Could you read my mind? Have you gotten all the posts I have thought of in my head? I wish I had a USB port from my brain so that every time I sit to nurse I could download all the thoughts I would love to share with you. Thank you for being patient as we all adjust to Lila Jane's schedule. So, if you don't mind, I am going to do quite a bit of "retro-blogging" because there are so many things I want to tell you.

Last weekend, our sweet girl (born into a family of all boys) starred in her first acting role...as a boy! Not just any boy though. If you are going to have to play a boy...at least she got the best one.

Lila Jane was Baby Jesus in the Christmas Festival at our church. The Christmas Festival is the Sanctuary choir and Orchestra's concert with some narration, drama, dancing and other media. I had to laugh when I told the boys that on Wednesday she was going to the church for practice. Mason said, "Why does she need to practice being a baby?" I think he had a point, but none the less, it all paid off because she was just perfect in her role.

Lila Jane was on stage for two songs. The first song was called Son of God. Kelly from our church's dance ministry did an interpretation of an angel in celebratory worship of God's Son. It was beautiful. As she danced around Mary and Baby Jesus, it made you think of the joy the angels had at Jesus' birth. Then she reached down and took Jesus from Mary's arms.


As she twirled around and lifted Jesus back up toward the heavens, you were drawn into the awe of worship that all of Heaven must have felt at the glory of His birth.


The next song was a continuation of "Hallelujahs" as the shepherds came to visit. Then a children's ensemble joined the adult choir as they first ran on to see and touch Baby Jesus.


It was a great visual of the Christ-child coming for the shepherds long ago but also coming for us today. A humble reminder of, "Do I receive Him with the same excitement that shone on the children's faces?" The final scene was Mary standing and raising Jesus up with a look of dedication and recognition that this baby was God's.

Watching Lila Jane on stage brought up so many emotions. You see, Brock also played Baby Jesus when he was about 4 weeks old in our choir's performance of The Easter Story.

Brock 2005

For a brief moment the grief almost overwhelmed me as I thought...wait a minute! Yes, I was just here with him and we were just starting out and now....where is he?! And then, in the way it has gone since Lila Jane's birth, the joy over what God has done in giving her to us flooded right in with the grief...

together...

existing at the same time...

one not stealing anything from the other.

The emotions are hard to describe. I wish you could have been there. I tried to take pictures, but my tears were making everything blurry. I was caught wanting to capture it through a lens and soaking the moment all in. Drew and I sang for years in this choir. We were out for what was supposed to be a short break. Then Brock died.

They are still family to us. So many of the people on stage have cried and faithfully prayed with us in our journey. Many commented they so vividly remembered Brock playing the role. Many told me, "Thank you for sharing Lila Jane with us." However, to "share" her seemed so fitting after all the love and support they have given us.



There was a holy hush, though there were voices singing, when Lila Jane was first on stage. Seeing her there, we were all completely overwhelmed by God's grace and goodness. I am of course, in no way, comparing her to Jesus, but I think it was one of those glimpses from Heaven that God gives us so that we can better understand in a tiny way the emotions described in His word. For a moment...

to see how the angels danced and rejoiced,

how the hosts sang,

how the shepherds saw,

and how Mary held all that she had been told.

That night, Lila Jane was with us - all of us who had cried tears from heartache over Brock's death. All of us who had prayed for healing. All of us who had prayed over my pregnancy and the safe arrival of this baby. All these things were woven together as we saw her there. It strengthened us in our faith.

Finally, each time she was lifted up I whispered to myself, "Oh God, she is yours."


*The program will be broadcast on Atlanta television on WATL Channel 36, December 25th at noon.*

Blessings

Blessing.....Pink Edition.

For All Things Pink....


Pink Lips...

Pink Laundry....

Pink Flowers....

(The only flowers blooming in our yard right now are pink roses and camellias.)

Pink Bows....

Pink Smiles...



Pink Cards from well wishing friends.....


Oh, and who can forget....Pink Christmas Trees.

We give you Thanks, Oh Lord!

Father, we are tickled pink with your indescribable gift. You are so good! You have lavished us with blessings. We are grateful. Thank you!

Home

We have been home now for a week. We are beginning to get into a little routine. Feed Lila Jane, change Lila Jane, and hold Lila Jane. She is very content. Of course, she is never put down.

My recovery is going well. I am feeling well. Friends are taking care of us by filling up our Care Calender with meals to bring. I thought I would share a few more photos.

Lila Jane came home from the hospital in the outfit that all her older brothers wore. She did wear a pink one-sie underneath, instead of a blue one, of course.

Her daddy won on this one saying that tradition was more important than fashion...we will see how long that holds!

Barrett brought Brock's "Buddy" (teddy bear) to the hospital with the passed down Big Brother shirt. Barrett had said a while back, "This would be Brock's now." Before leaving the hospital, we sat Buddy beside Lila Jane.

She was hungry and reached up and looked just like she was giving Brock's bear a kiss. Drew and I melted into a puddle of tears.

At home we have had lots of fun. She is adored by all her brothers...and especially her Daddy. In this picture, I love Drew's gray hair. It reminds me of God's great plans that we could never have imagined. I am reminded of Sarah's laugh when God told Abraham she would bear a child in her old age (See Genesis 18). I had to try hard to control my emotions the other day when I had just finished nursing and looked through the mail to find I had received a notice about needing a mammogram.


If you haven't yet heard Steven Curtis Chapman's new album, Beauty Will Rise. It is wonderful. So many people mentioned his song Heaven is the Face to us. Our friends Brad and Shannon gave us the CD. The title song Beauty will Rise is gorgeous. This picture reminds us that yes - out of our ashes, Beauty has come.


Oh, I could just eat her up!

After I took this picture, I picked Lila Jane up and just sat and rocked. I was looking at her with that new mother amazement that she was "ours." My heart was so full. Then before I could stop them, tears were streaming down my cheek. So close to my joy over Lila Jane came grief over Brock. I long to see his reaction over Lila Jane. I was overwhelmed with wishing they both could be here with me. I gently heard the Lord whisper, "One day, they will be, one day!"

Oh God. Hold me close til then.

Joy

This day is holy to our Lord. Do not sorrow for the joy of the Lord is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

We are claiming this verse for the day. Thank you for joining us in prayer.

Nita, Drew and the boys

Brock's Room

As I woke this morning I thought how the raindrops matched the puddle of tears we cried last night. Since so many of you have prayed for us concerning Brock's room, I wanted to let you know that we did get in there last night. All five of us were in the room. We worked, we cried, we worked some more and we cried some more.

We held each other close as we felt the Lord with us. I kept thinking....out of intense pain comes intense joy. I whispered "Lord, I give you my pain, please redeem it for your glory." Many times I was unable to do anything but just stand there and look at the memories hanging on hangers. There was the little cast from Brock's broken arm, the first Halloween costume, the diaper bag with his name monogrammed, his first pair of shoes and then there was the bag that I asked Drew to wait for a few minutes before he picked it up.

The pain was intense. The cries came from deep aching places in our hearts. They came hard and fast, just like the flood waters we've experienced lately. As our hands touched each belonging of Brock's, one of us would chime in to say what it reminded us of. Then Drew opened the bag with the funeral home logo on the front. He literally gasped. I knew what was in the bag, but he did not remember. In the bag were the clothes that the EMT's cut off of Brock to give him proper medical help. In one second, we were all there on that afternoon that would change our lives. Remembering he had become a man in a moment as he called his Dad on the phone to tell him something was wrong, Asa asked Drew what he did when he received that call at work. The kids and I had all been here with our different experiences, yet one in the same, but Drew was at work. He recalled to all of us his emotion as he received Asa's call. We cried some more.

The kids would play with toys and then jump up to join in a group hug as Drew and I would be overcome with grief. There were several times I wanted to scream but didn't want to remind the kids of that afternoon. Oh God, redeem my pain.

I had resolved myself that we would just not get to the room until after the baby got here. Drew encouraged me last night and said he really felt like it was something we needed to do. Looking back, I think it was a "good" thing. It allowed us as a family to get out some of the emotions that were building inside. I think it will allow us to more authentically experience the joy the Lord has in store for us. I am thankful we had the time as a family. I had always envisioned it would be me by myself with Drew's help. Once again showing me that God's plans are not my plans. He knew just what we needed.

I was reading this article on the Psalms of Lament. It pointed out how the Psalms do such an incredible job of showing us how to express our grief to God and then move toward a place of hope as we find thanksgiving, sometimes even when the crisis is still present. I know that our grief for the loss of Brock will not end tomorrow. Yet, we are praising Him for the indescribable gift of this new life. The article went on to point out that the movement from grief to joy was not just a physical or psychological process but was a "profoundly" spiritual journey. I totally agree. We have felt the Lord again so intensely lately. We have seen Him working in amazing ways. We have been blessed once again by the encouragement and prayers of His people. We know
He is holding us and moving us forward toward Joy. We praise him for what He is doing.

Experiencing this Grief along side of Joy has been very hard to describe in words. Today as two sweet friends came by the house to pray over me, Joan mentioned in her prayer that this grief with joy is exactly what the Gospel is all about. She has no idea how many times I've thought about those words throughout the day. God's son Jesus was even described as the 'man of sorrows' in the Bible. His death was cruel and brutal, especially for an innocent man. His followers were looking for a King-leader and experienced great sadness at seeing Him brutally beaten and hung on a criminal's cross. Placed in the tomb, it seemed that all was lost yet three days later there was joy as Jesus conquered death and rose from the grave. He did all this for you and for me. He did this so that we could live eternally with Him in Heaven. Grief and Joy, side by side.

Thank you for praying as we continue to remind ourselves that Jesus has given Brockie a new room....just as He said, "In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you." John 14:2

Pink or Blue?

Pink....

or Blue......??

We are getting close to knowing. The excitement is building around here. All our emotions are actually in full swing. Drew & I are experiencing grief and joy all at the same time. The intensity lately has been hard to handle.

People are still asking if we know what the baby is. While it has been the most photographed(by sonogram) baby we have had, the answer is still...no. But soon we will know. I will admit that on some days the not knowing has gotten the best of me. I went to one of my sonogram appointments by myself and I have to say I was a little tempted for the lady to just tell me. I don't think I could have kept it to myself, though, so I closed my eyes at the right time.

Many have asked what I feel it is. In the beginning I thought it was a boy. Then I went through a girl phase for about two months. Now I am back to feeling that it is a boy! I think that is all I can imagine bringing home from the hospital. Drew actually also feels that it is a boy. All the boys think it is a boy; however, Asa said he wished it was a girl but thinks it is a boy.

I am so glad that God decides and not us. I can trust that He knows just what we need to continue on the journey of healing. I can think of things about either sex that would be great and also things that would hurt. Just as each of our children are unique in their own ways, I could see that having another little boy to love would be just great. I have already wondered if he would have mannerisms or looks that would remind me of Brock. To see the hand me down clothes again would be sweet or would it hurt as a constant reminder of the last little boy that was in the middle of wearing them.

A little girl would be very different and not have the reminders, obviously, that a boy would have with Brock. Mason said he just can't see us with a girl. He said, "What would we do?!" I assured him that I could figure it out. But the thought that a little girl came into our family after Brock's death is also a little painful.

See how complicated?! I am glad God is in charge of my life and not me. I know that He had this planned long before Brock's birth or death. I know that He is walking with us and that any hurt He will touch and heal. I know that on Wednesday, when we see what He's been up to, we will be filled with Joy. I know that any emotions that flood over us, He will be right there holding us.

So now the interactive portion of my blog: your turn! Post a comment...what do you think it is?
Thank you for continuing to lift us up in prayer. We need it. My love,
Nita

Fear - less

*****Congratulations to Commenter Lyn! She won the necklace from Jennypickle Designs.

Currently I am reading Max Lucado's new book Fearless. I am in a small Bible Study Group with some ladies. I was unable to attend on the day we picked the book for our study but chuckled with God when they told me they selected Fearless.

Fears...something God has been teaching be about. This summer, I had a lot of time to myself. I called it my summer of solitude. It was one of those things where all the boys would get invited off all at the same time. Drew and the boys also played a little golf this summer, which left me alone in the house. The quietness of the house was one of the hardest things to get used to when Brock died. At first this summer, I thought, "What can I get done while the kids are gone?" But, more and more, I kept finding myself just sitting and sitting. The fact that my ever growing belly made bending over not so easy didn't help either. Knowing that the Lord plans my days, I finally acknowledged that He had planned this time for me to be alone...with Him.

I guess I wasn't alone after all! He began teaching me so much about myself. I was caught in a tight grip of fear. After Brock died, many people would relate to me their own fears having the unthinkable happen to one of their children. I remember telling a friend, "I don't think there is anything I fear anymore." Any event that could happen now would seem to pale in comparison. I have walked through the darkest valley and felt and seen God with me the entire way. I knew He would be there and be bigger than anything I could face. But as so often I do, as time moved on, really after I was pregnant with this baby, I let fear and worry creep back in. I know God says "Remember.. ." in the Bible all those times just for me. I found that my fears were blocking my memory of what God had done. My fears were telling me that having a healthy pregnancy and baby were not for me. Interesting how fears are real close to lies.

I found myself holding out on trusting God until I could see that everything was going to be okay. Believe me, that is no way to live. I need Him too much and I can't afford to let my fears stand in the way of receiving everything He can pour into me. So I am still learning...



This past week, the chapter I read in Fearless was the one entitled, My Child is in Danger...Fear of not Protecting My Kids. I took a deep breath before I read this one. The fear of not protecting my kids rises up in me every time one of them falls down, cries, gets sick or has a fever. One of the monumental days in my grieving was when I vocalized the fear that I had let Brock down and not done enough to help him. Healing and freedom came when I handed it over to Jesus. I have learned, as C.S Lewis said, that "I never knew that grief looked so much like fear".

I have also learned that God is patient with me and my fears. He wants to hear each one of them. He wants me to keep talking with him and never take any of my fears as truth. And, when I come to Him and hand them to Jesus, they tend to wash away like water in His nail-scarred hands.

As I read the chapter in the book, I cried and I wept. I felt as if my familiarity with the subject was far too strange. I wailed out loud as I cried, "Why couldn't Brock have just been asleep?!" like Jairus' daughter (Read Luke 40-56). "Now all wept and mourned for her; but He [Jesus] said, 'Do not weep; she is not dead, but sleeping' ". Luke 52-54.

Lucado reminds us in this chapter of God's heart toward hurting parents. No matter what the plea is for your child...bullying, mistreatment, mocking, being taken advantage of, suffering, He wants to hear it. He understands because after all He was Jesus' Father. But, because of His great Love for us, did not spare His own Son but gave Him for us all (Romans 8:32)

Lucado tells a sweet story of the first night home with his daughter as he was up doing night duty so his wife could sleep. Overcome with the thought of being this baby's father and taking care of her, he remembered the story of Abraham and Issac. (Genesis 22:1-18) He literally raised her blanket wrapped little body straight up in the air as he stood their in his pj's. He uttered, "I can't raise this girl, I confess...but you can. I give her back to you." What a sweet picture.

He also talks about, "Wise are the parents who regularly give their children back to God." It is so important to give them regularly, if not daily, over to the Lord. I remember in the months of intense grief shortly after Brock died, thinking on this thought of giving my children over to the Lord. I would have said, "Of course, I have given them to the Lord. They are His." Those words were easier said than done when you experience a child "taken" from you.

We were so grateful that we had even one day with Brock. We recognized what a gift each one of his days were. I was intensely aware that even though this pain in my heart is excruciating because of my love for Brock, that there was One who loved him far more than me. The One he was with now. I realized in a way, unlike before, that he was the Lord's...all along! I had just been given the awesome privilege of hearing him call me Mommy.

An interesting thing happens when we give our children back to the Lord. It is almost as if He gives them even more to us. We enjoy them fully and don't take our fears out on them. I remember praying in that time after Brock's death, as I had to physically let go of him so abruptly, "Lord help me to fully let go of him and trust that you have him." The Lord comforted me with the thought that one day when I arrive in Heaven and fall at Jesus' feet, praising Him for what He has done for me, that He will then lift my head and say, "Here is Brock, he is yours for eternity. "

In the discussion guide in the book, Lucado gives these scriptures as ones to use to battle fears over your children. I looked them up on Bible Gateway and searched the different translations to see which one I liked. This is what I'll be thinking on for the weekend. I have included my thoughts in parenthesis. Have a great weekend...enjoying your children...fully and fearless!


Deuteronomy 4:40 (New International Version)

⁴⁰ Keep his decrees and commands, which I am giving you today, so that it may go well with you and your children after you and that you may live long in the land the LORD your God gives you for all time.

(The land the Lord gives me for all time…Thank you Lord for Heaven made possible by your son Jesus so all my children and I may dwell together for eternity.)

Deuteronomy 5:29 (The Message)

^28-29 God heard what you said to me and told me, "I've heard what the people said to you. They're right—good and true words. What I wouldn't give if they'd always feel this way, continuing to revere me and always keep all my commands; they'd have a good life forever, they and their children!

(God knows I am prone to wander and I fail daily at keeping His commands. Oh, how He longs for me, just like I want what is best for my children, to stay focused on Him and His Word)

Deuteronomy 30:19 (New Living Translation)

¹⁹ “Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!

(Heaven and Earth see my choices. Today…I have the choice each day to choose life or death. My choices today will impact the children that come long after me…I want to leave a legacy.)

Psalm 37:25 (New American Standard Bible)
²⁵I have been young and now I am old,
Yet ^(A)I have not seen the righteous forsaken
Or ^(B)his descendants begging bread.

(Crushed maybe, but not forsaken)

Proverbs 20:7 (The Message)
⁷ God-loyal people, living honest lives,
make it much easier for their children.

(Funny, so many of these verses have to deal with me. Often I think that if my children would behave or stop doing this or that, I would not fall short so often. Lord change me.)

Acts 2:38-39 (New Living Translation)

³⁸ Peter replied, “Each of you must repent of your sins and turn to God, and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. Then you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. ³⁹ This promise is to you, and to your children, and even to the Gentiles^[a]—all who have been called by the Lord our God.”

(Through this whole journey of Brock’s death, I have seen God be Savior and Comforter to my children. Most importantly, being Lord to them; not through mine and Drew’s faith, but through their faith. God, through the Holy Spirit, whispered truth to them, love to them and promises to them. He has shown me that He cares for them and loves them far more than I ever could.)

5 eggs, An Anniversary and a Give-Away

A few weeks ago God used another one of His people to encourage me. A sweet friend, Meade, and her two precious girls brought me by a little "happy." She is actually a sorority sister of mine (although I am a few years older) and the wife of a fraternity brother of Drew's. She and her husband, Cale, have been one of many couples that have faithfully prayed for us, supported us and encouraged us since Brock's death. They are precious to us. She gave me a beautiful necklace. When I opened it in front of her, I was almost speechless. I was able to hold it together until she left. I then went to my room, sat down in my chair and just cried. I did not cry because her gift made me sad; I cried because once again, God encouraged me in the perfect way at the perfect time. At the time, I found myself in some intense grief over Brock. I was missing him so desperately. The reality of the new baby had also hit. I found myself in such a strange place of being sad over Brock's life that seemed to leave our family too soon, yet wanting to be joyful over this little life that is about to join our family very soon.

As I pulled the necklace out of the bag, Meade pointed out to me that it had five eggs in the nest to represent my five children. The necklace was beautiful. I adored it immediately. It is so delicately hand crafted by Jenny. But, what I loved even more, was the thought that there was an egg for each of my children. This was really the first acknowledgment by someone, other than us and my obstetrician, of us having 5 children. Sitting in my chair moments later, God reminded me that yes I do have 5 children by His blessing. This seemed to be exactly what my heart needed to hear.

I often have a hard time describing my feelings of deep grief. As I lay it at Jesus' feet, I trust that the Holy Spirit interprets my motherly groans just as He promised in Romans 8:26 - In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Sometimes I never do get the right words to put with the emotions, but I know when He brings me peace to the situation. He reminded me of the Hope of seeing Brock again and that just because he was no longer seen (or heard) here, he was still mine. With the addition of this new baby, I would have 5 children, not 4 again. He showed me that each one of the freshwater pearls is unique and precious in its on way; so are my children. God's plan for each one of them also is different, and I will love them in different ways. My love for Brock will continue and it will not be threatened by my love for this new baby. The birth of this new baby will bring us joy, not pain.

A year ago this week, I started this blog. It felt so...unlike me. I still struggle with fears before I post any entry. God has blessed me in so many ways through this "strange" outlet as I step out and trust Him each time. So many of you encourage me greatly through your comments, whether you post on the blog, send me an email, or just tell me when you see me. God uses you more than you'll ever know!

So...to celebrate my blogaversary (with a word I made up), I am having a give-away. Jenny of jennypickle designs has generously agreed to donate a "Mother's necklace" to one of the readers of my blog. She is also a mother who has lost a child and is greatly honored to do this. She will custom make it just for you with the number of eggs you want in your nest.

So I will open the comments up to this give-away. I know many of you have told me you don't know how to comment. Just click on the word "comments" at the end of the post. If you have a gmail account, you can use that. If you have a blogger account you can use that. If not just comment as anonymous and then be sure to sign your name. The code they ask you to verify is just so Blogger can make sure that you are real and not some computer spam.

When you comment, I thought it would be fun to have everyone answer the question of, "How many eggs would be in your nest?" I realize not everyone of you are moms. If you don't have children, you could answer how many children were in your family growing up. I also realize that some of you are waiting desperately for God to bless you with a child; please know that I have already prayed for you. You might include one precious egg in your nest as an acknowledgment of the desire you have and the hope you have for the Lord's timing in your life.

So let the fun begin. I will put the names in a hat and let the boys draw one for me this Thursday night after 9pm, eastern time. If you don't win, be sure to still check out Jenny's store anyway...AND drop a hint for those buying you a Christmas present or buy one yourself for a special mom that you know.

Family Of Faith

This was a video our church did a couple of months ago when our pastor was doing a sermon on The Family of Faith. I am so thankful for our Family of Faith at our church and especially the "extended" family that God has blessed us with throughout life and this blog.

I feel that we are in a place of being very needy again. Believe me when you have received so many blessings from you sweet people as we have, it is with a little bit of hesitancy that I even ask for more. But, I am always so encouraged by your prayers, that I have come to know I need them. God also reminded me that prayer is one of the ways He involves us in His work. It is a way we get to show His love to others. So if you have some extra time, would you once again include us in your prayer time? Yes, I know many of you have never stopped praying for us. I am humbled and appreciative.


Some specific things we have coming our way: I have prayed that God would show me the right time for me to go through Brock's room. I have not packed away one thing of his since he died. We have all enjoyed his room as all of us spend time in there. I have found each of the boys in there playing with his toys, hugging his teddy bear, lying on his bed or praying in his room. We have all enjoyed having that "place" in our home that reminds us of the years we had with Brock. It is a wierd sort of thing...all the things that I would have easily gotten rid of if Brock were here now have some attachment as each one provokes a precious memory when I see it. Am I afraid that those memories will go if I let go of the things? I guess I need to ask God about that so He can show me.

There have been stages of letting go; I am sure this is another level I must go through. I recall the boys questions, when we found out we were again pregnant, about which room would be the baby's room. I seemed to answer so easily then. Well now that the time is drawing close, it is getting harder for me. I know that my anxious thoughts don't include God walking through each step of the process with me. I know He will be there and will guide me in ways I can't think of. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. Isaiah 55:8" We have a bassinet that goes in our bedroom for when the boys are tiny, so I know that if preparing the room does not happen before the baby is born, he/she will at least have a place to sleep.

I would like to take Brock's clothes and make a quilt for each of the boys. This complicates the issue of cleaning out the room as I feel I will need to decide which clothes I want to cut up and which ones I want to leave whole, so that when I look at them, I can remember Brock's size. Pray for that process and someone to do the quilting as I wish I could do it myself, but I can't.

We are not very close on the name for this baby. We have many opinions now as all the boys are older and it is not just Drew and me picking the name. Pray we will all come to agreement.

Drew's business continues to do well but needs to grow more. We have been blessed, but the economy is causing a number of his clients to go out of business, which impacts us. Please pray as we trust the Lord to provide.

I had a Dr's appointment yesterday. I learned two weeks ago that I have gestational diabetes. I have never had this before with my other pregnancies. So far it has not been too hard to adjust my diet to keep it in control. At my appointment yesterday, they took another look at the baby. The baby is doing just great. Praise God! Please pray for continued health for the baby and me.

The official due date is November 11, 2009. I will have a C-section. Please pray for Dr. Hirsch and the delivery.

Y'all are wonderful!! Thank you for letting me share here. If I can pray for you, please leave a comment or send me an email. I would be honored to return the blessing.

Way cool!

The other day, as Mason and I were riding in the car, we began talking about the baby. We talked about the usual.... what we think it is and what we will name it. We talked for a while and then Mason said, "You know what I think is so cool!? That God gets to pick out exactly what this baby is and what it will look like." While my first thought was to make this a teachable moment about genetics, I am glad the big lump in my throat stopped me. As tears began to well up in my eyes, the only thing I could say was, "Yeah that is neat." As nothing else was said, I sat with Mason's words and thought..."There it is again, that childlike faith!" You see, Mason at age 11 knows about the birds and the bees but hasn't yet studied biology. I thought, how easily my knowledge of X and Y , recessive and dominant had clouded the wonder of what God was doing in my womb. Remembering how God is soooo into details, I began to smile as I thought of Him selecting the details of this little one. Knitting them all together in a beautiful way. I know this baby will be His perfect selection and creation.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

Being 21 weeks along we have gotten several peaks with the help of the sonogram at what God has been up to:


The latest was last week. The baby was very active and moved around a lot. We got to see it move it's mouth and hands and arms. One neat thing was to see the blood flow from the umbilical cord to the baby. It was an overwhelming feeling of life....flesh and blood; one God is so carefully creating for us in this perfect time of His. Drew and I both talked later at how the moment the blood flow flashed on the screen, something came over us. To think that we are just beginning to get to know this little life that God already knows completely.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;...Jeremiah 1:5

We are so grateful to get a sneak peek at this wonderful gift God is creating for us. And by the way, for those of you wondering, we still purposely don't know what the baby is :)

A Heartbeat

Well, my kids officially finished school today! Summer is here. I am so excited. Since we homeschool, and I have learned from the past, they will do some review work over the summer to keep their skills up.

April was extremely busy again. In the days and months after Brock's death, I was completely "out of it". Friends took care of many of my responsibilities as it seemed all I could do was take care of myself and my kids. Since then, as I have eased back into life, I feel myself being resistant to letting myself move at such a fast pace again. I find that it interferes with my listening and looking for my Lord. My mind gets filled with so many distractions that it is sometimes hard to "still" it like I would like. It also interferes with my time to fellowship with friends. It seems our conversations turn to "Hey, how are you?" and "Gotta go." Sometimes we do it to ourselves, but Drew and I are much more aware that we control how fast our family runs. Slowing down is a decision. All that to say, I am glad May is here with some time to slow down.

Last week we went to the Baby Doctor for the first time. I am changing doctors. My GYN does not deliver babies anymore, so I have been asking around for a new doctor. We have prayed about this doctor. With all of our emotions, we wanted one that was professional yet sensitive to our story and the emotions that have already come. I prayed that I would know right away if this doctor was the one God was preparing for us. After we met with the nurse, we met with Dr. H. in his office. The first thing he said after looking at my paperwork was, with a knowing smile, "Tell me about this little one you have in Heaven."

When we went back to the exam room, he reminded me that he might not be able to pick up the baby's heartbeat with the doppler, because at 12 weeks, it might be too early. For those of you that haven't had babies in many years, the doppler is like a microphone that they put some gel on and they rub it on your belly to hear the heartbeat. It is like a sonogram but without the picture, just the sound. About the time he started to put in on my belly, the nurse began talking to Drew about some paperwork. The instant he put it there, our child's heartbeat rushed over the speaker! No searching necessary! I started to cry. Then I realized that Drew was still talking and not listening. I said to the Dr., "I don't think he is listening." He said, "Yeah, just a miracle going on over here, and he's not listening." We got Drew's attention. Then we both began to cry. As the nurse handed me a tissue, for some reason I said, "I'm sorry." Dr H said, "Don't apologize, my wife says that when I stop crying is when I should quit this business." He said, "I cry at deliveries. I will cry at yours." As we finished our visit and started to leave, Dr H. said, "I have to think there is someone in Heaven smiling down on this right now."

I cried all the way home as I was so overwhelmed at the Lord's goodness. I asked Him to make it clear to us one way or the other about this doctor. In His usual manner, He blessed me beyond my imagination. Y'all, he is sooooo into details, big and small! I love the way He is writing the story of my life. This visit was on Friday. It was the perfect start to my Mother's Day weekend.

You see, the afternoon Brock died, we were in the Emergency Room glaring a hole in the heart monitor, so desperate to see a heartbeat...yet there was none. I think it is so precious the Lord chose to give me a new heartbeat for this Mother's Day. Thank you Lord for this wonderful gift.

Questions

Thank y'all for your sweet responses to our good news. Every congrats has meant so much. Some of you were even sneaky as you have now let us know that you were secretly praying that the Lord would give us another baby to love. Your words are so precious to us as they have served as confirmation to us that we were not the only ones praying for this child. Our joy is great!

However, it seems that all at once, in our great joy, the ache of our sorrow is deep. In true testament to the power of the Holy Spirit, we have had moments of joy since Brock died. In our laughter and joy, there is an ache for the missing of Brock that he is not here to have fun with us nor for us to marvel at.

We have talked a ton about Brock lately. He is on the forefront of our minds as we want to share the news with him and see his excitement. We have a "I'm the Big Brother" t-shirt that has been passed to each boy when he became the Big. Barrett went and got it the other night and said, "This would be Brock's now." We are all so excited and long to see that childlike excitement, of not fully understanding, but knowing you should be excited because everyone else is, in Brock's big eyes. He would have been an awesome big brother.

A few answers to your most frequent questions......I am feeling ok. I get pretty nauseated and am really ready for bed at night. I see both those things as good as they remind me I am pregnant. We will not find out what this baby is prior to the day we hold him or her. The only one we found out with was Brock. I felt like it was a weak moment and just a logistical decision. We were moving into our home and the "nursery" was painted pink. I wanted to know if I needed to paint the room. I wanted to know if I needed to move all the little boy stuff or give it away. We think we will go with the surprise this time. We truly see this child (as all are) as a gift from God. We just stand with open hands to receive His blessing.

The question the boys have asked the most is, "Where will the baby sleep?" We have a bassinet that Drew's Dad actually slept in when he was a baby. It has been passed around for all the Meadows' babies to sleep in. We keep our babies with us in that bed in our room for a while. I have just quickly reminded them of that. Last night I guess that answer was not enough as Barrett asked me again as we were driving in the car after dropping Asa off at baseball. I told him that after the baby sleeps in our bedroom, that he/she would go into Brock's room. I said, "I think that Brock would be okay with that, don't you?" Barrett quickly said, "Oh yeah, because Jesus has given him a new room." His sweet response ( and my raging hormones) caught me off guard, and I began to cry. I was braced for him to say, "But that's Brock's room." Barrett's words reminded me when Jesus said, "In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you." John 14:2

I have told you before how special Brock's room has been for us over the past year. It still has his toys, his clothes, his big boy bed and his rocker just as they were last year. It is a place all of us have enjoyed going. I have found the boys praying, crying or just playing in there. This will be the toughest of transitions for all of us. Since Brock died, I have asked the Lord to show me when I should go through the things in his room. I have not felt the desire to do so. I knew the day would come, but for now, his clothes are all still in his drawers and closet just like when he was here. In telling my Mom that this would be the hardest thing, she said that the day would have probably come where I felt like I wanted to do something with that room as all the boys got older. She said, "I can't think of a better thing to do with it than to get it ready for a new life."

Back in the car.... when Barrett realized I was crying, he said, "I wish I could get out of my seat belt right now and give you a hug."

Lord, thank you for all the precious lives you have blessed me with.

Life

Help! I haven't blogged in a while and I don't know where to start.....

Hey y'all! I am sorry I haven't posted. I have been thinking about you. God has continued to write His story on our life. It has been fast lately & I have so much to write. Last week we were out of town at the beach. Drew and I led worship and the children's time for the family camp our church does. We had a great time. It was hard to think of being at a family camp because I only had two children with me. Asa went on the Middle School Choir Tour Mission Trip.

So.... a great week at the beach where we wrote Brock's name in the sand.
I am always amazed when I am at the beach that this world is under a curse and that it will all be perfected in the New Heaven and New Earth. Parts are so beautiful that it is foretaste of the grandeur of Heaven. I love the "small" feeling I get at the beach. I am humbled and amazed that the God that created the vast sea shore and told the ocean where to stop loves me and wants to have a relationship with me.

Asa had a great mission trip. He boldly shared the Gospel with two boys. They both invited Jesus into their life as their Lord & Savior! He was so excited. He told the story about his experience at the homecoming concert tonight. I cried through the whole thing. His boldness and enthusiasm encouraged me. He was so confident in the Lord and did a wonderful job speaking in front of a large crowd.

We had a glorious Easter Weekend! I want to write about it soon. I have loved thinking all week long on the message that God spoke to me through our pastor's sermon. We had a sweet time with my brother's family which includes my niece, her husband and their two little boys. We had a 2-year old again in our home running around all weekend. The first morning as he ran with Barrett into our bedroom, I held my eyes closed for a moment and wished I was waking up from the nightmare of Brock's death. I imagined it was Brock's feet pitterpatting with Barrett. The boys loved having Brecken around and couldn't get enough of him. Barrett even said to me on Saturday that he wished we could have a baby and it be born 2 years old.

Well, on Sunday morning after church, we shared with the boys that we are going to have a baby (but not born 2 yrs. old like Barrett said). Yes, you read it right, I am pregnant!!!! I am about 9 weeks. It is a little early for me to be comfortable telling. We usually wait until 12 weeks or so. We decided to tell so that we could have you once more pray for us and walk this journey with us. The story is beautiful and I hope to be able to tell you all about it someday. I would rather sit with each one of you over a cup of coffee and tell you the story. We are excited, but as you can imagine, the news comes with a whole range of emotions. Well there it is!!!! Maybe now you can see why I wasn't sure where to start. Thanks for loving us and praying for us. My Love, Nita