January 31, 2010

The sky was blue,
the sun was warm,
the air was crisp.
The laughter was plenty,
the hugs were good,
the prayers were many.
The tears fell,
the friends were there,
the memories were sweet.
The peace was felt,
the love was shared,
The boy was missed.
The moon is full.


God showed Himself in so many ways to us today,
Thank you for remembering. Thanks for praying.

One of Those Days

Ever had one of those days where you are completely overwhelmed by God's goodness?!
Amazed at His kindness.
In awe of His faithfulness.
A day where you see the Holy Spirit working out details only He could orchestrate.
A day where you are so tired and empty...yet you are sustained from being on a spiritual high.
A day where you close it out crying tears of Joy with dozens of people that have prayed with you through grief and joy.

I just had one of those days. God is Good.

Blessings

Blessing.....Pink Edition.

For All Things Pink....


Pink Lips...

Pink Laundry....

Pink Flowers....

(The only flowers blooming in our yard right now are pink roses and camellias.)

Pink Bows....

Pink Smiles...



Pink Cards from well wishing friends.....


Oh, and who can forget....Pink Christmas Trees.

We give you Thanks, Oh Lord!

Father, we are tickled pink with your indescribable gift. You are so good! You have lavished us with blessings. We are grateful. Thank you!

5 eggs, An Anniversary and a Give-Away

A few weeks ago God used another one of His people to encourage me. A sweet friend, Meade, and her two precious girls brought me by a little "happy." She is actually a sorority sister of mine (although I am a few years older) and the wife of a fraternity brother of Drew's. She and her husband, Cale, have been one of many couples that have faithfully prayed for us, supported us and encouraged us since Brock's death. They are precious to us. She gave me a beautiful necklace. When I opened it in front of her, I was almost speechless. I was able to hold it together until she left. I then went to my room, sat down in my chair and just cried. I did not cry because her gift made me sad; I cried because once again, God encouraged me in the perfect way at the perfect time. At the time, I found myself in some intense grief over Brock. I was missing him so desperately. The reality of the new baby had also hit. I found myself in such a strange place of being sad over Brock's life that seemed to leave our family too soon, yet wanting to be joyful over this little life that is about to join our family very soon.

As I pulled the necklace out of the bag, Meade pointed out to me that it had five eggs in the nest to represent my five children. The necklace was beautiful. I adored it immediately. It is so delicately hand crafted by Jenny. But, what I loved even more, was the thought that there was an egg for each of my children. This was really the first acknowledgment by someone, other than us and my obstetrician, of us having 5 children. Sitting in my chair moments later, God reminded me that yes I do have 5 children by His blessing. This seemed to be exactly what my heart needed to hear.

I often have a hard time describing my feelings of deep grief. As I lay it at Jesus' feet, I trust that the Holy Spirit interprets my motherly groans just as He promised in Romans 8:26 - In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Sometimes I never do get the right words to put with the emotions, but I know when He brings me peace to the situation. He reminded me of the Hope of seeing Brock again and that just because he was no longer seen (or heard) here, he was still mine. With the addition of this new baby, I would have 5 children, not 4 again. He showed me that each one of the freshwater pearls is unique and precious in its on way; so are my children. God's plan for each one of them also is different, and I will love them in different ways. My love for Brock will continue and it will not be threatened by my love for this new baby. The birth of this new baby will bring us joy, not pain.

A year ago this week, I started this blog. It felt so...unlike me. I still struggle with fears before I post any entry. God has blessed me in so many ways through this "strange" outlet as I step out and trust Him each time. So many of you encourage me greatly through your comments, whether you post on the blog, send me an email, or just tell me when you see me. God uses you more than you'll ever know!

So...to celebrate my blogaversary (with a word I made up), I am having a give-away. Jenny of jennypickle designs has generously agreed to donate a "Mother's necklace" to one of the readers of my blog. She is also a mother who has lost a child and is greatly honored to do this. She will custom make it just for you with the number of eggs you want in your nest.

So I will open the comments up to this give-away. I know many of you have told me you don't know how to comment. Just click on the word "comments" at the end of the post. If you have a gmail account, you can use that. If you have a blogger account you can use that. If not just comment as anonymous and then be sure to sign your name. The code they ask you to verify is just so Blogger can make sure that you are real and not some computer spam.

When you comment, I thought it would be fun to have everyone answer the question of, "How many eggs would be in your nest?" I realize not everyone of you are moms. If you don't have children, you could answer how many children were in your family growing up. I also realize that some of you are waiting desperately for God to bless you with a child; please know that I have already prayed for you. You might include one precious egg in your nest as an acknowledgment of the desire you have and the hope you have for the Lord's timing in your life.

So let the fun begin. I will put the names in a hat and let the boys draw one for me this Thursday night after 9pm, eastern time. If you don't win, be sure to still check out Jenny's store anyway...AND drop a hint for those buying you a Christmas present or buy one yourself for a special mom that you know.

Celebrate!

***Update: For those of you that told me you couldn't wait to see the rest of the pictures from Hollie's wedding.....they are up on the photographer's blog at Vue Photography. There are two posts here and here so do not miss any of the gorgeous photos*******




This past weekend we celebrated the wedding of our niece, Hollie to her man, Wesley. We traveled outside of Athens to a gorgeous place called Tucker Plantation. The property has an old barn that they have renovated for special occasions. Hollie and Wesley have known each other all their lives. They grew up across the street from one another. They started dating in the 10th grade. Friday Night's rehearsal dinner was a celebration of each of their lives and their families.



Wesley's mom pointed out during her toast the legacy of commitment each of them had from their grandparents and parents. There is over 200 years of marriage between them. How precious and how rare! What a great heritage of commitment and faithfulness as each of the couples have chosen to make the Lord the center of their marriages.

Saturday's Bridesmaids Luncheon was a celebration of friendship.


With her grandmothers, aunts, sister, Mom and soon to be grandmother in laws, mother in laws and sister in law all by her, Hollie told her bridesmaids through smiles...


and tears how much they meant to her.

They celebrated relationships that had been strong through many ups and downs for many years.

Saturday night's wedding was a celebration of love.
It began with the Chiming of the Hour being played by our 3rd son, Barrett.


He did a great job and was sooo precious. We were awfully proud of him.

In memory of Brock, the ring bearer and flower girl walked down the aisle to Jesus Loves Me. Then Drew and I sang a beautiful song by Matthew West called When I Say I Do.

Asa, Mason, & Barrett played the part of the handsome cousins. They played the part well!

As the minister spoke, he reminded the happy couple of how body language is usually one of the first ways we let others know we love them. Our hands holding and hugging. From their parents who first reached out to hold them, to coaches, teachers, ministers, friends, and families whose hands all had influences on their lives. He reminded them of their hands that hold one another and now wear these rings of commitment. Then he talked about the hands that stretched out on a cross for them, bled for them and now will hold them and guide them through better or worse.

I had braced myself for the weekend...family gatherings are still so bittersweet as I wish so desperately that Brock were there joining all the fun with us.


The Lord kept reminding me that what I was experiencing in this celebration is just a foretaste of what Brock is experiencing now and what we will experience together forever.

This summer I read a book called, Your God is Too Safe. In it Mark Buchanan has a chapter entitled, Let's Party. He talks about the discipline of JOY. As Christians, we have joy in our hearts from knowing Christ and what He did for us. He calls it a discipline because"true celebration is deciding purposefully to rejoice and make every effort to do so." He says, "We celebrate in order to tear back the veil that keeps us from seeing heaven."


The Old Testament is full of God commanding his people to celebrate. There were feasts of all kinds from Harvest, Unlevened Bread and Passover to name a few. These were celebrations that lasted for long periods of time. And someday soon, Believers are promised a grand feast fulfilled when Christ, our groom, returns. If you do not know Him, He invites you to the party too!

Paul reminds us all over the New Testament to Rejoice in the Lord always... (Philippians 4:4) He writes, Be joyful always (Philippians 5:16). Jesus gave us His Joy so that our Joy might be complete. (John 15:11) Jesus' first miracle was turning water to wine at a wedding celebration so that the party could go on.



I kept thinking throughout the weekend of Jesus referring to himself as the bridegroom awaiting expectantly to come for his bride, the church. What a beautiful illustration as I watched Hollie and Wesley all weekend with the expectation and delight of taking each other as Bride and Groom.

On Sunday before we left town we went back to Tucker Plantation to help Hollie's parents, my brother Mike and his wife Kathy, take down and gather decorations. We had a great time with just my family - my sister, her husband, all my nieces and nephews, and even my great nephew were also there. Hollie and Wesley even came as they didn't leave for their honeymoon until Monday morning. There are kids of all ages in my family. It is always so much fun to see them all interact with one another. My boys have a blast with their "older" cousins. But once again, my heart ached as I wished Brock were there to giggle and laugh as a cousin tickled him while he was being held upside down.

His cackle was contagious; how I long to hear it again! His crooked smile was mischievous; how I long to see it again!


We had a great time as we worked and recalled the fun of the wedding celebration. Sort of like an after party. When we finished working, we even pulled out the food the caterer left in the fridge and enjoyed wedding leftovers.


When we got home that night the boys asked me if I ever got sad when I had to leave my family. I told them of how I usually cry the length of the road that leads to the interstate from my parent's house. They admitted that they felt a little let down from all the fun of the weekend. I reminded them that what we had experienced was a taste of Heaven and that when we all get there it will be sooo much better, and we will never have to say goodbye or stop the celebration!

Buchanan closes his chapter with a quote from a scene in C. S. Lewis', The Last Battle of Chronicles of Narnia. As the children have arrived in Narnia after a loud noise from the train they were riding...

Aslan turned to them and said: "You do not look so happy as I mean you to be." Lucy said, "We're so afraid of being sent away, Aslan.... you have sent us back to our own world so often." "No fear of that," said Aslan "have you not guessed?" Their hearts leapt and a wild hope rose within them. "There was a real railway accident," said Aslan softly. "Your father and mother and all of you are - as you used to say-dead. The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream has ended: THIS is the morning."

Oh, what a morning that will be!

....so let us throw off everything that hinders.. and let us run ...the race marked out for us - that we might endure and not lose heart and not grow weary. {paraphrase of Heb. 12:2}

Let's Celebrate!!!

Whiter than Snow

It was almost 80 degrees here today. We have been outside all weekend, lovin' the spring-like weather. It is hard to believe that last Sunday the kids were so excited to see big white fluffy flakes falling from the sky. Last Sunday we had a light snow beginning around noon. By 2:00pm we had a blanket of snow on the ground. While we were excited, we were a little reserved because Barrett was to be baptized at the church that afternoon. We received an email that they would go on with the service. Barrett's grandparents called to say they would be here for the service but had decided to not stay so they could get out of town in case the weather got worse overnight. Barrett's nervous concern over the change in plans was quickly dissolved when I told him, "I bet Brock was helping Jesus with the snow maker and sent this happy sight just for you". He just smiled and looked as if he could see Brock doing just that. So, since this was the weather we were given for the day, we decided what better weather for a baptism service!?! For Psalm 51:7 says...."wash me and I will be whiter than snow." While Drew and the boys made chili, cornbread and brownies, I put away my planned center piece for the table. (We were having some friends and family back to our house for dinner afterwards.) I pulled out the snowball candle. I laid the snowflake cloth on the table. I typed up Psalm 51:7 on paper. I cut around the edges with those craft scissors to make it look like a snowball and placed it on each side of the candle. Needless to say, we embraced the snow.

Barrett accepted Christ in October 2007. He and Mason were alone in their room. He told Mason of his desire to invite Jesus into his heart. Mason led him in a prayer to ask Jesus to come into his heart. The timing of Barrett's decision was another gift from the Lord because when Brock died in January 2008, we were able to talk with Barrett as a Christian.

We follow Christ's example in baptism by immersion. "At that time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordon. As Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a dove. And a voice came from heaven: "You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased." Mark 1:9 The physical act of baptism represents what Christ did on the cross for us; hanging on the cross...being in the baptismal water, dying and being buried....going under the water, and rising to live again in Heaven....coming up out of the water walking in a newness of life. Even though Barrett had shared his decision with us and his family, he was ready to tell others that he was a follower of Christ. I pray he is always ready to tell others about Jesus. "But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect." 1 Peter 3:15

Our church has a program for children where they take them through a few classes to make sure they clearly understand when they accepted Christ into their lives and why they are getting baptized. It is called Footsteps. The class concludes with a baptism service. Drew's Dad, Dr. Asa Meadows is a retired Senior Pastor. He baptized our older two boys, so we were thrilled he could be here to baptize Barrett. As Barrett stepped into the baptismal waters, they played this precious video testimony of him.

It was a glorious day with perfect weather to remind us symbolically of what Jesus did with our sins on the cross.

"Come now, let us reason together", says the Lord,"Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;" Isaiah 1:18

Balloons

Wow, we were so overwhelmed by your response! I have marveled at the way God took this little idea (in my mind) and used it in so many ways that I never imagined. For, "His plans are always bigger than ours."

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3: 20-21.

From stories of one getting to share at the grocery store why she was buying the balloons when the lady kindly asked,"Is it for a Birthday?" To then another when talking to the lady making the balloons was able to share the reason for our hope is Jesus. Later, the two ladies who are good friends were sharing their stories. They realized that they both had talked to the same lady. God used one of them to sprinkle the seed and the other to water the seed. Another story of a sweet "stranger" who came upon my blog on Tuesday for the first time. She was led to have her two boys say a prayer for us and release two balloons. She said she was reminded how precious and fragile life is. Later that evening her 27 month old fell and had to have stitches. She was thankful she had already been mindful of how quickly life can change and what a privilege it is to smother her little ones with love. Still another story of healing in letting off a balloon for Brock and a second one for the baby they miscarried a few weeks ago. The loss happened just days after they heard the heartbeat for the first time. He wrote, "it was quite a sight to behold as the two balloons went soaring up into the sky set against such an awesome sight as this famous national monument. This simple act certainly symbolized something we've both needed to do for a while now. " I could go on and on with the stories you shared. Please feel free to share them in the comment section for all to be encouraged.

Drew mentioned that he wished we had a time release video of our church as so many let their balloons go from that campus. I think that is such a symbolic picture of the Body of Christ. I believe from looking at the pictures that balloons were released from all sides of the building. It has taken me a bit to get them up because I got the idea to put them in time order and then they got jumbled when I uploaded them. I am glad I did though as the pictures covered from the sunrise on that day to the sunset and evening....symbolic of how we were covered in prayed all day long.

Wow, God you are so amazing! As you look at the pictures I hope you will be reminded of that as you see the beautiful sky God painted for that day.

I don't know if I have all the words to articulate it yet but, there was something special about the act of releasing the balloons. There was certainly an array of emotions as we got tickled at how one balloon made it all the way past many trees to get caught on the last limb before rising above. It reminded us of Brock's cute laugh. There was also the sadness of why we were letting these balloons off. It reminded us of our great loss. Feelings of hope washed over us as we watched the balloons rise to a place beyond ours! It reminded us that we are so thankful for the hope of Heaven we have to be together with Brock again. Finally what an awesome feeling of smallness to look up at that big beautiful blue sky. An incredible feeling of recognizing that the God of the universe is in control and I am not. A reminder that He loves me so much to care about the smallest of details in my life like a blue sky for a sad day.

If you have yet to send your pictures don't worry I will add them in as I get them.

Enjoy!

The day Brock Came

Thank you so much for your prayers, thoughts, cards, hugs, emails and pictures. They were precious reminders from the Lord of how much He cares for us.

Our day was up and down. I must have asked the Lord a thousand times why couldn't Brock just be here for us to celebrate him here. I longed several times for God to just come and take us all to Heaven so that we could all be together. Thinking of Brock turning 4 was not comforting. Mason said that thought made him feel like Brock was becoming someone he did not know. We assured him that when he finally sees Brock again, he will fully know him. Oh Lord, this journey is so hard. Thank You we have You to cling to.

So, we tried to focus our celebration on the day Brock came into our lives. God was so sweet to bring us great memories all day long. Our day was sprinkled with joy as we received pictures of your balloon releases. We went to the grave side as a family around 2:30 and lost track of time. It was a time of tears and laughs as we watched our balloons dodge the tree limbs as they tip-toed into the crystal blue, cloudless sky. We each talked about our favorite thing we liked about Brock.

Here's what we said, Barrett...."He was my friend and was always there to play with", Mason..."there was always life and noise when Brock was around, there was never a dull moment, he brought so much happiness to our lives, I also liked the way he touched so many lives in his short life, more than I have touched in all my life," Asa..."It was a privilege to be his big brother because everybody thought he was so cute, I liked his crooked teeth when he smiled", Drew...."I liked his laugh and smile and the way he would run, his energy, his cadence", Me...."I liked his rough little voice, his own language and his hugs that wrapped around my neck and his head on my shoulder."

We sang Happy Birthday and God our Father (we thank you-for our little Brockie). Then, we let our balloons go. This made us laugh and cry.

The moon was already out. We watched Asa's balloon until it seemed as if it were higher than the moon. We imagined a closet full of balloons where Jesus keeps all the balloons for the children. Asa said he found himself imagining Brock on a play ground and Jesus giving him a balloon and then Brock getting to share all the others that were released with all the other children in Heaven. We don't know if there are balloons in Heaven, but we do know that it is far better than we could even imagine or hope.

We ended our time with each of us praying and thanking God for the gift of Brock in our life.
On our way home I thought...what a beautiful sky the Lord painted for us to release balloons into. Then when we arrived home and received all your photos on the computer, we were so overwhelmed. They are beautiful. Such a kiss from the Lord. I am going to try really hard tomorrow to get them up. If you haven't yet sent yours, you can still do so. I'll just add them as they come in. God used this little idea to bless us in huge ways. Again, more than we could have even imagined.

We thank you. Once again you allowed the Lord to use you to help us through a really sad, bittersweet day. God Bless you. We love you.

When we finished our time praying at the cemetery, Barrett said, "Mama, while you were praying I lifted my head up and looked at the sky and I saw Jesus holding Brock's hand and leading him. "

We all were speechless. Jesus loves the little children.

Waves

I began this post a few days ago...... I was writing to tell you I was feeling better.... and then before I could get this published, another wave of my emotions hit. I have often likened my grief to waves hitting on the seashore. Lately there seems to be a storm as the waves are coming one behind the other. Grief is strange in that some days it takes you all the way back to the beginning. The emotions are the same.... but different. In the beginning I was "out of life" as so many people were taking care of all my needs. I had the time to just sit and process or give in to the wave when it would hit. Now that I have returned to the busy flow of life and obligations, it is sometimes harder when those waves hit as I am standing up, not sitting down. Not sure exactly what has caused the roughness of the water lately except possibly grief itself. So, thank you for praying...I still really need it.

I originally started this post with this: We have all been well this week. I am feeling better emotionally also. (You would think I would learn to quickly hit 'Publish' before my emotions change.) Anyway....

My upward swing was prompted with this thought, so I will focus today on these same principles. A few days ago in my favorite devotional book, "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young, I was reminded that it is good to give thanks. Thanksgiving is what the Lord wants me to do.

I remembered how last year in those really dark weeks following Brock's death, Drew and I were astonished at how many times we were coming across the words "give thanks" in our Bible reading. Over and over we would read these words. How strange that at such a time as this ,we were coming across the idea of thanksgiving? We would find that on those days where sadness seems to make the beam of hope really small, that if we could find something to utter praise about, God would begin to transform our mind. Our darkness would turn to light. We had so much to praise the Lord about from the kindness of His people to the comfort of His righteous right hand, it was just that sometimes our heart felt so burdened with grief. In Jesus Calling, Sarah describes it like this, "Your prayers and petitions are winged into heaven's throne room when they are permeated with thanksgiving." What a beautiful picture!

I took a look back in my journal to see when I first started to notice this word. I found that on the day of Brock's funeral, I had written that morning from my devotion this quote of "let thankfulness and trust be your guide through this day."

The words "give thanks" are all through the Old and New Testaments. I am sure I had read them before, but in the time after Brock's death, the words seemed to leap off the page at me. I love how God's word is "living" and so relevant to my life today. For this is what I needed, and it was good for me. Somehow in the mystery of finding something to be thankful for, God would change the focus of my mind. He did not ask me to thank Him that Brock died, just to find something in my circumstances for which to thank Him. When I did, my heaviness did not seem so overbearing.

There were so many times when this was so clear. One of those came when I began to worry and fret about the homeschooling of my children in the midst of my grief. I worried they would get behind. I questioned every feeling I had about God's call for us to homeschool. I wondered how in the world this could be good at this time.

Then one day as I was reading with Barrett, he came across the word Rock. He said, "Rock, if you put a B in front of that, it spells Brock. It would be good if he were here right now, and we were talking to him." I said, "I know Barrett. I miss him so much." Barrett said, "Me too." He began to cry. I pushed aside the book and just held him as we both cried. I found myself in that moment saying to the Lord, "I am so thankful I homeschool." I was so glad that I was the one there with him that day when he needed to cry. God began to break away at my fears about our homeschooling as He reminded me that because we homeschooled, Asa and Mason knew Brock so well. The bittersweet thought was that because we homeschooled the boys each had a "time with Brock" on their schedule. This was their time to play with him during our school hours so that I could help the others without distraction. Once I acknowledged my thankfulness, my mind was transformed, and those worrisome thoughts were gone.

Another time was when I was really struggling with some guilt over Brock's death. I would call my days of struggling with this a feeling of torment. It would physically get a hold of me. Mentally, I could think of nothing else but these terrible thoughts. I was pouring out my heart to the Lord, or rather "fussing" at the Lord with these thoughts.... If it had to happen, couldn't it have been on a day that Drew and I were both home? Why did I have to be the one that laid Brock down for his nap?

I was feeling so sorry for myself. Then I remembered that Drew had been struggling with not being able to remember his last words to Brock that morning. All of the sudden, I strangely found myself saying, "Thank you Lord that I was the one to lay Brock down." I knew when I had last held him...when I had rocked him...when I had kissed him. I knew exactly my last words of saying, "I love you Brockie" and him saying, "I uv jou Mommy." In that moment my mind was transformed, and the grip of this guilt began to loosen.

God inhabits our praise! Today I am thankful for His word that reminds me to give thanks. I am also thankful that when I do get down, I think of all you sweet people praying for me and for us. You know what...I feel my focus being transformed already!


...give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1Thessalonians 5:17-19