Comfort

It has been a really long week...

The distraction of the Bruster's Contest has been great because my emotions have been spiraling. It all started earlier in the week through a physical scare with Drew. He is fine now, but a severe headache showed that his blood pressure had temporarily gone through the roof. He follows up with the Doctor next week, so if you think about it, please say a little prayer for him.

God was with me and gave me His peace. Yet I know, all too well, the reality of things changing very quickly...for the worse.

Lila Jane has had a cough for 4 long weeks. She had a cold and then allergies. As our pediatrician has assured me, sometimes that cough can linger. Frankly, I am ready for it to go. I have been in a battle all month of taking my thoughts captive and surrendering my worry to the Lord. I am a little worn out and tired. But He promises, "When you are weak, I am strong."

I went to the grocery store this morning. I was introduced to the CouponMom, who goes to our church, a few years ago. I really like her system. With today's economy, and our ridiculously tight budget, I try to save wherever I can. I have truly cut our grocery bill by a third using her system (not sure why I got off on that). Oh, all to say, I had "prepared" for my trip to the store -

my plan was to first stop at the front desk and buy the Store Advertised Special of Buy a $50 Amex Card and get a $10 Publix card free. Free is a good word around our house...humbling, but good. I would then shop and pay for my groceries using the Amex card and the Publix card for a deal. As I entered the store with Lila Jane in the buggy, I gazed at her...

and saw Brock's face!

I was just there with him as my shopping buddy...with every passerby stopping to speak and say "how cute!"

Then I went to the front desk. I told the lady I wanted to buy the Amex card special, and she matter of factly replied, "We are all out of those." I tell you all of this because I think it is always amusing what little thing triggers my emotional flood. I turned around from the desk and absolutely lost it.

Did she know how I had prepared before coming here?!

Did she know what an emotional battle every time it is for me to come to the place that holds so many memories?!

Did she know when I walk around the store and see every Mom with her "almost 3 year old" that I long for my boy whose in Heaven?!

Did she know I took her words as total rejection and jumped head first into my own pity party?!

At first I thought about leaving the store, but I slowly kept putting one foot in front of the other. I couldn't hold back the tears, so I pretended to be very interested in the pork chops. I held it together as I puttered around the produce section. I even visited with a neighbor. I am sure I covered it up well enough that she didn't even know I had just been crying and was currently bawling on the inside.

...on to the meat department where they did not have the size I wanted. More tears for my party. Oops, then came another friend. I quickly wiped the tears. Talked small talk. Then we parted, wishing each other:

Happy Mother's Day

...(gasp) the hurts won't stop! I make it around to the goldfish isle and lose it again. This time thinking so much about Brock that I want to grab Lila Jane, abandon my buggy, and run crying to my car. I dried it up to make it to the checkout with my favorite cashier, Marie. She handed me my receipt. We both celebrated my saving $48. She then gave me a big hug. My tears burned my eyes as I walked to my car.

When I got home. I shared my experience with Drew. He held me as I cried some more. I told him that I did not remember being so emotional on other Mother's Day's. He prayed for me and specifically asked for comfort for my hurting heart.

Moments later, we headed out to round up the boys from here and yonder. We checked the mail; this is something we never do. Our habit is to check it when we return home, not upon leaving. I was driving. Drew opened an envelope addressed to me. As he read, he got choked up, and I almost had to pull over because I could not see through my tears. It was a note from a sweet "distant" friend that prays for me and reads my blog. She had enclosed a picture that she had received, yet the Lord told her to give it to me. She wrote, "I pray this picture blesses you and comforts you." The word comforts was underlined.

Just like what Drew had just prayed for, comfort it did! I am so glad she was obedient to the Lord.




The picture reminded me that, even though I had hid some of my tears from different people in the grocery store, God saw every one of them. They were not lost on the spotted tile floor of Publix.

I am once again overwhelmed by God's nearness to my broken heart. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

I am overwhelmed by His compassion to notice and see me. "You are the God who sees me." Gen 16:13

I stand in awe of His attention to every detail of my life.

A Girl Named Lila Jane

A few days after she was born, my computer page had this banner:


She certainly has changed our world. We are head over heels in love. She has brought pink to every room in our home!


When she wears a new outfit, she has caused even big brothers to say in a high-pitched voice, "Aww! She looks sooo cute."


She has them wrapped around her finger.


Love bridges the gap between their years.

She is so easy going. Or should I say, she goes with us everywhere:


She is such a good baby. She smiles at everyone. She will melt your heart when she looks into your eyes.


She has brought us so much joy. When we look at her, we are reminded of God's love and kindness to us. She didn't replace Brockie. She didn't take away the grief. She does lend her head to catch my tears. She lends her cheek when I need to remember a kiss.


She has been with us for 4 months now.


...she still feels so new!

She loves her big brothers' shoulders just as much as her Mommy and Daddy's. Barrett can carry her just like the rest of us.


This thrills him.

Her latest trick...she has found her tongue:


She tries to smile with it still sticking out when we say, "I see your tongue."

She loves to play with her toys:


Although she does not get to play too long by herself.



She loves to eat, uh, I mean kiss her dolly.


She has grown now to 14 lbs and 25-1/2 inches tall. We wish she could stay our baby doll forever.


She has been sleeping through the night for a while now.


She is precious. She has changed our world. And...


...something tells me she knows that she has.

January 31, 2010

The sky was blue,
the sun was warm,
the air was crisp.
The laughter was plenty,
the hugs were good,
the prayers were many.
The tears fell,
the friends were there,
the memories were sweet.
The peace was felt,
the love was shared,
The boy was missed.
The moon is full.


God showed Himself in so many ways to us today,
Thank you for remembering. Thanks for praying.

For Now

It is 4:00 pm


on a Thursday


in January


The memories are flooding


I miss him!

Could you read my mind? Have you gotten all the posts I have thought of in my head? I wish I had a USB port from my brain so that every time I sit to nurse I could download all the thoughts I would love to share with you. Thank you for being patient as we all adjust to Lila Jane's schedule. So, if you don't mind, I am going to do quite a bit of "retro-blogging" because there are so many things I want to tell you.

Last weekend, our sweet girl (born into a family of all boys) starred in her first acting role...as a boy! Not just any boy though. If you are going to have to play a boy...at least she got the best one.

Lila Jane was Baby Jesus in the Christmas Festival at our church. The Christmas Festival is the Sanctuary choir and Orchestra's concert with some narration, drama, dancing and other media. I had to laugh when I told the boys that on Wednesday she was going to the church for practice. Mason said, "Why does she need to practice being a baby?" I think he had a point, but none the less, it all paid off because she was just perfect in her role.

Lila Jane was on stage for two songs. The first song was called Son of God. Kelly from our church's dance ministry did an interpretation of an angel in celebratory worship of God's Son. It was beautiful. As she danced around Mary and Baby Jesus, it made you think of the joy the angels had at Jesus' birth. Then she reached down and took Jesus from Mary's arms.


As she twirled around and lifted Jesus back up toward the heavens, you were drawn into the awe of worship that all of Heaven must have felt at the glory of His birth.


The next song was a continuation of "Hallelujahs" as the shepherds came to visit. Then a children's ensemble joined the adult choir as they first ran on to see and touch Baby Jesus.


It was a great visual of the Christ-child coming for the shepherds long ago but also coming for us today. A humble reminder of, "Do I receive Him with the same excitement that shone on the children's faces?" The final scene was Mary standing and raising Jesus up with a look of dedication and recognition that this baby was God's.

Watching Lila Jane on stage brought up so many emotions. You see, Brock also played Baby Jesus when he was about 4 weeks old in our choir's performance of The Easter Story.

Brock 2005

For a brief moment the grief almost overwhelmed me as I thought...wait a minute! Yes, I was just here with him and we were just starting out and now....where is he?! And then, in the way it has gone since Lila Jane's birth, the joy over what God has done in giving her to us flooded right in with the grief...

together...

existing at the same time...

one not stealing anything from the other.

The emotions are hard to describe. I wish you could have been there. I tried to take pictures, but my tears were making everything blurry. I was caught wanting to capture it through a lens and soaking the moment all in. Drew and I sang for years in this choir. We were out for what was supposed to be a short break. Then Brock died.

They are still family to us. So many of the people on stage have cried and faithfully prayed with us in our journey. Many commented they so vividly remembered Brock playing the role. Many told me, "Thank you for sharing Lila Jane with us." However, to "share" her seemed so fitting after all the love and support they have given us.



There was a holy hush, though there were voices singing, when Lila Jane was first on stage. Seeing her there, we were all completely overwhelmed by God's grace and goodness. I am of course, in no way, comparing her to Jesus, but I think it was one of those glimpses from Heaven that God gives us so that we can better understand in a tiny way the emotions described in His word. For a moment...

to see how the angels danced and rejoiced,

how the hosts sang,

how the shepherds saw,

and how Mary held all that she had been told.

That night, Lila Jane was with us - all of us who had cried tears from heartache over Brock's death. All of us who had prayed for healing. All of us who had prayed over my pregnancy and the safe arrival of this baby. All these things were woven together as we saw her there. It strengthened us in our faith.

Finally, each time she was lifted up I whispered to myself, "Oh God, she is yours."


*The program will be broadcast on Atlanta television on WATL Channel 36, December 25th at noon.*

One of Those Days

Ever had one of those days where you are completely overwhelmed by God's goodness?!
Amazed at His kindness.
In awe of His faithfulness.
A day where you see the Holy Spirit working out details only He could orchestrate.
A day where you are so tired and empty...yet you are sustained from being on a spiritual high.
A day where you close it out crying tears of Joy with dozens of people that have prayed with you through grief and joy.

I just had one of those days. God is Good.

Home

We have been home now for a week. We are beginning to get into a little routine. Feed Lila Jane, change Lila Jane, and hold Lila Jane. She is very content. Of course, she is never put down.

My recovery is going well. I am feeling well. Friends are taking care of us by filling up our Care Calender with meals to bring. I thought I would share a few more photos.

Lila Jane came home from the hospital in the outfit that all her older brothers wore. She did wear a pink one-sie underneath, instead of a blue one, of course.

Her daddy won on this one saying that tradition was more important than fashion...we will see how long that holds!

Barrett brought Brock's "Buddy" (teddy bear) to the hospital with the passed down Big Brother shirt. Barrett had said a while back, "This would be Brock's now." Before leaving the hospital, we sat Buddy beside Lila Jane.

She was hungry and reached up and looked just like she was giving Brock's bear a kiss. Drew and I melted into a puddle of tears.

At home we have had lots of fun. She is adored by all her brothers...and especially her Daddy. In this picture, I love Drew's gray hair. It reminds me of God's great plans that we could never have imagined. I am reminded of Sarah's laugh when God told Abraham she would bear a child in her old age (See Genesis 18). I had to try hard to control my emotions the other day when I had just finished nursing and looked through the mail to find I had received a notice about needing a mammogram.


If you haven't yet heard Steven Curtis Chapman's new album, Beauty Will Rise. It is wonderful. So many people mentioned his song Heaven is the Face to us. Our friends Brad and Shannon gave us the CD. The title song Beauty will Rise is gorgeous. This picture reminds us that yes - out of our ashes, Beauty has come.


Oh, I could just eat her up!

After I took this picture, I picked Lila Jane up and just sat and rocked. I was looking at her with that new mother amazement that she was "ours." My heart was so full. Then before I could stop them, tears were streaming down my cheek. So close to my joy over Lila Jane came grief over Brock. I long to see his reaction over Lila Jane. I was overwhelmed with wishing they both could be here with me. I gently heard the Lord whisper, "One day, they will be, one day!"

Oh God. Hold me close til then.

Brock's Room

As I woke this morning I thought how the raindrops matched the puddle of tears we cried last night. Since so many of you have prayed for us concerning Brock's room, I wanted to let you know that we did get in there last night. All five of us were in the room. We worked, we cried, we worked some more and we cried some more.

We held each other close as we felt the Lord with us. I kept thinking....out of intense pain comes intense joy. I whispered "Lord, I give you my pain, please redeem it for your glory." Many times I was unable to do anything but just stand there and look at the memories hanging on hangers. There was the little cast from Brock's broken arm, the first Halloween costume, the diaper bag with his name monogrammed, his first pair of shoes and then there was the bag that I asked Drew to wait for a few minutes before he picked it up.

The pain was intense. The cries came from deep aching places in our hearts. They came hard and fast, just like the flood waters we've experienced lately. As our hands touched each belonging of Brock's, one of us would chime in to say what it reminded us of. Then Drew opened the bag with the funeral home logo on the front. He literally gasped. I knew what was in the bag, but he did not remember. In the bag were the clothes that the EMT's cut off of Brock to give him proper medical help. In one second, we were all there on that afternoon that would change our lives. Remembering he had become a man in a moment as he called his Dad on the phone to tell him something was wrong, Asa asked Drew what he did when he received that call at work. The kids and I had all been here with our different experiences, yet one in the same, but Drew was at work. He recalled to all of us his emotion as he received Asa's call. We cried some more.

The kids would play with toys and then jump up to join in a group hug as Drew and I would be overcome with grief. There were several times I wanted to scream but didn't want to remind the kids of that afternoon. Oh God, redeem my pain.

I had resolved myself that we would just not get to the room until after the baby got here. Drew encouraged me last night and said he really felt like it was something we needed to do. Looking back, I think it was a "good" thing. It allowed us as a family to get out some of the emotions that were building inside. I think it will allow us to more authentically experience the joy the Lord has in store for us. I am thankful we had the time as a family. I had always envisioned it would be me by myself with Drew's help. Once again showing me that God's plans are not my plans. He knew just what we needed.

I was reading this article on the Psalms of Lament. It pointed out how the Psalms do such an incredible job of showing us how to express our grief to God and then move toward a place of hope as we find thanksgiving, sometimes even when the crisis is still present. I know that our grief for the loss of Brock will not end tomorrow. Yet, we are praising Him for the indescribable gift of this new life. The article went on to point out that the movement from grief to joy was not just a physical or psychological process but was a "profoundly" spiritual journey. I totally agree. We have felt the Lord again so intensely lately. We have seen Him working in amazing ways. We have been blessed once again by the encouragement and prayers of His people. We know
He is holding us and moving us forward toward Joy. We praise him for what He is doing.

Experiencing this Grief along side of Joy has been very hard to describe in words. Today as two sweet friends came by the house to pray over me, Joan mentioned in her prayer that this grief with joy is exactly what the Gospel is all about. She has no idea how many times I've thought about those words throughout the day. God's son Jesus was even described as the 'man of sorrows' in the Bible. His death was cruel and brutal, especially for an innocent man. His followers were looking for a King-leader and experienced great sadness at seeing Him brutally beaten and hung on a criminal's cross. Placed in the tomb, it seemed that all was lost yet three days later there was joy as Jesus conquered death and rose from the grave. He did all this for you and for me. He did this so that we could live eternally with Him in Heaven. Grief and Joy, side by side.

Thank you for praying as we continue to remind ourselves that Jesus has given Brockie a new room....just as He said, "In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you." John 14:2

Pink or Blue?

Pink....

or Blue......??

We are getting close to knowing. The excitement is building around here. All our emotions are actually in full swing. Drew & I are experiencing grief and joy all at the same time. The intensity lately has been hard to handle.

People are still asking if we know what the baby is. While it has been the most photographed(by sonogram) baby we have had, the answer is still...no. But soon we will know. I will admit that on some days the not knowing has gotten the best of me. I went to one of my sonogram appointments by myself and I have to say I was a little tempted for the lady to just tell me. I don't think I could have kept it to myself, though, so I closed my eyes at the right time.

Many have asked what I feel it is. In the beginning I thought it was a boy. Then I went through a girl phase for about two months. Now I am back to feeling that it is a boy! I think that is all I can imagine bringing home from the hospital. Drew actually also feels that it is a boy. All the boys think it is a boy; however, Asa said he wished it was a girl but thinks it is a boy.

I am so glad that God decides and not us. I can trust that He knows just what we need to continue on the journey of healing. I can think of things about either sex that would be great and also things that would hurt. Just as each of our children are unique in their own ways, I could see that having another little boy to love would be just great. I have already wondered if he would have mannerisms or looks that would remind me of Brock. To see the hand me down clothes again would be sweet or would it hurt as a constant reminder of the last little boy that was in the middle of wearing them.

A little girl would be very different and not have the reminders, obviously, that a boy would have with Brock. Mason said he just can't see us with a girl. He said, "What would we do?!" I assured him that I could figure it out. But the thought that a little girl came into our family after Brock's death is also a little painful.

See how complicated?! I am glad God is in charge of my life and not me. I know that He had this planned long before Brock's birth or death. I know that He is walking with us and that any hurt He will touch and heal. I know that on Wednesday, when we see what He's been up to, we will be filled with Joy. I know that any emotions that flood over us, He will be right there holding us.

So now the interactive portion of my blog: your turn! Post a comment...what do you think it is?
Thank you for continuing to lift us up in prayer. We need it. My love,
Nita

Fear - less

*****Congratulations to Commenter Lyn! She won the necklace from Jennypickle Designs.

Currently I am reading Max Lucado's new book Fearless. I am in a small Bible Study Group with some ladies. I was unable to attend on the day we picked the book for our study but chuckled with God when they told me they selected Fearless.

Fears...something God has been teaching be about. This summer, I had a lot of time to myself. I called it my summer of solitude. It was one of those things where all the boys would get invited off all at the same time. Drew and the boys also played a little golf this summer, which left me alone in the house. The quietness of the house was one of the hardest things to get used to when Brock died. At first this summer, I thought, "What can I get done while the kids are gone?" But, more and more, I kept finding myself just sitting and sitting. The fact that my ever growing belly made bending over not so easy didn't help either. Knowing that the Lord plans my days, I finally acknowledged that He had planned this time for me to be alone...with Him.

I guess I wasn't alone after all! He began teaching me so much about myself. I was caught in a tight grip of fear. After Brock died, many people would relate to me their own fears having the unthinkable happen to one of their children. I remember telling a friend, "I don't think there is anything I fear anymore." Any event that could happen now would seem to pale in comparison. I have walked through the darkest valley and felt and seen God with me the entire way. I knew He would be there and be bigger than anything I could face. But as so often I do, as time moved on, really after I was pregnant with this baby, I let fear and worry creep back in. I know God says "Remember.. ." in the Bible all those times just for me. I found that my fears were blocking my memory of what God had done. My fears were telling me that having a healthy pregnancy and baby were not for me. Interesting how fears are real close to lies.

I found myself holding out on trusting God until I could see that everything was going to be okay. Believe me, that is no way to live. I need Him too much and I can't afford to let my fears stand in the way of receiving everything He can pour into me. So I am still learning...



This past week, the chapter I read in Fearless was the one entitled, My Child is in Danger...Fear of not Protecting My Kids. I took a deep breath before I read this one. The fear of not protecting my kids rises up in me every time one of them falls down, cries, gets sick or has a fever. One of the monumental days in my grieving was when I vocalized the fear that I had let Brock down and not done enough to help him. Healing and freedom came when I handed it over to Jesus. I have learned, as C.S Lewis said, that "I never knew that grief looked so much like fear".

I have also learned that God is patient with me and my fears. He wants to hear each one of them. He wants me to keep talking with him and never take any of my fears as truth. And, when I come to Him and hand them to Jesus, they tend to wash away like water in His nail-scarred hands.

As I read the chapter in the book, I cried and I wept. I felt as if my familiarity with the subject was far too strange. I wailed out loud as I cried, "Why couldn't Brock have just been asleep?!" like Jairus' daughter (Read Luke 40-56). "Now all wept and mourned for her; but He [Jesus] said, 'Do not weep; she is not dead, but sleeping' ". Luke 52-54.

Lucado reminds us in this chapter of God's heart toward hurting parents. No matter what the plea is for your child...bullying, mistreatment, mocking, being taken advantage of, suffering, He wants to hear it. He understands because after all He was Jesus' Father. But, because of His great Love for us, did not spare His own Son but gave Him for us all (Romans 8:32)

Lucado tells a sweet story of the first night home with his daughter as he was up doing night duty so his wife could sleep. Overcome with the thought of being this baby's father and taking care of her, he remembered the story of Abraham and Issac. (Genesis 22:1-18) He literally raised her blanket wrapped little body straight up in the air as he stood their in his pj's. He uttered, "I can't raise this girl, I confess...but you can. I give her back to you." What a sweet picture.

He also talks about, "Wise are the parents who regularly give their children back to God." It is so important to give them regularly, if not daily, over to the Lord. I remember in the months of intense grief shortly after Brock died, thinking on this thought of giving my children over to the Lord. I would have said, "Of course, I have given them to the Lord. They are His." Those words were easier said than done when you experience a child "taken" from you.

We were so grateful that we had even one day with Brock. We recognized what a gift each one of his days were. I was intensely aware that even though this pain in my heart is excruciating because of my love for Brock, that there was One who loved him far more than me. The One he was with now. I realized in a way, unlike before, that he was the Lord's...all along! I had just been given the awesome privilege of hearing him call me Mommy.

An interesting thing happens when we give our children back to the Lord. It is almost as if He gives them even more to us. We enjoy them fully and don't take our fears out on them. I remember praying in that time after Brock's death, as I had to physically let go of him so abruptly, "Lord help me to fully let go of him and trust that you have him." The Lord comforted me with the thought that one day when I arrive in Heaven and fall at Jesus' feet, praising Him for what He has done for me, that He will then lift my head and say, "Here is Brock, he is yours for eternity. "

In the discussion guide in the book, Lucado gives these scriptures as ones to use to battle fears over your children. I looked them up on Bible Gateway and searched the different translations to see which one I liked. This is what I'll be thinking on for the weekend. I have included my thoughts in parenthesis. Have a great weekend...enjoying your children...fully and fearless!


Deuteronomy 4:40 (New International Version)

⁴⁰ Keep his decrees and commands, which I am giving you today, so that it may go well with you and your children after you and that you may live long in the land the LORD your God gives you for all time.

(The land the Lord gives me for all time…Thank you Lord for Heaven made possible by your son Jesus so all my children and I may dwell together for eternity.)

Deuteronomy 5:29 (The Message)

^28-29 God heard what you said to me and told me, "I've heard what the people said to you. They're right—good and true words. What I wouldn't give if they'd always feel this way, continuing to revere me and always keep all my commands; they'd have a good life forever, they and their children!

(God knows I am prone to wander and I fail daily at keeping His commands. Oh, how He longs for me, just like I want what is best for my children, to stay focused on Him and His Word)

Deuteronomy 30:19 (New Living Translation)

¹⁹ “Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!

(Heaven and Earth see my choices. Today…I have the choice each day to choose life or death. My choices today will impact the children that come long after me…I want to leave a legacy.)

Psalm 37:25 (New American Standard Bible)
²⁵I have been young and now I am old,
Yet ^(A)I have not seen the righteous forsaken
Or ^(B)his descendants begging bread.

(Crushed maybe, but not forsaken)

Proverbs 20:7 (The Message)
⁷ God-loyal people, living honest lives,
make it much easier for their children.

(Funny, so many of these verses have to deal with me. Often I think that if my children would behave or stop doing this or that, I would not fall short so often. Lord change me.)

Acts 2:38-39 (New Living Translation)

³⁸ Peter replied, “Each of you must repent of your sins and turn to God, and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. Then you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. ³⁹ This promise is to you, and to your children, and even to the Gentiles^[a]—all who have been called by the Lord our God.”

(Through this whole journey of Brock’s death, I have seen God be Savior and Comforter to my children. Most importantly, being Lord to them; not through mine and Drew’s faith, but through their faith. God, through the Holy Spirit, whispered truth to them, love to them and promises to them. He has shown me that He cares for them and loves them far more than I ever could.)

5 eggs, An Anniversary and a Give-Away

A few weeks ago God used another one of His people to encourage me. A sweet friend, Meade, and her two precious girls brought me by a little "happy." She is actually a sorority sister of mine (although I am a few years older) and the wife of a fraternity brother of Drew's. She and her husband, Cale, have been one of many couples that have faithfully prayed for us, supported us and encouraged us since Brock's death. They are precious to us. She gave me a beautiful necklace. When I opened it in front of her, I was almost speechless. I was able to hold it together until she left. I then went to my room, sat down in my chair and just cried. I did not cry because her gift made me sad; I cried because once again, God encouraged me in the perfect way at the perfect time. At the time, I found myself in some intense grief over Brock. I was missing him so desperately. The reality of the new baby had also hit. I found myself in such a strange place of being sad over Brock's life that seemed to leave our family too soon, yet wanting to be joyful over this little life that is about to join our family very soon.

As I pulled the necklace out of the bag, Meade pointed out to me that it had five eggs in the nest to represent my five children. The necklace was beautiful. I adored it immediately. It is so delicately hand crafted by Jenny. But, what I loved even more, was the thought that there was an egg for each of my children. This was really the first acknowledgment by someone, other than us and my obstetrician, of us having 5 children. Sitting in my chair moments later, God reminded me that yes I do have 5 children by His blessing. This seemed to be exactly what my heart needed to hear.

I often have a hard time describing my feelings of deep grief. As I lay it at Jesus' feet, I trust that the Holy Spirit interprets my motherly groans just as He promised in Romans 8:26 - In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Sometimes I never do get the right words to put with the emotions, but I know when He brings me peace to the situation. He reminded me of the Hope of seeing Brock again and that just because he was no longer seen (or heard) here, he was still mine. With the addition of this new baby, I would have 5 children, not 4 again. He showed me that each one of the freshwater pearls is unique and precious in its on way; so are my children. God's plan for each one of them also is different, and I will love them in different ways. My love for Brock will continue and it will not be threatened by my love for this new baby. The birth of this new baby will bring us joy, not pain.

A year ago this week, I started this blog. It felt so...unlike me. I still struggle with fears before I post any entry. God has blessed me in so many ways through this "strange" outlet as I step out and trust Him each time. So many of you encourage me greatly through your comments, whether you post on the blog, send me an email, or just tell me when you see me. God uses you more than you'll ever know!

So...to celebrate my blogaversary (with a word I made up), I am having a give-away. Jenny of jennypickle designs has generously agreed to donate a "Mother's necklace" to one of the readers of my blog. She is also a mother who has lost a child and is greatly honored to do this. She will custom make it just for you with the number of eggs you want in your nest.

So I will open the comments up to this give-away. I know many of you have told me you don't know how to comment. Just click on the word "comments" at the end of the post. If you have a gmail account, you can use that. If you have a blogger account you can use that. If not just comment as anonymous and then be sure to sign your name. The code they ask you to verify is just so Blogger can make sure that you are real and not some computer spam.

When you comment, I thought it would be fun to have everyone answer the question of, "How many eggs would be in your nest?" I realize not everyone of you are moms. If you don't have children, you could answer how many children were in your family growing up. I also realize that some of you are waiting desperately for God to bless you with a child; please know that I have already prayed for you. You might include one precious egg in your nest as an acknowledgment of the desire you have and the hope you have for the Lord's timing in your life.

So let the fun begin. I will put the names in a hat and let the boys draw one for me this Thursday night after 9pm, eastern time. If you don't win, be sure to still check out Jenny's store anyway...AND drop a hint for those buying you a Christmas present or buy one yourself for a special mom that you know.

Family Of Faith

This was a video our church did a couple of months ago when our pastor was doing a sermon on The Family of Faith. I am so thankful for our Family of Faith at our church and especially the "extended" family that God has blessed us with throughout life and this blog.

I feel that we are in a place of being very needy again. Believe me when you have received so many blessings from you sweet people as we have, it is with a little bit of hesitancy that I even ask for more. But, I am always so encouraged by your prayers, that I have come to know I need them. God also reminded me that prayer is one of the ways He involves us in His work. It is a way we get to show His love to others. So if you have some extra time, would you once again include us in your prayer time? Yes, I know many of you have never stopped praying for us. I am humbled and appreciative.


Some specific things we have coming our way: I have prayed that God would show me the right time for me to go through Brock's room. I have not packed away one thing of his since he died. We have all enjoyed his room as all of us spend time in there. I have found each of the boys in there playing with his toys, hugging his teddy bear, lying on his bed or praying in his room. We have all enjoyed having that "place" in our home that reminds us of the years we had with Brock. It is a wierd sort of thing...all the things that I would have easily gotten rid of if Brock were here now have some attachment as each one provokes a precious memory when I see it. Am I afraid that those memories will go if I let go of the things? I guess I need to ask God about that so He can show me.

There have been stages of letting go; I am sure this is another level I must go through. I recall the boys questions, when we found out we were again pregnant, about which room would be the baby's room. I seemed to answer so easily then. Well now that the time is drawing close, it is getting harder for me. I know that my anxious thoughts don't include God walking through each step of the process with me. I know He will be there and will guide me in ways I can't think of. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. Isaiah 55:8" We have a bassinet that goes in our bedroom for when the boys are tiny, so I know that if preparing the room does not happen before the baby is born, he/she will at least have a place to sleep.

I would like to take Brock's clothes and make a quilt for each of the boys. This complicates the issue of cleaning out the room as I feel I will need to decide which clothes I want to cut up and which ones I want to leave whole, so that when I look at them, I can remember Brock's size. Pray for that process and someone to do the quilting as I wish I could do it myself, but I can't.

We are not very close on the name for this baby. We have many opinions now as all the boys are older and it is not just Drew and me picking the name. Pray we will all come to agreement.

Drew's business continues to do well but needs to grow more. We have been blessed, but the economy is causing a number of his clients to go out of business, which impacts us. Please pray as we trust the Lord to provide.

I had a Dr's appointment yesterday. I learned two weeks ago that I have gestational diabetes. I have never had this before with my other pregnancies. So far it has not been too hard to adjust my diet to keep it in control. At my appointment yesterday, they took another look at the baby. The baby is doing just great. Praise God! Please pray for continued health for the baby and me.

The official due date is November 11, 2009. I will have a C-section. Please pray for Dr. Hirsch and the delivery.

Y'all are wonderful!! Thank you for letting me share here. If I can pray for you, please leave a comment or send me an email. I would be honored to return the blessing.

Still here...

Hey y'all! I have been thinking and praying for you a bunch. I am so sorry I have not written lately. I could give you a long list of excuses but basically life has been moving at warp speed. I am still trying to sort out many things like my wide range of emotions. Matter of fact, I have several posts already typed and in my mind BUT I am just not ready to hit the "publish" button yet.

I have not forgotten about my blog or you sweet people who check in with us here. God has used many of you also during my time of "little writing" this summer to encourage me to keep going. While I am full of emotions still in the second year of our grief (and being pregnant on top of that!) God has been teaching me many things about myself and Him. I find it hard to write about these things until I feel I have sorted through them.

As I was asking God where to serve this fall, He made it very clear that one was "in my home" and the other was "this blog." So I will be here sharing what God is doing as I run to Him.

Updates from our "Living Hard"

The question of casual conversation these days seems to be, " Did you have a good summer?" Our summer was great with a mix of fast and slow. With the poor economy, we knew we were not able to take a vacation like we did last year, so I got a crazy idea to write out our blessings on one of our interior glass doors. I thought as we walked by them daily it would remind us each time to give thanks. I also hoped it would minimize our whining. I bought some Crayola Glass Markers and wrote at the top of the door, "Summer Fun." I left the markers close by and asked the boys to write things they were thankful for that they got to do this summer.

Some of the things that made the lists were:

White Water Passes - Bought with $ Grandparents gave them for good grades.

Playing Uno on the back porch after dinner.

Travel Baseball Tournaments.

'Man Hunt' at friends' homes.

Growing a Garden.

Beach Trip - Mason was invited for a week to the beach with a friend - What a blessing!

Playing Golf with Daddy and Daddy Curt as Caddies.

Hollie's Wedding

Chasing down the ice cream man.

Sleep Overs.

Picking Melons from the field.

Selling watermelons.

It worked! We had a blessed summer indeed, and we relived each joy as we would see them on the door. We enjoyed our exercise in thankfulness so much that I may have to put up "Fall Blessings" as we anticipate more wonderful blessings.

We officially started school three weeks ago. We are off to a good start! The two bigger boys go out for classes two days a week. They are at home for three days. Barrett is at home with me doing 2nd grade. For those interested, we are using Sonlight's Year 2 Curriculum, studying the the fall of Rome to the present.

We did have several painful goodbyes this summer that happened around the same week. Our sweet 16- year old dog, Josie, died. After you have had a child die, the death of a pet is completely in perspective. However, Josie had been around for so long. It was sad thinking of all the life that had passed with her around. She was a great dog that we got from the Humane Society. I have pictures of her with each of the boys. The boys even joked that she may just stick around for the new baby.

Another tearful hug goodbye came when our house cleaner told me she had to go back to Brazil to look after her sick father. She was here the afternoon Brock died; she stood over me and wailed and prayed in Portuguese. We also stood tearfully at the grave of one of Mason's baseball coaches who, at only 39, died suddenly, leaving behind his wife and two young boys. The sadness over these things seemed to do just like grief does...it digs up other unresolved grief emotions. Or, maybe it is the change of "seasons" as that always seems to send me sailing on the waves of grief.

Yes, just like before, the change of seasons seems to have taken me under a bit. I am not sure if it is that as soon as I get used to surviving one season, then another one comes. The new season brings reminders of all the things we did when Brock was here during that time of year. These reminders bring up that deep hurt, more than just the ones I live with daily. Or... is it that as I went down the list of things that the boys needed for school, I felt like there should be one more list to think of? Or... perhaps it is that as everything is changing, I feel as if my hurt and ache are still there somewhat unchanged by the passage of time yet moved on by the days of the calendar. Either way it is what it is ....grief. Some days I sit in it, some days I stand and other days I walk, but everyday I give it to Jesus and ask Him to hold me as I Love Hard on those I still have days on earth with. I ask him to fill me with Hope for the days I will spend with Him in eternity.

Oh, it feels good to be back here with you! Thanks for all your prayers and support. I will post again soon. I promise...

Celebrate!

***Update: For those of you that told me you couldn't wait to see the rest of the pictures from Hollie's wedding.....they are up on the photographer's blog at Vue Photography. There are two posts here and here so do not miss any of the gorgeous photos*******




This past weekend we celebrated the wedding of our niece, Hollie to her man, Wesley. We traveled outside of Athens to a gorgeous place called Tucker Plantation. The property has an old barn that they have renovated for special occasions. Hollie and Wesley have known each other all their lives. They grew up across the street from one another. They started dating in the 10th grade. Friday Night's rehearsal dinner was a celebration of each of their lives and their families.



Wesley's mom pointed out during her toast the legacy of commitment each of them had from their grandparents and parents. There is over 200 years of marriage between them. How precious and how rare! What a great heritage of commitment and faithfulness as each of the couples have chosen to make the Lord the center of their marriages.

Saturday's Bridesmaids Luncheon was a celebration of friendship.


With her grandmothers, aunts, sister, Mom and soon to be grandmother in laws, mother in laws and sister in law all by her, Hollie told her bridesmaids through smiles...


and tears how much they meant to her.

They celebrated relationships that had been strong through many ups and downs for many years.

Saturday night's wedding was a celebration of love.
It began with the Chiming of the Hour being played by our 3rd son, Barrett.


He did a great job and was sooo precious. We were awfully proud of him.

In memory of Brock, the ring bearer and flower girl walked down the aisle to Jesus Loves Me. Then Drew and I sang a beautiful song by Matthew West called When I Say I Do.

Asa, Mason, & Barrett played the part of the handsome cousins. They played the part well!

As the minister spoke, he reminded the happy couple of how body language is usually one of the first ways we let others know we love them. Our hands holding and hugging. From their parents who first reached out to hold them, to coaches, teachers, ministers, friends, and families whose hands all had influences on their lives. He reminded them of their hands that hold one another and now wear these rings of commitment. Then he talked about the hands that stretched out on a cross for them, bled for them and now will hold them and guide them through better or worse.

I had braced myself for the weekend...family gatherings are still so bittersweet as I wish so desperately that Brock were there joining all the fun with us.


The Lord kept reminding me that what I was experiencing in this celebration is just a foretaste of what Brock is experiencing now and what we will experience together forever.

This summer I read a book called, Your God is Too Safe. In it Mark Buchanan has a chapter entitled, Let's Party. He talks about the discipline of JOY. As Christians, we have joy in our hearts from knowing Christ and what He did for us. He calls it a discipline because"true celebration is deciding purposefully to rejoice and make every effort to do so." He says, "We celebrate in order to tear back the veil that keeps us from seeing heaven."


The Old Testament is full of God commanding his people to celebrate. There were feasts of all kinds from Harvest, Unlevened Bread and Passover to name a few. These were celebrations that lasted for long periods of time. And someday soon, Believers are promised a grand feast fulfilled when Christ, our groom, returns. If you do not know Him, He invites you to the party too!

Paul reminds us all over the New Testament to Rejoice in the Lord always... (Philippians 4:4) He writes, Be joyful always (Philippians 5:16). Jesus gave us His Joy so that our Joy might be complete. (John 15:11) Jesus' first miracle was turning water to wine at a wedding celebration so that the party could go on.



I kept thinking throughout the weekend of Jesus referring to himself as the bridegroom awaiting expectantly to come for his bride, the church. What a beautiful illustration as I watched Hollie and Wesley all weekend with the expectation and delight of taking each other as Bride and Groom.

On Sunday before we left town we went back to Tucker Plantation to help Hollie's parents, my brother Mike and his wife Kathy, take down and gather decorations. We had a great time with just my family - my sister, her husband, all my nieces and nephews, and even my great nephew were also there. Hollie and Wesley even came as they didn't leave for their honeymoon until Monday morning. There are kids of all ages in my family. It is always so much fun to see them all interact with one another. My boys have a blast with their "older" cousins. But once again, my heart ached as I wished Brock were there to giggle and laugh as a cousin tickled him while he was being held upside down.

His cackle was contagious; how I long to hear it again! His crooked smile was mischievous; how I long to see it again!


We had a great time as we worked and recalled the fun of the wedding celebration. Sort of like an after party. When we finished working, we even pulled out the food the caterer left in the fridge and enjoyed wedding leftovers.


When we got home that night the boys asked me if I ever got sad when I had to leave my family. I told them of how I usually cry the length of the road that leads to the interstate from my parent's house. They admitted that they felt a little let down from all the fun of the weekend. I reminded them that what we had experienced was a taste of Heaven and that when we all get there it will be sooo much better, and we will never have to say goodbye or stop the celebration!

Buchanan closes his chapter with a quote from a scene in C. S. Lewis', The Last Battle of Chronicles of Narnia. As the children have arrived in Narnia after a loud noise from the train they were riding...

Aslan turned to them and said: "You do not look so happy as I mean you to be." Lucy said, "We're so afraid of being sent away, Aslan.... you have sent us back to our own world so often." "No fear of that," said Aslan "have you not guessed?" Their hearts leapt and a wild hope rose within them. "There was a real railway accident," said Aslan softly. "Your father and mother and all of you are - as you used to say-dead. The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream has ended: THIS is the morning."

Oh, what a morning that will be!

....so let us throw off everything that hinders.. and let us run ...the race marked out for us - that we might endure and not lose heart and not grow weary. {paraphrase of Heb. 12:2}

Let's Celebrate!!!