Pink or Blue?

Pink....

or Blue......??

We are getting close to knowing. The excitement is building around here. All our emotions are actually in full swing. Drew & I are experiencing grief and joy all at the same time. The intensity lately has been hard to handle.

People are still asking if we know what the baby is. While it has been the most photographed(by sonogram) baby we have had, the answer is still...no. But soon we will know. I will admit that on some days the not knowing has gotten the best of me. I went to one of my sonogram appointments by myself and I have to say I was a little tempted for the lady to just tell me. I don't think I could have kept it to myself, though, so I closed my eyes at the right time.

Many have asked what I feel it is. In the beginning I thought it was a boy. Then I went through a girl phase for about two months. Now I am back to feeling that it is a boy! I think that is all I can imagine bringing home from the hospital. Drew actually also feels that it is a boy. All the boys think it is a boy; however, Asa said he wished it was a girl but thinks it is a boy.

I am so glad that God decides and not us. I can trust that He knows just what we need to continue on the journey of healing. I can think of things about either sex that would be great and also things that would hurt. Just as each of our children are unique in their own ways, I could see that having another little boy to love would be just great. I have already wondered if he would have mannerisms or looks that would remind me of Brock. To see the hand me down clothes again would be sweet or would it hurt as a constant reminder of the last little boy that was in the middle of wearing them.

A little girl would be very different and not have the reminders, obviously, that a boy would have with Brock. Mason said he just can't see us with a girl. He said, "What would we do?!" I assured him that I could figure it out. But the thought that a little girl came into our family after Brock's death is also a little painful.

See how complicated?! I am glad God is in charge of my life and not me. I know that He had this planned long before Brock's birth or death. I know that He is walking with us and that any hurt He will touch and heal. I know that on Wednesday, when we see what He's been up to, we will be filled with Joy. I know that any emotions that flood over us, He will be right there holding us.

So now the interactive portion of my blog: your turn! Post a comment...what do you think it is?
Thank you for continuing to lift us up in prayer. We need it. My love,
Nita

Where I've Been

A more appropriate title should be, Where Everybody Else in the Family has Been.

I have actually been at home while the boys have gone to exciting places around the country and continent. All is well, but I admit, it was a bit too much motion for my 9-month pregnant soul. I can't believe that the date on my last post is October 2. Please tell me today is not the 26th!! I feel as if I should apologize to you faithful readers. I am sorry! I will warn you...reading this post may make you as exhausted as I am...and so are the two snoring boys next to me.

The first week of October we had a Fall Break from school. We were off for the whole week. My first thought was to not take the time off but keep on pushing so I would be ahead when the baby comes. However, after schooling for about 8 weeks, I could see our schedule slipping a bit and decided we probably needed the week off. I delved into cleaning out closets...not Brock's closet, just all the others in the house.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. " Matthew 6: 19-20.

I am always so convicted by this verse when I start to clean out. How did I accumulate all these "treasures"? We just moved 5 years ago. I felt like I did a drastic clean-out then. The amount of time it takes to clean out, rearrange, dust, organize and make decisions about this stuff makes me just want to scream. It definitely takes away from any time I could spend storing up treasures in Heaven. I debated for weeks in my mind before starting the cleaning out process...Do I sell it on eBay? Have a garage sale? Or just drive it all to the thrift store for donation? That cluttered my mind and time too. ARRRHHHH!

The next week, I felt swamped by all the mess I had made. We started back to school. Trying to get back on schedule made me think perhaps the break was not worth it. Mid-week we decided to have a garage sale on Friday. So the mess continued to grow all week until we could move it outside Friday morning.

Friday Morning, October 16th, Drew and Asa got up at 4 am. They put out our garage sale signs about 4:30am while heading to the airport to drop Asa off. He flew to North Dakota to hunt with my parents. Some of you may remember he did this last year. It was such a blessing spending time with my father. Drew got home around 7 am. We quickly set up the junk, I mean wonderful earthly treasures, we were trying to convince others to take off our hands. Eight hours later we had almost $600 in hand.

Tired but contented, we went back inside to realize we forgot 4 items that would have sold easily. The reason we forgot - they were in Brock's closet! I caught Drew in a glazed stare in Brock's room. Having to pull the items from the closet was hard. Realizing that we did not have a 4-year old to enjoy them was even harder. Oh, how we miss him!

We doggedly loaded the rest on the back of the trailer and took it straight to our church-sponsored new thrift store. Even though I was tired, I felt such a relief to be rid of all the clutter. A small taste of freedom, for sure.

This past week, Drew once again got up at 4am and headed out for the airport. This time he took Mason. They traveled to Matamoros, Mexico for a father- son mission trip to build houses, do prison ministry and orphan ministry. This is a trip he took Asa on when he was in 6th grade. When we talked about it in the late summer, it seemed really far away from when the baby would be born. But last week it made us both a little nervous with only three weeks to go. While they were gone, I picked Asa up from the airport. He had a great trip. Last year, because he rode in the RV with my parents, he took his books and did school while he was gone. This year he flew, so there was not room to take his books. The end of last week was wild, trying to help him catch up on his school.

With prayer warriors in full strength, Drew and Mason made it home this past Sunday night. I cried as they walked in the door. Drew said, "Why are you crying, I made it home and you did not have the baby?!" I said, "That is exactly why I'm crying." Tears of joy, relief and blessing. I think I held my breath a bit while he was gone.

I was one happy mama as I took in the sights and sounds of everyone trying to tell of their adventures all at the same time...Asa telling of hunting tales from North Dakota, Barrett telling of his new flag football spin-move and Mason telling of the precious kids he played with in the Mexican orphanage. Drew and I caught each others eyes and smiled...ahhh, life is good!

God I Praise You! Thank you for allowing safe travels for everyone and great adventure for all. While the "safe" part of me just wanted to keep everyone at home and say no to all the opportunities, you call us outside of ourselves so that you can work. I am glad I trusted in Your goodness. You provided blessings once again...beyond what we could imagine. AMEN

5 eggs, An Anniversary and a Give-Away

A few weeks ago God used another one of His people to encourage me. A sweet friend, Meade, and her two precious girls brought me by a little "happy." She is actually a sorority sister of mine (although I am a few years older) and the wife of a fraternity brother of Drew's. She and her husband, Cale, have been one of many couples that have faithfully prayed for us, supported us and encouraged us since Brock's death. They are precious to us. She gave me a beautiful necklace. When I opened it in front of her, I was almost speechless. I was able to hold it together until she left. I then went to my room, sat down in my chair and just cried. I did not cry because her gift made me sad; I cried because once again, God encouraged me in the perfect way at the perfect time. At the time, I found myself in some intense grief over Brock. I was missing him so desperately. The reality of the new baby had also hit. I found myself in such a strange place of being sad over Brock's life that seemed to leave our family too soon, yet wanting to be joyful over this little life that is about to join our family very soon.

As I pulled the necklace out of the bag, Meade pointed out to me that it had five eggs in the nest to represent my five children. The necklace was beautiful. I adored it immediately. It is so delicately hand crafted by Jenny. But, what I loved even more, was the thought that there was an egg for each of my children. This was really the first acknowledgment by someone, other than us and my obstetrician, of us having 5 children. Sitting in my chair moments later, God reminded me that yes I do have 5 children by His blessing. This seemed to be exactly what my heart needed to hear.

I often have a hard time describing my feelings of deep grief. As I lay it at Jesus' feet, I trust that the Holy Spirit interprets my motherly groans just as He promised in Romans 8:26 - In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Sometimes I never do get the right words to put with the emotions, but I know when He brings me peace to the situation. He reminded me of the Hope of seeing Brock again and that just because he was no longer seen (or heard) here, he was still mine. With the addition of this new baby, I would have 5 children, not 4 again. He showed me that each one of the freshwater pearls is unique and precious in its on way; so are my children. God's plan for each one of them also is different, and I will love them in different ways. My love for Brock will continue and it will not be threatened by my love for this new baby. The birth of this new baby will bring us joy, not pain.

A year ago this week, I started this blog. It felt so...unlike me. I still struggle with fears before I post any entry. God has blessed me in so many ways through this "strange" outlet as I step out and trust Him each time. So many of you encourage me greatly through your comments, whether you post on the blog, send me an email, or just tell me when you see me. God uses you more than you'll ever know!

So...to celebrate my blogaversary (with a word I made up), I am having a give-away. Jenny of jennypickle designs has generously agreed to donate a "Mother's necklace" to one of the readers of my blog. She is also a mother who has lost a child and is greatly honored to do this. She will custom make it just for you with the number of eggs you want in your nest.

So I will open the comments up to this give-away. I know many of you have told me you don't know how to comment. Just click on the word "comments" at the end of the post. If you have a gmail account, you can use that. If you have a blogger account you can use that. If not just comment as anonymous and then be sure to sign your name. The code they ask you to verify is just so Blogger can make sure that you are real and not some computer spam.

When you comment, I thought it would be fun to have everyone answer the question of, "How many eggs would be in your nest?" I realize not everyone of you are moms. If you don't have children, you could answer how many children were in your family growing up. I also realize that some of you are waiting desperately for God to bless you with a child; please know that I have already prayed for you. You might include one precious egg in your nest as an acknowledgment of the desire you have and the hope you have for the Lord's timing in your life.

So let the fun begin. I will put the names in a hat and let the boys draw one for me this Thursday night after 9pm, eastern time. If you don't win, be sure to still check out Jenny's store anyway...AND drop a hint for those buying you a Christmas present or buy one yourself for a special mom that you know.

Remember

With a heart of thanksgiving I remember this week, last year. We were just returning from a vacation adventure of a lifetime. We loaded up my parent's motorhome with some dear friends, the Smiths. We meandered 4 days across country to Buena Vista, Colorado where we spent a week at Young Life's Trail West Family Camp.

Drew and I had started to talk about this trip in the Fall of 2007 (before Brock died in January 2008). We thought the summer of 2008 would be a perfect time for us to go as Brock would be 3 yrs old and able to enjoy some of the kids' events. We looked at our schedule and decided that the first week of June would probably be the only time we could go around Ball and Swim schedules. Months after Brock died, I told Drew I did not think that I wanted to go to a Family Camp, especially on a year my family felt so strange. I couldn't imagine seeing other little 3 year olds having fun. I would shudder to think about introducing our family to strangers that didn't know we "really had four kids, not just the three" that were with us. But for some reason, we left it hanging and never canceled our plans.

I mentioned to Drew one morning that we really needed to make a decision about the trip. That afternoon a friend of mine from college, Victoria, called to check on me . She and her husband are on staff with Young Life. I mentioned to her that we were trying to make a decision on still going to Trail West. She asked,

... what week are you thinking about going?

....the first week of June.

....Really?! We're going the same week! And so are this family, this family and this family (all of whom we knew from college!).


We knew then that God had once again gone before us. We trusted Him that, for what ever reason, in this first year without Brock, we would take such a family vacation.

We mentioned it to our friends the Smiths and they decided to join us. They were even brave enough to ride in the same RV with us!

So we loaded all 11 of us on the RV and headed to Colorado.
(We actually didn't make the kids ride on the top) We spent the night at KOA's across the country. While the men hooked up all the hose connections (don't get blue water and brown water mixed up - a true RV moment), I said to my friend Shannon as we sat by the small KOA pool watching the kids, "It just doesn't take much to be happy." And it didn't, but little did I know what God had in store for us.










Go West Young Men........

...... After a ride to the top on a windy day, secure at the base of the St. Louis Arch, Missouri.

......On the steps of the Chapel at the US Air Force Academy, Colorado Springs, Colorado.

......Marveling at God's handiwork at "God's Garden"

Finally, we arrived at Trail West. We were greeted by cowboys on horseback to escort us to camp. Then we departed the RV to board "Big Red" - a wagon of sorts. The staff took our vehicle and unloaded our belonging to our rooms. As they sang to us in a greeting, their mission that week was to serve us in the name of the Lord. They didn't know what a big job they had with us!

......this is the view from the gorgeous Trail West Lodge.

The introductions were easy as almost every other person would come up to us and say, "You don't know us, but we have been praying for you!!" We realized there were several other families that we knew from Georgia. Yes, all of us ended up in Colorado during the same week.

...It ended up there were 7 of us that were sorority sisters in college. That is 1/4 of all families there, from across the Nation!!

We were overcome with God's goodness! We were blessed by the love that happens when you pray for someone. It was most evident on the faces of the children that had prayed for us as they just gave my boys, whom they had never met, a big hug. One of the moms mentioned that just seeing us and seeing that we were "okay" was so strengthening to their faith. Mason could not get over the feeling that these people didn't know us, yet were so nice to us. I told him, "Mason, that is because they have prayed for us every night; they have grown to love us." He said it made him feel special. I reminded him how he felt about people he had prayed for. Learning of their prayers and feeling their hugs encouraged our faith and gave us strength for our journey. As if being surrounded by our "extended" family of faith wasn't enough, we were there in the gorgeous setting of the Rockies. The blue sky, the snow capped mountains, the crisp air, the sparkling Aspen trees...all cried out of God's existence, His glory, His beauty (read Romans 1:20).

...Aspen Trees are our favorite trees. We felt like it was another gift from God that many of our activities took place in an Aspen Grove.

It reminded me how much God loves us. As if sending His only Son to die for us was not enough! He also went to such great lengths to show us His love for us in His creation. A creation that is just temporary. "But in keeping with his promise, we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, the home of righteousness" 2 Peter 3:13

....We were amazed at what a foretaste of Heaven this was - from the fellowship to the surroundings. It was truly one of those glimpses God gives us to keep us moving on.... awaiting the soon coming day of Heaven.

We experienced the vastness of His creation as we rafted down the Arkansas River. When we got in our boat, our guide even had the verse Isaiah 43 written on the back of his life vest. "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you." This "just happened" to be one of his favorite verses. God is so into details!

...That verse has meant so much to us this past year as we have felt God with us.

....and sledding down the Continential Divide, in shorts!?

There was a square dance the last night of camp. Everyone dressed in their cowboy attire. From the smallest camper to the Moms and Dads, all danced and had a great time. My scripture the next morning in my quiet time was Jeremiah 31:4b "Again you will take up your tambourines and go out dancing with the joyful." That is what we did that night as God confirmed more sweet times to come even though the ache in our heart was still so deep and raw.

That night is when we took the picture that is on the header of this blog. When we were packing for the trip, the boys had gone to the basement to get all the cowboy dress up clothes we had. They came back with Brock's hat. They asked if we could take it. Not sure what we would do with it, I said, "Yes." It felt right to take it as we all sooo wished he were there to wear it. Oh, how he would've loved it!!

...We took it with us that last night and snapped a few photos...never knowing God would call me to this blog nor that it would serve as our opening picture. God is so good!

...That night in my journal I wrote, "Thank you Lord for the time to take the sweet picture of our family- with the extra cowboy hat for Brock. It felt like the most 'normal' picture we've taken since Brock's death, since it acknowledged him missing."

After a tearful and reluctant goodbye, we left Trail West, loaded up the motorhome, with a little more in store before we reached home. We traveled home over the Father's Day weekend.

...We stopped by Cadillac Ranch in Texas.

....and followed Route 66 into Oklahoma.

...paused a moment to remember those who lost their lives in the Oklahoma City Bombing.

....enjoyed Sodas of all kinds at Pops Diner in Edmond, OK

.....and never grew tired of the unique finds along the way, Round Barn, Arcadia, OK.

We arrived home and to Drew's sheer bliss, our Sunday School Class had landscaped our yard for our return. This was a big undertaking and a huge blessing!

God continued to remind us of His love through His people. I have cried and smiled as I have written this post. Thank you for joining me on a journey in remembering.

I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
Psalm 77:11

A year of Bittersweet

Happy New Year everyone! I must admit that I like so much to cross off things from a To Do list that I sometimes will write something on my list that I have done just so I can cross it off. Well, in that vain, I resolved to learn to cut hair in 2009...Check/Done. Every time I pay money for someone to cut my boys' hair, I always think, "I could do that!" I don't know why. I respect the ability of those who have studied to cut hair; I just felt like it was something I could do myself. Tonight when we were in Target, the Wahl Hair Trimmers were on sale. Much to the boys disdain, I bought one. So excited to see if I could do it, I chased my strong teenager, Asa, around the house and then made him sit to be my first guinea pig. Then came Mason. And yes, I then cut Barrett's curls with the scissors. Asa almost cried, but then they all decided I had done a pretty good job. Gee, if all resolutions could be that easy.

I am not really a resolution person. However I usually do lots of reflection on the past year and think (not write down) of things I would like to improve or areas I would like to grow in the next year. I have thought all week long on 2008. What do I feel about such a year? The hope of a new start swept over me several times, and then a big knot would form in my throat. I remember last year the hope that Drew and I felt just three weeks before Brock died. We said to one another we felt we were turning a corner for the better. We had more hope. Brock was becoming a "big boy" moving out of a crib and out of diapers. Drew's insurance business that he was starting with his brother looked like it was about to finally happen. As fear began to take over, the knot got bigger as I thought, "Look what happened when I thought things were good!" Recognizing that 2008 will not be a year that will be" forgot," I began thinking how do I say goodbye to 2008 and welcome 2009?

2008.

It rang in to Brock sleeping in his big boy bed for the first time. He learned to potty train. The boys were readying him for the Polar Bear Run - a race at our church. There was really a lot of focus on him at the beginning of the year. All of us were so enamored with how cute he was! He would stand on the kitchen counter; when told to get down, he would say, "I Soopaman mommie!" Life was soopa, and we were living it hard. 2008 will be forever known as the year I last held my Brockie, rocked him, kissed him and heard him say, "I luv ju mommie."

2008 was the year he was here.

How can I say goodbye to it? So often my soul would cry out, "If only I could go back to the beginning of 2008 and start over!"

2008 will also be the year that forever comes after the dash of Brock's years. A date I will write and say more than many others. A year that represents the deepest hurt in my heart. A year that seemed as if time stood still. A year that seems as if it was only filled with a yesterday and today.

2008.

It was also the year that my baby met Jesus face to face. He now knows more than any story I ever read to him. It was a year that, in my brokenness, I found just how near God is. A year where I felt as if I could literally reach out and touch the Lord. A year in which I saw Him be everything He ever promised He would be. A year in which He showed me He cared about every detail of my life and has done so since the day I was formed. A year in which His Sovereignty covered every question in my heart. A year of learning He was in control, and I was not. A year in which He used so many people to be His hands, feet and voice.

2008...a year of bittersweet.

Now 2009 is here.

As I know from my experience on this journey, looking ahead is not for me anymore. I meet the year with a never before longing for Heaven. I will walk it just as I have 2008, one day or rather moment at a time with the Lord leading me with His righteous right hand. I know that I can't expect it to be trouble free for Jesus says in John 16:33, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." I don't know what else He will ask of me, but I know I can Trust Him even in the darkest of times. I wait to see the plans He has for me unfold. I wait for Him to do a work with all this hurt that I have given to Him.

Lord, for 2009, please keep my eyes wide open to see and feel you shaping my life.

You Didn't Tell Me About This

A funny little story about Barrett:

About a month ago we took him into the Dr.'s office for a sore on his head. The doctors thought it was ringworm. They said you can get it from cats. We don't have a cat. I then began thinking a funny thought of what woman, that owns a cat, had touched Barrett's hair? Everyone finds his curly blonde head hard to not touch. Anyway, it turned out not to be ringworm once the labs came back.

But, while we were there the nurse informed me that Barrett had not had a well checkup since he was 3. You can imagine what kind of self talk I had to do to fight off the bad mom complex. He has been to the Dr since he was 3, just not for the official "well checkup". So this meant that he was behind on his vaccinations. Since we homeschool, we don't have to turn in a vaccination report for school. So, I guess that is where it fell under the radar.

I made the appointment.

When the day came, Mason, being a good big brother said, "Hey Barrett, you're gonna get a shot today." Barrett said "No." The argument continued until they found me. I had not yet told Barrett because I thought that would just be something I would tell him on the way there or maybe even in the exam room. I thought...no need for him to stress about it for too long.

Barrett looked up at me and said, "Mason said I am going to get a shot, ....am I?!" I told him yes, it was true, but it was nothing to worry about as it would only hurt like this - and I pinched his arm a little. He took a deep breath and rolled his eyes up at me and Mason and said, "That's not gonna hurt."

Off we go to the appointment. We are called for our turn to be seen. The nurse did all her things and as she is leaving she says, "Take off your clothes leaving on just your underwear. The Doctor will be in shortly."

Barrett just sat there with a funny look on his face.

I said, "Barrett just take your pants off and then you can slip your shirt off when the Dr. comes in the room. That way you won't get cold."

He looked at me with his hands held tightly to the top of his pants and shook his head "No."

I said, "Barrett you have to take your clothes off. Everybody does it."

He said, "Well then we have to go home."

I chuckled and said "We can't go home. What is it?"

He said with even more urgency, "We have to go home....I have on dinosaurs."

I'm not sure why dinosaur underwear was embarrassing.... but it was to him!?!

Mason and I are both trying hard not to fall to the floor laughing.

I walked in front of him as he sat with his legs dangling off the exam table and his back slouched against the wall, I put my hands on his legs and softly said, "Barrett they don't care about that. Don't worry, take your pants off now."

He leaned forward looking me straight in the eyes with the most serious tone and said,
"You didn't tell me about this."

Oh my, it makes me laugh again just thinking about it. ......So Funny!

After that day, his words "you didn't tell me about this" kept playing over and over in my mind. Don't you love when God uses the words right out of the mouth of babes to speak to you? You see, since Halloween, I have been saying those same words to the Lord. Halloween seemed to put me on the "Holiday train." All Aboard, hang on, here we go!! As everyone has warned, the first holidays will be so hard, I have dreaded them. However, I have found up to now, usually my anticipation of the holidays are way worse than the actual days have been. This is because as I have learned, I can't predict the way the Holy Spirit will comfort me on that day or give me grace for that moment.

I miss Brockie deeply everyday.

Holidays seem to serve as markers that time is marching on since I last held Brock. The emotions on those days are intensified. As I was trying to figure out just what it was about the Holidays, a friend reminded me that they are just days that we remember. You probably don't remember what you were doing 2 or 3 days before Thanksgiving last year, but you remember Thanksgiving Day. That is so true.

This journey since Brock died has been a day by day or moment by moment living. However after Halloween, I forgot all that and looked ahead. Until now each time I would think of the Holidays, God would remind me, Not today...that is not for today. But on November 1st, in my fleshy spirit, when I walked into Wal-Mart and the Christmas decorations were up... I did it.

I looked ahead.

This is the time of year that everyone is looking ahead, why not me?

I began to say to the Lord, "This is too hard. You have the wrong person. This is more than I can bear even with You."

I found myself overcome with grief but not the same grief...it had a new feel. I could not quite identify why it was different, but it was. I began struggling with anxiety. My physical health began to manifest all these feelings. As I was continuing to ask the Lord to show me what it was, He was faithful!

I did not realize that I had taken my focus off the day by day living that He calls us to. First He showed me that I had to back up and focus on today. Because I was struggling with my mind, I looked to Scripture to tell me what to think on. Philippians 4:8-9 says, "Finally brothers, whatever is true...whatever is right...think about such things."

What was true was that I could not think about the holidays - now through January 2009 - and begin to imagine how God would come through. Tomorrow is not true; when we think about tomorrow, we tend to leave God out. We either think nothing of Him there or we think too little of Him. His ways are not our ways; His thoughts are not our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8). I can't predict what way He will show Himself when that day comes.

Still, I kept finding myself saying Barrett's words of, "You didn't tell be about this!" You didn't tell me that the pit in my stomach, that was so strong the days and weeks just after Brock died, would return. You didn't tell me that every store I enter would bring an ache in my heart so strong I could feel it in my chest. "Christmas" is for kids. Every advertisement seems to taunt me that one of my kids are not here.

As I cried out to the Lord, I never doubted He was there, yet things were very still. He held me close as He was patient for me to sort through my feelings as I told Him every one. Somehow in His mysterious ways, He knows my fears and anxieties, yet He knows it is good for me to give them to Him.

One day as I was saying those words of Barrett's again in my head, He reminded me that was the same place in my spirit that I was in on the night Brock died. My spirit so strongly did not want to do this. I remember thinking, "Lord, ask me to do anything, but don't ask me to do this. Not my precious son Brock!"

On the night Brock died, my sweet college friend Wynn called from California. She had already walked through losing her Mom as a young woman. She said, "Nita, I know it hurts, but you have to go through it."

After we hung up, I told the Lord, "Ok, if I have to do this, then please lead me ever so gently straight through this, not letting me step to one side or the other to ease my hurt on anything but You." I asked Him to use every ounce of the hurt in my life, Drew's and the kids' for His Glory.

I wept at the Lord's feet as I realized that I was stiff-arming the Holidays. I think I thought that I would not have to go through the Holidays. I'm not sure if I was hoping Brock would be back or that Jesus would come again. Either way, I hoped I wouldn't have to do this. Instead of letting the reality of my situation sink in slowly, I had let some bitterness take root. I was thinking, "I don't want to do this...

I don't want to miss dressing up that cute little one in a costume. I don't want to give Thanks on a year that feels so wrong. I don't want to make out a Christmas list for only three children. I don't want to ring in a new year.....I want to do this one over!" Gee, as I write this, I see again how ugly my flesh is.

But that is truth.

Once the Lord led me to the place that I could see it, I began to identify it and give it to Him.

So once again in my chair on that morning, I told the Lord. "I don't want to do this, but if I have to, I ask you again Lord to lead me ever so gently straight through these Holidays, not letting me step to one side or the other. Help me to trust You as You have been so good. Help me to have eyes wide open to see your goodness"

That same day, I received a card from a friend that said she was praying the we would be "overwhelmed by God's goodness this Holiday season." God is good, and I will give thanks that He is leading me by His righteous right hand . I am sure that at the end of these Holidays as I reflect on His Goodness, I will once again say to the Lord in a different way, "You didn't tell me about this."

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Are You Sure?

Welcome! I thank you for loving us enough to come and check this out. I feel this is the strangest place to find myself. Maybe some of you feel the same. I didn't even know what a blog was until several months ago. Then when I felt God leading me to begin this blog, He used the body of Christ, His word and His Holy Spirit to encourage me. One night while talking with my good friend, Jenifer Johnson, about all the ways God had been so good to us, she said out of the blue, "Have you ever thought of starting a blog?" I was too afraid to answer her. As I continued to pray and give the Lord all of my excuses, He kept pointing me in this direction. I had many questions. Like so many other things in my life, I began my “paralysis of analysis”. While I know to the many of you who do this "blog thing", this may sound silly but this has been a “mini” journey in Trusting God once again when things don’t seem to make sense. So it began like this:

Lord, are You sure? I feel so afraid. My feelings are still so raw. What if someone responds with something that hurts my feelings? He reminded me how from the beginning the Holy Spirit has covered all the words that have been spoken to us. A “stranger” that had lost an infant reached out to us in the first few days after Brock’s death. He told us to look past peoples’ words and into their hearts of intentions. The Holy Spirit has really used that to protect us. This has allowed words to minister to us in tremendous ways. Even people who would say they felt inadequate in what they had to say.

Lord, are You sure? What if people misunderstand what I am trying to say as I feel like expressing my thoughts clearly sometimes seems so difficult? What if they think wrong of me? He brought to my mind the scripture from Proverbs 29:19 “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.”

Lord, are You sure? It has been seven months shouldn’t I have started earlier? How do I go back and tell the story? Don’t you like the way at first I said my feelings were still so raw and now I think it has been too long. Isn’t it funny the things we will come up with as excuses to not obey?!

Lord, are You sure? People might think that our grieving time is over. We have found ourselves in a huge new wave of grief. The change of seasons, school starting back, and the return of the autopsy have each taken their toll on all of us.

Lord, are You sure? Everyone has been so faithful to pray without this blog. He confirmed that the body of Christ is still praying for us and wants to know how specifically to pray. Recently in Sunday School, we shared a prayer request for our current ache. Several people stopped us to say how they so appreciated knowing how to pray for us now.

Lord, are You sure? I don’t even know how to set this up. Please send me someone to help. He answered with a sweet "new" friend Jamie Worley. She is a wonderful blogger and offered to help me with the layout, pictures and just understanding the entire setup lingo.

Lord, are You sure? I was beginning to recognize that I was running out of excuses as He had met each one with such faithfulness. Each Sunday our Pastor Bryant Wright has been preaching on God’s Chosen People and their Journey of Faith. I have learned so much. I often left the service feeling the Holy Spirit working in me. I was seeing myself like the Israelites continuing to argue and ask God questions when I felt Him saying “Be Quiet, Trust Me and Step out on faith.”

Lord, I am willing. One morning in my quiet time I was thanking the Lord specifically for sending Jamie. I told the Lord how I just wanted the blog to be all about Him and not about me. I want to gain nothing. I told Him I was willing if it were even just for the encouragement of one person in the Lord. You see until then I had not told Him I was willing. Then that afternoon, Jamie sent me a link to her blog where she had quoted something I said. Then one woman responded. She said she was encouraged. Wow!

This is just a glimpse of how the Lord has been so big and yet so intimate in my life in the past seven months. So, it is with much faith and pushed back fear that I am beginning this blog. It doesn't make much sense to me, but I have learned that is when I need to trust Him the most. I know God has His plans for this blog. I can't wait to be a part of what He is going to do. Thank you once again for joining us as we continue to live hard, love hard and run to Jesus on this journey.