocery store this morning. I was introduced to the CouponMom, who goes to our church, a few years ago. I really like her system. With today's economy, and our ridiculously tight budget, I try to save wherever I can. I have truly cut our grocery bill by a third using her system (not sure why I got off on that). Oh, all to say, I had "prepared" for my trip to the store -
my plan was to first stop at the front desk and buy the Store Advertised Special of Buy a $50 Amex Card and get a $10 Publix card free. Free is a good word around our house...humbling, but good. I would then shop and pay for my groceries using the Amex card and the Publix card for a deal. As I entered the store with Lila Jane in the buggy, I gazed at her...
and saw Brock's face!
I was just there with him as my shopping buddy...with every passerby stopping to speak and say "how cute!"
Then I went to the front desk. I told the lady I wanted to buy the Amex card special, and she matter of factly replied, "We are all out of those." I tell you all of this because I think it is always amusing what little thing triggers my emotional flood. I turned around from the desk and absolutely lost it.
Did she know how I had prepared before coming here?!
Did she know what an emotional battle every time it is for me to come to the place that holds so many memories?!
Did she know when I walk around the store and see every Mom with her "almost 3 year old" that I long for my boy whose in Heaven?!
Did she know I took her words as total rejection and jumped head first into my own pity party?!
At first I thought about leaving the store, but I slowly kept putting one foot in front of the other. I couldn't hold back the tears, so I pretended to be very interested in the pork chops. I held it together as I puttered around the produce section. I even visited with a neighbor. I am sure I covered it up well enough that she didn't even know I had just been crying and was currently bawling on the inside.
...on to the meat department where they did not have the size I wanted. More tears for my party. Oops, then came another friend. I quickly wiped the tears. Talked small talk. Then we parted, wishing each other:
Happy Mother's Day
...(gasp) the hurts won't stop! I make it around to the goldfish isle and lose it again. This time thinking so much about Brock that I want to grab Lila Jane, abandon my buggy, and run crying to my car. I dried it up to make it to the checkout with my favorite cashier, Marie. She handed me my receipt. We both celebrated my saving $48. She then gave me a big hug. My tears burned my eyes as I walked to my car.
When I got home. I shared my experience with Drew. He held me as I cried some more. I told him that I did not remember being so emotional on other Mother's Day's. He prayed for me and specifically asked for comfort for my hurting heart.
Moments later, we headed out to round up the boys from here and yonder. We checked the mail; this is something we never do. Our habit is to check it when we return home, not upon leaving. I was driving. Drew opened an envelope addressed to me. As he read, he got choked up, and I almost had to pull over because I could not see through my tears. It was a note from a sweet "distant" friend that prays for me and reads my blog. She had enclosed a picture that she had received, yet the Lord told her to give it to me. She wrote, "I pray this picture blesses you and comforts you." The word comforts was underlined.
Just like what Drew had just prayed for, comfort it did! I am so glad she was obedient to the Lord.
The picture reminded me that, even though I had hid some of my tears from different people in the grocery store, God saw every one of them. They were not lost on the spotted tile floor of Publix.
I am once again overwhelmed by God's nearness to my broken heart. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
I am overwhelmed by His compassion to notice and see me. "You are the God who sees me." Gen 16:13
I stand in awe of His attention to every detail of my life.
8 comments:
I have had so many of these moments too, Nita. You feel so disoriented in the moment of it. Then, a concerted effort to lean upon God's grace and something happens unexpected to pull you out and to know that he is there as you said, seeing every tear. I believe he catches each one and uses those tears to bring solace to another. Sometimes we know - and sometimes we don't. I feel I've entered into another phase of the grieving. There has been a period of time in the past couple of years that I've experienced spikes in it. Tremendous grace in life followed by tremendous sorrow. It would frighten me to "feel" too high because an ensuing "crash" always seemed to be around the corner. I am recognizing with God's help - it is still another way that God in his infinite wisdom wants me to lean on him more and more and ALWAYS look to him first. And simply LOVE. Thanks for your time, effort and honesty with your labor of love blog.
Nita, we love you. We love Drew, too, and we continue to pray for all of you.
Bless your heart. I know little things have to be so hard to deal with some days. I am praying for your strength to survive.
Oh Nita, my heart is hurting for you as I read this. Though it is wonderful to hear how God brings you comfort in such creative and amazing ways. Praying for you!
Oh my dear sweet Nita,
I have thought of you so often this week, I have lifted your name up to God each and every time. My heart aches at the thought of you suffering through each and every joyful memory that Brock gave us.
I pray that you have a wonderful Mothers Day and that God will flood your heart with peace and comfort that only He can provide. Kathy Browning
Happy Mother's Day, friend. I am praying for you.
I share your sorrow. I was just at Publix waiting around for my youngest's antibiotics Rx. Everyone was talking to her and smiling, etc. I remember that when Emmy was with us it was every single person that caught her gaze and smile. I also agree that I cannot predict when I will break down. It might be at a meeting or just driving down the road. The wound of Emmy's death will never heal, it just scabs over only for the scab to be ripped of over and over again as I go on through life.
emmysangels.blogspot.com
I have just read your blog for the first time having arrived here through Mari's blog "Out of Deep Waters". My heart is so blessed by your story of God's amazing and personal love, expressed through someone else's obedience. And I am comforted as well by the same picture. I have just "lost" my daughter to the world as she has left her faith, her husband and her children. My tears have been endless. I will add you to my prayers and my list of fav blogs.
Post a Comment